Super Confidence: Simple Steps to Build Your Confidence. Gael Lindenfield

all super-achievers

      – even though they perform with excellence at whatever they do and have the potential to achieve more. They may choose to stay at the lower end of society’s ladders. They may even decide to ‘downshift’ and back-pedal in their careers. This is because they may not want to take, or continue along, the road to high achievement. They do not need to ‘prove themselves’ through work or positions of power and fame.

       Are We Born Confident?

      Well, until someone shows me a baby who is not confident, I will remain convinced that we are! Babies show no signs of doubting their rights to get what they want and they will stretch to their limits to get what they want and need. Freud, the great father of psychology, used the phrase ‘His majesty, the baby’. Any of us who has experienced looking after babies knows just what he means!

      But, of course, our genes do play some part in how our confidence subsequently develops. Because they affect the ‘architecture’ and biochemical make-up of our brains and bodies, they do play a role in determining our

      • dominant personality style whether we are basically an extrovert or introvert for example

      • temperament as in whether we are inclined towards being ‘fiery’ or ‘placid’

      • predisposition for certain mental health problems whether we are likely to respond to stress with depressive or hypo-manic style illnesses or develop some addictive or compulsive behaviour.

      The important point to remember is that none of these pre-determining factors is intrinsically bad for our confidence. It is just the way that they are handled, especially in our early formative years, that can (and very commonly does) cause a problem. I have met many introverted people, as I am sure you must have, who have a happy and successful life being ‘quietly confident’. They have learned to manage their shyness, perhaps by having a career which gives them plenty of opportunity to work successfully on their own and having a satisfying social life with just a few close friends.

It is how our genetic inheritance is nurtured and managed that will determine our level of confidence.

      Equally, in my years working in psychiatric hospitals I have met many people with psychiatric illnesses, but not a hint of a problem with their confidence.

      Even if such people are exceptions rather than the rule, it is important to remember their example.

      In contrast, holding on to the belief that lack of confidence is caused by our inheritance is depowering, and also lets all those responsible for knocking our confidence get away with impunity.

      People who use lack of confidence as an excuse may say:

I can’t help it – it’s just the way I am.

      Irresponsible or ‘ignorant’ parents can look at their children with a kind of detached interest and say, for example:

She must have inherited a stray gene from somewhere because she is so unlike me. She’s always been quiet. I can see she’s got more of her father’s blood than her sister has. He’s a born worrier, so I know exactly how she’s going to turn out. She’s a carbon copy of her mother – her mother always hated making a fuss.

      And at work, bullying bosses can look at their quaking staff and say:

There’s no point in sending you off for Assertiveness Training. Once a doormat, always a doormat. Get yourselves new jobs.

       YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY

       Use this questionnaire to help you identify some of the factors that may have influenced your self-confidence.

      Your Mother and Father

      

Did they love you just as you were or did they want you to be something you were not?

      

Did they praise you enough when you did well, or tend merely to criticise you when you didn’t?

      

Did they often compare you with others or did they help you assess your achievements in the light of your own potential?

      

Were they good models of confidence themselves?

      

Did they practise what they preached?

      

What was their relationship like?

      

Was it fairly balanced, with two adults confidently asserting their needs and feelings to each other?

      

How did they relate to the rest of the world?

      

Did they perhaps ‘hide their lights under bushels’, ‘put on an act’ or were they just themselves?

      Your Position in the Family

      

Were you an only child, the eldest or the youngest?

      

Were you, for example, given responsibility for looking after younger children?

      

Were you ‘babied’ or were you treated as ‘piggy-in-the-middle’ with no special role?

      Brothers and Sisters

      

What was their attitude towards you?

      

Were you someone to look up to or were you a threat or someone to be bullied?

      

How successful were they?

      

Were you encouraged to feel competitive with them?

      Your Teachers at School

      

Did you feel more confident with some than with others?