If A = B, and B = C, then A = C
Let’s use this same principle to illustrate “Going Home”:
If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = CHAOS, then
LOVE = CHAOS
If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = LONELINESS, then
LOVE = LONELINESS
If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = FEAR, then
LOVE = FEAR.
Your mind will equate whatever associations you have about “home” with what love is supposed to feel like. So if home felt like chaos, you might seek unstable partners who will help you create dramatic, chaotic relationships. If home felt like loneliness, you might seek a partner who doesn’t give you enough love, affection, or attention, so that you end up feeling lonely. If home felt like fear, you might attract someone who always criticizes you, or threatens to leave, or makes you jealous, so that you always feel fearful. You unconsciously choose what is familiar— YOU ARE GOING HOME.
Obviously, we all have positive associations with home as well, which we also seek to reproduce in our adult life. I’ve found, however, that it is the more painful associations that can cause the most trouble, because they are usually unconscious. In other words, if you came from a home where your parents showed you a lot of affection, but criticized one another, you might consciously seek a partner who was very loving, but unconsciously attract someone who was critical.
In your case, your previous partners were probably all “home” to you, possibly because when you grew up, you either watched your mom or dad be mistreated and abandoned by the other parent, or you felt unloved by one of your parents. So for you, it feels comfortable to be uncomfortable with a man! And this explains your present dilemma. You have love, and therefore passion and sexual attraction, associated in your brain with a sense of danger and pain. Of course you don’t “feel” attracted to your “nice guy”—he makes you feel too good!!
As I mentioned, I had a very similar pattern for years of my adult life. When I finally met my husband, Jeffrey, I didn’t even realize I was in love for months, because it didn’t “feel right.” I was used to drama, intensity, fear of criticism and loss, insecurity—all signs of an unhealthy relationship. For the first time, I had developed an emotional connection with a man based on friendship, trust, openness, safety, consistency, and true caring, and I hadn’t even recognized it because it felt too peaceful to be love!!
It took a little while for me to discover the healthy passion and excitement with Jeffrey, and to literally reinvent my experience of love, but when I finally did, I felt more attracted to him than I had felt to any other man in my life!! So my advice to you is: Don’t break up with this wonderful man. He’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Instead, do some work to explore and heal your emotional programming: LEAVE BEHIND THE PATTERN, NOT THE PERSON!!
16 Can a relationship work when you’re in love with your partner’s potential?
A few months ago I met a man I really care about. We get along well, but he’s going through a difficult time right now. He’s just recovering from a serious drug addiction and a bad divorce in which his ex-wife got most of his savings. I know he has a lot of anger and mistrust from his past, and he has a hard time showing any affection, but inside, he’s a very sensitive, talented person, and I feel like he needs someone to believe in him. Can this relationship work?
Inside, you know all this, yet you ignore the facts because something about this situation is so appealing to you, almost irresistible, and very hard to walk away from. That’s what we need to talk about. People who fall in love with their partner’s potential tend to have several issues of their own that attract them to this kind of situation:
1) You need to be in control in relationships. When you love someone in order to improve him, you get to feel superior. Perhaps you felt controlled or criticized for never being good enough as a child, and now you unconsciously are attracted to someone whom you can turn the tables on.
2) You get to avoid your own life and dreams by focusing on rehabilitating your partner. When you’re busy looking at how someone else can improve, you don’t have much time left over to face your own sense of inadequacy or your own fears.
3) You made a decision as a child that you couldn’t get what you wanted. If you felt rejected or unloved as a child, you may have decided you can’t get what you want from people you love, and so you unconsciously seek out a man who doesn’t give you what you want. You’re “going home” (see Question 15).
If you care about this man, end the relationship now. Does that sound strange? Well, here’s what will happen if you don’t. Soon you will end up feeling angry at him for letting you down, bitter that you wasted so much time with him, and guilty for rejecting him after you promised undying love and patience. Ending it now will free him to do the healing he needs, and will open you up to attracting someone you can love and respect as he is today.
17 Is there such a thing as being too “picky” when choosing partners?
I’m single, in my thirties, and having a hard time finding the right person to spend my life with. All of my friends accuse me of being too picky, and warn me that I’ll never find anyone if I don’t compromise more. I’m afraid if I’m less careful, I’ll end up settling for someone who isn’t right for me. What’s the answer?