depicted as an incompetent idiot who is helpless around the house without his wife. The more you take care of a man, the more he relies on you and the more indispensable you become. As women, we often deal with our fear of loss and abandonment by attempting to make men so dependent on us that they would never consider leaving us. It’s as if our unconscious mind thinks, If he needs me enough, he’ll never leave me.
MEN WILL FEEL LOVED WHEN YOU MOTHER THEM
Men grow up with their mommies taking care of them, and they find it very easy as adults to allow the women in their lives to continue playing that maternal role. This is especially true of your man if he saw his mother treat his own father like a child. He might even associate the idea of “wife” with mother, caretaker, and nurturer, rather than lover, best friend, or partner. And if the man in your life didn’t get all of the love and attention he needed from his own mother when he was a little boy, he’ll gladly allow you to “finish the job.”
HOW MOTHERING THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE CAN DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Acting out a mothering role with men might appear to have its rewards at first, but in reality, it will have some very devastating effects on your relationship.
1. Your man will end up resenting you and rebelling against you. In Chapter 1 we talked about the psychological need every little boy has to assert his independence from Mommy in order to define himself as a male and not a female. When you take on a mothering role with your man, it’s inevitable that your man will begin to resent you, and eventually he will rebel against you. He may not complain about your behavior; he may insist that he doesn’t want you to stop; but he will end up rebelling, because all boys have to break away from Mommy someday.
Karen, 52, came to me after she discovered her husband was having an affair with a 24-year-old secretary from his office. Karen couldn’t understand why her husband, Leonard, had strayed from the marriage. “He always seemed so content,” she explained as she sat in my office. “I know I spoiled him – he used to say that he hadn’t even gotten this kind of treatment from his own mother – but he insisted that he loved being pampered and coddled. Now he tells me he felt stifled, trapped in the relationship, and that he wants his freedom. He never complained for twenty-seven years. I just don’t understand what happened.”
When I talked with Leonard, my suspicions were confirmed – he felt he was trading in a mother for a lover by leaving his wife and choosing a younger woman. Even the words he used to describe his relationship with Karen – “trapped, stifled, longing for his freedom” – sound like those of a teenage boy who can’t wait to leave home and be on his own. Karen thought she was being a good wife by mothering Leonard, but in the end it drove him away.
2. Your man will end up feeling incompetent. When you continually treat a man as if he is incompetent, he begins to feel incompetent. The more incompetent he feels, the lower his self-esteem, and the more he will actually behave incompetently. This creates a vicious circle:
WHEN A MAN DOES NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, HE WILL BECOME LESS LOVING TO YOU
A man’s self-worth comes from his sense of competence. And when a man feels he is not doing a good job in any area of his life, it becomes very difficult for him to be loving toward himself or you. Emphasizing a man’s incompetence by treating him like a child is guaranteed to inhibit his ability to love you.
The other side of this is that the more incompetent your man appears to you, the more turned off to him you will become. Women are turned on by competence. So the more inept he seems, the less attractive he’ll be.
3. You will kill the passion in the relationship.
THE QUICKEST WAY TO KILL THE PASSION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS TO MOTHER THE MAN YOU LOVE
The more you act like a man’s mother, the more he will treat you like his mother. But no man wants to sleep with his mother. The sexual taboo against feeling attracted to a female with mothering energy is so deeply rooted in most men that it will be impossible for your partner to continue to see you in an erotic, romantic way when you are constantly picking lint off of his clothes, reminding him to do his chores, and otherwise treating him like your son.
Of course, treating your man like a child will turn you off as well. How romantic can you feel at the end of the day when you see your man and think to yourself. He couldn’t find his socks, he lost his keys again, I had to call the plumber because he forgot? How excited can you get about someone who you’ve just finished treating like a three-year-old?
I believe that Mistake #1 is one of the primary causes for the lack of a satisfying sex life in many marriages. Being together for twenty years, having financial pressures, bringing up a family – these all contribute to the tension that can inhibit passion. But none of them are as destructive as the transformation of the husband and wife into a mother and her son.
THE SOLUTION: HOW TO STOP MOTHERING MEN
Here are some suggestions for transforming yourself from a mother into a lover with your man.
1. Stop doing things for your man that he should be doing for himself. Treating men like children is like an addiction, and like any addiction the only way to stop is to Stop. This means that when your husband asks you where his keys are, say “I don’t know,” and let him look for them himself. When he is ready to get dressed for a certain occasion, don’t suggest what clothes he should wear. When he leaves a pile of clothes lying on the floor, don’t pick them up for him.
If your man is used to your doing things for him, he is going to have to adjust to your new role. At first, it might be difficult. You may have to put up with his frustration as he learns to do things for himself that he hasn’t in years. And don’t be surprised if your life temporarily becomes a little more chaotic. You may be late for a party because he can’t find his keys. He may leave the house with his tie crooked. But when these things happen often enough, he’ll learn. He’ll remember how frustrated he was looking for his keys and will learn to put them in the same place every night. He’ll recall how many times he’s told his tie is crooked and will learn to check it in the mirror himself. In other words, he’ll grow up and learn to take care of himself.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the next time your husband asks you if you’ve seen his keys you should respond, “Find them yourself I’m not your mother! “And I don’t believe you should stop being loving, nurturing, and supportive to your partner. It simply means being more of a wife or mate, and less of a mommy.
2. Treat your man like a competent, reliable person. Don’t remind him of information he should remember. Don’t be his brain and his calendar for him. Act as if he is a competent adult who can be counted on. Remember, your man might have gotten lazy since you’ve been doing a lot of the scheduling for him; he may unconsciously rely on you to make sure he doesn’t forget important appointments or responsibilities. So when you stop mothering him, he may find himself missing meetings, forgetting to pay bills, or neglecting to take out the rubbish. If this happens, do not scold him or criticize him, just sympathize with his frustration, and go about your own business.
Let’s say your partner has a dentist appointment on a Thursday.