or their lives.
FINDING THE MOTIVATION
Many people think that we have to get to ‘rock bottom’ before we can really find the motivation to change. That misunderstanding has arisen from observation of ‘real life’ because that is so often what does happen. Because change feels uncomfortable, we tend to wait until a crisis occurs before we face the need for it. There are several reasons why it doesn’t make sense to wait for the crisis, for example:
The crisis might be overwhelming, leaving you few resources and no energy.
You may never reach crisis point. Many people don’t; they jog along in second gear for the whole of their lives leaving a trail of ‘if onlys’ behind them.
Any behaviour change is effected more swiftly if small steps are taken, when anxiety levels are manageable. The mood of desperation which most crises generate is not conductive to confidence-building.
So, by all means fantasize about the potentially disastrous effect your lack of confidence might have on the pattern of your life … but act now!
ACQUIRING INSIGHT
In an earlier chapter, I have already argued the importance of understanding how our particular personality developed, but it is also important that we become acutely aware of our current feelings and our behaviour. This will require:
• A detailed analysis of how you see yourself
• Feedback from people to gain an awareness of how others see you.
I will discuss this further later and there are several practical exercises which will help you acquire more insight.
SETTING REALISTIC GOALS
People lacking in confidence are experts at setting themselves up for failure. I have already shared my own former skills in this area! Perhaps some of these quotes will ring a few bells!
| Only someone as daft as me would have got involved with someone like him. I knew from the start that this job wasn’t for me, but I thought as he suggested it, I’d better give it a try. Well, I suppose I knew I had it coming to me. |
The secret is to aim at getting a balance between ‘playing it safe’ and aiming too high and this is often best achieved by taking small steps first. In this way we have a chance of some success and will get encouragement from the good feeling and rewards which that will bring.
GETTING PRACTICE
Becoming confident will require you to learn new skills and these, unfortunately, do not come neatly packaged and ready for use. At first our new behaviour will seem strange and unfamiliar to us. For example, becoming confident often requires you to learn a new ‘language’, a new way of expressing yourself. At the moment I am trying to learn Spanish. Speaking this language seems very odd and uncomfortable to me but hopefully soon I will be able to switch to ‘automatic pilot’, just as I have done with French. Until I feel a little more at ease with the language, I am choosing to speak to my tape recorder, in the privacy of my own home.
There is nothing shameful or ‘silly’ about practising your new confident behaviour in the bath, or in front of a mirror. If you have access to audio-visual equipment you may find rehearsing in front of the camera good practice. Alternatively, you could try role-playing with the help for a sympathetic friend, self-help group or counsellor.
FINDING SUPPORT
There is nothing like working through a confidence-building programme to find out who your true friends are! You have to find friends who want you to change and will encourage and support you.
Remember that if people ‘like you the way you are’ they must be getting some reward for themselves through your lack of confidence. Maybe you make them feel more powerful, maybe they stand a better chance of promotion, maybe they do not have to bother to change their behaviour if you are not complaining – or maybe they just get a ‘kick’ out of abusing you! You could have been told that your new behaviour is bossy, selfish, or unfeminine or unmanly. If you judge that it is not, and want to continue, you may have to choose new friends.
REAPING THE REWARDS
Learning theory has taught us that we acquire new skills faster and more efficiently if we are rewarded when we achieve, rather than punished when we do not. Most unconfident people will have experienced their fair share of punishment, both from others and from themselves. Getting rewards will be a relatively new experience.
In the early stages of learning a new skill, we may not get sufficient rewards from the ‘outside world’ to allay our anxieties. So, we must learn to reward ourselves. This may mean treating yourself to a special night out or a present if you have tried to do something which you know was very risky for you, even though to others the action may have seemed very ordinary. For example, you may have set yourself the task of striking up three conversations at a party. The people who are with you may not appreciate your achievement, and so will not think to say ‘Well done’.
Equally we may not get immediate rewards because the task which we have chosen to use our new-found skills on may be very complex and long-term. You may be very tempted to give up when you hear people say: ‘Don’t bother; it’s not worth it. Life’s too short. It’s best to keep the peace.’
As you become more confident, your life will begin to change and become more exciting and satisfying. Then there will be no shortage of rewards!
| WHAT CAN HELP YOU • belief • self-help • practice • support • rewards WHAT CAN HINDER YOU • martyrdom • cynicism • mystique • fantasy • fear |
Many famous people from various walks of life who appear to possess an enviable amount of confidence have disclosed that they had an inner struggle to achieve their outstanding success. Keira Knightley, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, Eddie Murphy, Nicole Kidman, Kate Moss, JK Rowling, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Richard Branson are just a few examples of such celebrities who have battled with issues of low self-belief and extreme anxiety. Others have found the strain of living up to their super-confident image just too great. Through the media, we all know of examples of many highly talented and hard-working successful people who have resorted to drugs and alcohol to help get them through and whose lives subsequently have ended in tragedy.
And this is of course true and just as tragic for many other people who are not in the public eye. This is why inner confidence is just as important as outer confidence.
The two main keys to feeling good inwardly are:
1. SELF-KNOWLEDGE
2. SELF-LOVE
We shall look at how we can improve the first in this chapter, and then deal with the second in the following