were also many other times when this part of me did not play such a positive role. This was when my own unmet needs from childhood were in the ‘driving seat’ of my unconscious. For example, because I grew up in a very insecure atmosphere, my inner child’s need for ‘peace at any price’ overshadowed my daughter’s need to learn to negotiate and argue. Also, because I had been the subject of so much bullying, I had a ‘childish’ urge to get revenge. So when I did let go of my pent-up anger, I could be unjustifiably petty and spiteful.
John Bradshaw, one of the leading experts in this field, explains in his book, Homecoming:
‘… when a child’s development is arrested, when feelings are repressed, especially the feelings of hurt, a person grows up to be an adult with an angry, hurt child inside of him. This child will spontaneously contaminate the person’s adult behaviours.’
So, those of us who have an over-abundance of unmet needs or unresolved feelings from childhood are likely to find that from time to time our auto-parent is unconsciously being ‘driven’ by our wounded inner child which has been programmed with many self-destructive and hurtful habits and responses. As a result, we may find ourselves unconsciously driven to satisfy needs that are, in fact, incompatible, inconsistent, insatiable and in direct conflict with the development of our children’s confidence.
There will, of course, be times when we are only too aware that we have behaved in a damaging, ‘childish’ manner and then, hopefully, most of us will quickly apologize to our children and tell them how we would have preferred to respond. Unfortunately, it is also highly likely that there will be times when we will be totally unaware that our wounded inner child is in the driving seat. In fact, we may be defensively convinced that we are acting in the best interests of our child! For example:
A parent with a jealous inner child, enforcing some ridiculously oppressive curfew rule on a teenager might say –
‘Your generation has no idea what the word “strict” even means. It may be hard for you to understand why I insist on this time, but I know that when you are older, you’ll appreciate that it was good for you and we had your interests at heart.’
or,
A parent with an over-anxious inner child squashing a minor quarrel between two children might say –
‘I’m putting you both to bed right now to save you pulling each other’s eyes out.’
Such rationalizations just pour more oil on the troubled waters, because the confusion which such ‘double messages’ cause in the minds of our children will inhibit most of them from answering or fighting back. Instead, their self-esteem gets yet another dent as they conclude that the problem (whatever it seems to be) must be their fault. (After all, children will always strive to think the very best of their parents, even against overwhelming evidence to the contrary.)
‘I had another terrible screaming match this morning with Kate. She wanted to make her own way to school. She says she feels stupid being taken in the car such a short distance and that all her friends get the bus. She says I never trust her.
‘I went part-time just so I could take the kids to school. I know what happens on those buses – I’ve heard about the drug pushers. Kate’s so easily led. There’s no way that I am going to let any of my kids go through what I went through – you know what it did to me. Do you think I am being overprotective?’
Unless your childhood was blissfully free of hurts, disappointment and loss, the chances are that you too have a wounded inner child which could spoil your adult efforts to build your child’s confidence. I’ve listed below some of the most common ‘sabotage patterns’, together with the kind of things we might be saying, or thinking, at the time. I have then noted an example of an inner child wound which is commonly a root cause of the damaging behaviour.
If, after reading this list your warning bells have begun to sound, don’t despair, you can do something to change these unhelpful patterns. (Please see the exercise on pages 34–35.)
| SABOTAGE | WORDS OR THOUGHTS | INNER CHILD WOUND |
| Over-compensation | ‘I’m going to make sure my children don’t have to go through what I went through.’ | Often the result of hurt or disappointment. |
| Over-dependency | ‘I’m sure I’m doing it wrong, I’ll have to ask Jill or get a new book on the subject.’ | Often a result of not having enough approval. |
| Inappropriate imitation | ‘We always did it this way when I was a child.’ | Often the result of love being given too conditionally. |
| Over-protectiveness | ‘A person can’t be too careful.’ | Often the result of insecurity or frightening experiences or being ‘smothered’ with protection. |
| Over-ambitiousness | ‘Only “A” grades are good enough.’ | Often a result of having under-achieved as a child. |
| Perfectionism | ‘There’s no point in trying if I can’t do it properly.’ | Often a result of not being allowed to make mistakes or take risks. |
| Over-seriousness | ‘Life is hard – the sooner my children learn that lesson the better.’ | Often the result of having had to grow up too quickly. |
| Irresponsibility | ‘Let’s have another drink and let fate take care of tomorrow.’ | Often the result of being either over– or under-controlled as a child. |
| Revenge | ‘It won’t do them any harm to suffer a bit – we had it a lot tougher than them.’ | Often the result of emotional or physical abuse. |
| Bullying | ‘You’ll do as I say or else.’ | Often a result of having been hurt and deprived of reasonable rights as a child. |
| Inflexibility | ‘You’ve made your bed, now you have to lie in it.’ | Often a result of having to come to terms with apparently unchangeable negative situations. |
| Uncontrolled emotions | ‘I couldn’t stop myself – you made me so angry.’ |
Often a result of having emotions repressed and not being given advice on how to handle them.
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