Do you ever do something you are sure will please a man, and feel shocked when he reacts to it so negatively?
Do you ever feel that you must have received, a bad set of “instructions” for how to successfully relate to men, because nothing you try seems to work the way it’s supposed to?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re not alone. I’ve worked with thousands of women in my seminars and support groups, and most of them knew that there was something very wrong in the way they related to men but weren’t sure what was wrong or how to change it. Part of improving your relationship with a man, whether it’s your husband, your boss, your boyfriend, your father, or your coworker, is not just understanding his behavior but taking an honest look at your own behavior as well.
How Healthy Are Your Relationships with Men?
Here’s a quiz designed to reveal the strengths and weaknesses in your relationships with the men in your life. For each question, select one of the following responses:
1 Almost always
2 Frequently
3 Occasionally
4 Rarely
5 Almost never
Answer each question as honestly as you can, choosing the response that applies to you most of the time. That means, don’t answer based on how you know you should behave, but on how you usually behave.
1 When I’m around a man I really like or am attracted to, I lose part of myself by censoring my communications, seeking approval, sacrificing my needs, or becoming much more self-conscious.
2 I find myself feeling responsible for the men in my life, and making sure they get done what they need to.
3 I allow men to get away with treating me in ways I’d never tolerate being treated by a woman.
4 I use my sexuality to get my way with men by flirting, teasing, using body language, etc.
5 I allow my fear of how a man might react to prevent me from doing what I want to do or saying what I really feel around him.
6 I feel resentful toward men for things they’ve done to me in the past, or for how they treat me now.
7 I act helpless, overwhelmed, or confused around men to get love or attention or to avoid dealing with their anger toward me.
8 I feel I receive all the respect and appreciation I deserve from the men in my life.
9 I always ask for what I want and need from the men I care about.
10 When I’m around powerful men (boss, Dad, authority figures), I feel relaxed and confident in myself. I don’t alter my behavior so that I appear either unusually pushy and aggressive or unusually timid.
Now, add up your total score. For questions 1 through 7, give yourself the following points:
A: 2 points
B: 4 points
C: 6 points
D: 8 points
E: 10 points
For questions 8 through 10, give yourself the following points:
A: 10 points
B: 8 points
C: 6 points
D: 4 points
E: 2 points
80-100 points: CONGRATULATIONS! Your hard work on yourself and your relationships has paid off, and you’ve learned how to be a powerful yet loving woman with the men in your life. You maintain a strong sense of yourself even when you’re around men who are important to you, and you know that good communication is essential for creating healthy and lasting relationships. To avoid future problems, work on those areas in which you had a lower score.
60-79 points: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN AREN’T BAD, BUT THEY COULD BE A LOT BETTER. Most women fall into this category. There are some warning signs you need to pay attention to, so that in time bigger problems don’t erupt. Work on expressing yourself and your needs more completely, and avoid the six mistakes women make with men, discussed later in this chapter. You deserve much more love than you’ve been asking for.
40-59 points: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. You have some bad emotional habits that are keeping you from receiving the love and appreciation you deserve. You’ll never get the respect you want if you continue to give up your power around men, behave like a doormat and pretend everything is fine. It’s time to make a change. The first step is to be honest with yourself about how dissatisfied you really are. Practice everything you learn from this book, ask your friends for support, and make a commitment to start living as the powerful woman you are meant to be.
39 points or below: EMERGENCY! YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN ARE UNHEALTHY. You’ve been in pain and felt unloved for so long that you’ve probably forgotten what it feels like to be yourself around a man you really care about. You may not even know what a healthy relationship with a man is. It’s time to take immediate action, and you can’t do it alone. Reach out to other women for help; find a loving and experienced therapist; join some support groups; use this book as much as possible, and do whatever you can to begin to love yourself again. Fight off that numbness, negativity, and resentment. Stop playing the victim! Only you can make the change. You deserve much more than this.
I suggest you take this quiz over again from time to time to measure your progress in becoming a more powerful woman. First put the principles in this book into practice, and then come back to the quiz several weeks later. You should notice some real improvement reflected in a higher score, and you’ll be well on your way to creating the loving relationships with men that you deserve.
DO YOU BRING OUT THE WORST IN THE MEN YOU LOVE?
Whether you’re aware of it or not, you may be bringing out the worst in the men you love by how you behave around them.
I am not saying that the problems in relationships are all the women’s fault, or that how we behave is “wrong” or “bad,” or that men don’t need to change and we do. I am saying that how women act around men is 50 percent of the problem.
Many of the behaviors we’ve adopted to try to be “loving women” are the very behaviors that are destructive to our relationships with men
Of course, we don’t make these mistakes on purpose. Most of us were taught these behavior patterns by our mothers, and their mothers before them, but when we act out these old roles and habits, they end up making us feel bad about ourselves as women, and actually encourage men to treat us badly.
THE 6 BIGGEST MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WITH MEN
1 WOMEN ACT LIKE MOTHERS AND TREAT MEN LIKE CHILDREN
2 WOMEN SACRIFICE WHO THEY ARE AND PUT THEMSELVES SECOND IN IMPORTANCE TO THE MAN THEY LOVE
3 WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL
4 WOMEN COVER UP THEIR EXCELLENCE AND COMPETENCE
5 WOMEN GIVE UP THEIR POWER
6 WOMEN ACT LIKE LITTLE GIRLS TO GET WHAT THEY WANT FROM MEN
MISTAKE 1
Women Act like Mothers and Treat Men like Children
Have