If we would like to be more confident, the first step we must take is to conjure a picture in our minds of the kind of person we would like to be.
How Do We Recognize Confident People?
We will notice that confident people behave as though:
They love themselves – and they don’t mind us knowing that they care for themselves.
They understand themselves – and continue to wonder about themselves as they grow and develop.
They know what they want – and are not afraid to keep setting new goals for themselves.
They think positively – and don’t feel overwhelmed by problems.
They behave skilfully – and know which behaviour is appropriate for each individual situation.
We tend to feel good in the company of confident people because:
We feel secure because we know where we stand with them. They are open and genuine. If they are feeling good, they let us know; if they are feeling cross or anxious, they will also let us know. We do not have to worry about what they might be thinking about us, or about the situation we are in.
They don’t depend on ‘putting down’ other people in order to feel powerful, so we can more easily trust that they will be fair and will not abuse us.
They will encourage confidence in us because they prefer the company of confident people.
They do not set themselves up as being perfect and are always willing to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes.
They are often lively because their energy is precious to them and they use it selectively and with great care.
They can also be peaceful and relaxed because they do not feel they constantly have to prove themselves through their words and actions.
They will give us a sense of optimism, because they will think creatively about problems rather than spending hours moaning about them.
What Is the Price We Pay for Lack of Confidence?
There are very few people who haven’t experienced the pain and disappointment that accompany lack of confidence, but let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the price we can pay. The following list will probably jog some memories for most of us.
We feel:
• isolated and lonely
• acutely embarrassed and awkward
• frightened and powerless
• physically sick and tense
• in awe of confident people
• worthless, useless and insignificant
• guilty and to blame
• pessimistic; that there’s no point in trying
• depressed and apathetic
• misunderstood
• let down because we see life passing us by
• resentful and embittered.
In some people these feelings may be obvious, in others they may be well-concealed under a brash veneer of apparent success and self-confidence. As a therapist I have been in the privileged position of hearing many people reveal these kinds of feelings for the first time to anyone. Many people do not admit them to themselves until they face a crisis which confronts them with the reality of their life; often this crisis is their impending death, when life is literally about to pass them by. Perhaps some people are satisfied with the hope that their life on earth may reap them rewards in the Kingdom of Heaven, but the majority of us want more out of this life.
Can You Be Too Confident?
Many people openly acknowledge to me that they are frightened of embarking on a confidence-building programme because they are afraid of becoming ‘over-confident’. They have, perhaps, been carrying around an image in their heads of certain people they have known and not liked, even though they may secretly have admired and envied their success. They give me examples of the popular ones at school, bosses at work, politicians and film stars. To prove their point, they often delight in telling me stories of how these people ended up being alone and unhappy. The moral of these tales is that, if you ‘get too big for your boots’, you will lose out in the end.
| It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it. Kim Hubbard, Abe Martin’s Sayings, (1915) |
I have found that a common reason for this misunderstanding is that people are often not very clear about the differences between assertive and aggressive behaviour. We shall clarify these differences in a later chapter, but for the moment let’s remind ourselves of some real facts about confident people.
Confident people are not:
| Being confident isn’t about being ‘too big for your boots’ – it is about learning to get the boots that fit and to keep changing the boots as you get bigger! |
– even though they are the kind of people who are prepared to lead authoritatively when they know they need to do so. They are also more than willing to delegate responsibility. This is because their inner self-esteem is so firm that it is not threatened by being led by other people.
– even though they are not afraid to be seen to be looking after ‘Number One’. They are very willing and able to look after others in need whenever they can. This is because their self-care is so good that they have energy to spare and they know they can comfortably say ‘no’ or ‘no more’ when they need do so.
– even though they are sure that they have adequate knowledge and skills for the tasks they undertake. They freely admit their limitations. This is because they do not wish to ‘set themselves up’ for failure and are not threatened by others having superior skills in certain areas.
– even though they are comfortable spending time alone and do not need the company of others to make them happy or motivated. They have good relationships. This is because they have the skills to initiate the relationships they want and, if things go wrong, they can be openly confrontative and will willingly negotiate or walk away should they need to do so.
– even though they may seem satisfied with their financial and material ‘lot’. They may live quite modestly. This is because they are not prepared to sacrifice their health and happiness to earn more than they need and they don’t