I’ve personally worked with thousands of couples who believed they were on the verge of divorce, who, after giving their relationship the attention it needed, fell back in love again; every week I receive letters from couples I’ve never even met, but who share this same kind of success story with me. So it’s not just possible—it’s happening all the time, and I pray it can happen for you too.
8 How can I get my husband to pay as much attention to me as he does to our children?
I consider myself lucky to have a husband who is my best friend, and two healthy young daughters. So I feel even more guilty to admit that I’m jealous of my girls! The truth is, my husband gives them more attention and affection than he gives me. I always brag about what a great dad he is, but I need more physical and emotional closeness with him. I’ve tried to talk about this, but he ends up feeling criticized and pulls even farther away. Am I expecting too much?
It might help you to understand where your husband is coming from. You see, it’s easy for him to be so emotionally generous with his children. They don’t nag him, criticize what he says or does, or see his faults!! In other words, they still love him unconditionally. That feeling of being loved purely and completely allows him to feel safe enough to open his heart and share the most giving part of himself with them. With you, it’s a different story. You don’t have him on a pedestal, like the girls do; you don’t think everything he says is so smart; you see him as he really is. So it’s much more difficult for your husband to feel as safe and loved with you as he does with his daughters. This is true for all parents—it’s a lot more challenging to be as consistently loving with our mates as we are with our kids, but that’s the whole point of marriage—ideally, to learn how to love another person in spite of their imperfections.
That’s the compassionate part of the answer, but the second part is more practical: Your relationship with your husband must be placed first, before your relationship as parents to the kids. I believe strongly that, as a wife, you need to feel you are Number One to your husband, and not that you get the emotional leftovers, if there are any, after your daughters are loved. If your marriage isn’t healthy, it won’t matter how much your children feel loved … you will end up feeling resentment toward them, and they will not grow up with a positive example of how a woman should be treated. The stronger your relationship with your husband is, the better both of you will be as parents to your kids. Keeping you happy and well loved should be your husband’s first responsibility to the family, because that ensures a stable and lasting home life for your children. And the happier you and he are together, the happier your girls will be. Tell him I said so!!!!
I have the opposite problem than most women have—my boyfriend loves me too much. He wants to be with me every second; he never takes his hands off me; and when we aren’t together, he calls me every few hours. I’ve asked him to back off, to give me some space, but he gets really hurt and rejected, and I end up comforting him. I really care about this man, but I’m starting to turn off, and even feel scared of him. How can I make him see that I need him to love me less?
People like your boyfriend who seem to “love too much” are almost always desperately needy, seeking to distract themselves from their pain with a temporary dose of love, sex, or affection. They can fall in love instantly, and become easily compulsive and obsessed, sucking their partners in by sweeping them off their feet, and, eventually, keeping them around with guilt and pity. Your boyfriend probably has been very hurt in his life, perhaps by a family member, and he has an emotional wound that will not heal until he deals with it at its source. Your relationship and all the others he has had are like Band-Aids, temporary solutions for a deep and chronic problem.
What am I telling you? Probably to end this relationship now, before things get worse, and they inevitably will. The only circumstances under which you should keep seeing him would be if he admitted to the problem and sought help immediately. There’s a chance that, if your boyfriend receives some intensive counseling, you could work things out together. However, I sense that you’ve already had enough. And don’t forget to take a look at why you got sucked in by this kind of person. (Hint: He begs for your love—you withhold it … Are you punishing Mom or Dad? Are you staying in control?)
10 How can a couple learn to trust love when they’ve both been badly hurt in past relationships?
After surviving a very bitter divorce and custody battle for my children, I finally met a wonderful man who is everything my ex-husband wasn’t. He’s kind, open, and willing to talk about everything. Our problem is that his ex-wife left him for his best friend, so he’s afraid to trust love again, and so am I. How can we leave the past behind us and make this new relationship work?