matter—it’s just a question of how many there are and how much conflict they create in the relationship. Love is not enough to make a relationship work: you need compatibility, and as you’re discovering, cultural differences aren’t just about where you were born. They spill over into most areas of your life, from your spiritual beliefs; your social, intellectual, and emotional style; your values; your choices about child-rearing; customs; and on and on. It’s not that you and your partner have to agree on everything and have gone through the same life experiences. But there’s a point beyond which too many differences will create too much tension, and make a harmonious relationship next to impossible.
You’re experiencing what many engaged couples go through—you’re just now confronting some big issues between you that hadn’t fully surfaced before. I’ll bet you both avoided seriously talking about some of the cultural differences while you were dating because, intuitively, you knew they would be “hot buttons.” So here you are engaged and Pandora’s box is opening!! And I can hear that you’re having some serious doubts. That’s what an engagement is supposed to be for—a period of time during which you can really take an honest look at all of your remaining issues, and hopefully, come to agreement on how you will blend both of your cultural backgrounds together.
I know what’s scaring you … it’s possible that as you confront these topics you may discover that your values and beliefs are just too different for you to live compatibly together. As uncomfortable as it will be, find the courage to talk about everything that’s bothering you. After all, if it’s not going to work, isn’t it better to find out now, rather than waiting until after you are married and have children?
20 Is it damaging to a relationship when one partner is still controlled by his parents?
My fiancé is thirty-three, but he might as well be three years old, because his parents still control him, especially his mother. He talks to her on the phone every single day, and she calls here at all hours, with no respect for our schedule. Now that we’re engaged, she is pushing all of her ideas about the wedding on him, and we end up fighting about her constantly. I’ve tried to get him to look at his relationship with both of his parents, but he says they’re just a close family, and that there’s nothing abnormal about it. My childhood was very unhappy, and I have a very distant relationship with my own parents, so I wonder if I’m judging him unfairly. Help!
Do these things sound bad? Well, there’s nothing compared to how toxic in-laws will drive a wedge between you and your partner by creating dissension in your relationship. It sounds like that’s already happening with you and your fiancé. You end up feeling unsupported and misunderstood by him, furious at his parents for manipulating him, and everyone starts thinking you’re a real bitch! And if you think it’s bad now, wait until you have children!!
In spite of what you may believe, your fiancé’s parents aren’t the problem—he is. If he took a stand with his parents and set boundaries in their relationship, it wouldn’t make any difference how much they tried to interfere. He needs to make you number one in his life. You need to be his first priority; your marriage has to come first before his relationship with his mother and father.
The children of toxic in-laws need to communicate the following information to their parents if they want to save their relationships with their partners:
1. I have chosen my spouse to be my lifelong mate, and I expect you to treat her (him) with total respect, courtesy, and warmth. We are a couple, and when you criticize or hurt my partner, it is the same as hurting me.
2. If you cannot bring yourself to behave with respect around my spouse, then I do not wish to see you. You will either see us together and treat us with love, or not see us at all.
3. My home is mine, not yours. When you come over, you will call first, and if we want to see you, we will tell you. When you do come over you will not tell me or my wife how to run our lives, raise our children, arrange our furniture, etc.
4. You need to respect our time and privacy. That means I do not wish you to call my house five times a day. Give us the space to want to call you. Naturally I will be here for you if there is a real emergency.
5. I know this may be difficult for you to understand, but that’s the way it is. I want you in my life, but not if you cannot accept my marriage and respect our relationship.
If you discuss this with your partner, and he repeatedly refuses to confront his parents, you can try suggesting counseling so he can get a third opinion. If he refuses that, you need to ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. It isn’t going to get any better, and you know it’s already tearing you apart. Do not get married unless this is resolved!!
21 Why do I always fall in love with people who need rescuing?
I’m presently dating a woman who’s basically a mess. She has major financial and emotional problems, and I spend a lot of my time playing “Daddy,” trying to help her. I can’t believe I’m in this kind of relationship again—it’s the third time in a row I’ve gotten involved with “victim-type” women. Why am I doing this, and how do I stop?
Remember—in all codependent relationships, the rescuer needs the victim as much as the victim needs the rescuer. If you are an “emotional Robin Hood,” always finding partners in need of your help, you may in fact be completing unfinished business from childhood, acting out your little boy’s unfulfilled need to fix or rescue Mom, Dad, or another family member. Or maybe you’re attempting to rescue yourself as you felt when you were small. The problem is that like all rescuers, you are mistaking sympathy for love.
You already know from experience that this sort of relationship is doomed. You end up acting like a parent, tiptoeing around your partner in order to not upset her, and making excuses for her behavior. Ultimately, your resentment grows and although you want to leave, you feel trapped, too guilty to leave and hurt even more this poor wounded person you wanted to heal. When you do inevitably leave, you feel like you’re abandoning your lover, and beat yourself up for “failing.” Sounds like lots of fun …
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