No other profession would unleash an employee on a job without basic training and on-going monitoring, but when we become parents, the baby is put into our arms and, apart from a few words of encouragement from a kindly midwife and weekly trips to the clinic to weigh the baby, we’re left to get on with it. We’re supposed to know what to do, having somehow absorbed along the way the contents of volumes of baby and child-rearing manuals, and the accumulated knowledge of a century of child psychologists. The most important job in the world is left to ‘instinct’, without a single course on the techniques of child rearing. Little wonder we quickly feel inadequate when baby doesn’t do as expected. And why should he? He relies solely on us, and yet we don’t always know what to do.
Unlike parents, as a foster carer I receive regular training in all aspects of child development, including teaching children how to behave correctly. I also have a degree in Education and Psychology. My 3Rs technique is a result of my training, studies and research, and years and years of experience – I’ve had plenty of children to practise on during my fostering career! The 3Rs are Request, Repeat and Reassure. The technique is incredibly easy and successful, and can be applied to all ages.
And of course, so much is now known about the importance of good nutrition in raising healthy and contented children that I have included a part on healthy eating, with simple and easy to follow recipe ideas that the whole family will enjoy.
If you have older children, I suggest you still start at the beginning of this book. Read about the 3Rs in relation to the early years, where I explain the basis of the technique, so that you can see where its roots lie and learn the principles. Once you know these, you can use the 3Rs with children of any age to bring them up to be contented and well behaved.
The 3Rs = success.
Note: the term ‘parent’ as used in this book includes the person who performs that role and is the child’s main care-giver.
Contents
ONE: First Years
TWO: Preschool
THREE: More Techniques
FOUR: School
FIVE: Factors Affecting Behaviour
SIX: Difficult Children
SEVEN: Not Your Own
EIGHT: Metamorphosis
NINE: Grown Up
Remember
Baby and the 3Rs: 0–1
In the last fifty years advice on looking after baby has altered dramatically, and has almost gone full circle – from the 1950s strict routines of four-hourly feeds and plenty of fresh air, through Dr Spock’s liberation of the 1960s where mum and baby knew best, to the 1970s embrace with the ‘tribal’ approach, where baby spent all day in a sling strapped to one of its parents and all night in their bed. Recently there has been a move back to the stricter routine, as many mothers return to work and exhausted parents grapple with feeding on demand and the following day’s hectic work schedule.
This book is concerned with children’s behaviour, so I shall not be discussing the pros and cons of different baby-rearing regimes, nor the basics of looking after baby, for example feeding and bathing. There are already thousands of books on the market that do this, and most parents will find they adapt an approach which best suits their lifestyle. However, a working routine is an intrinsic and important part of the 3Rs and successfully raising a contented baby comes down to how you deal with two things: sleep and crying.
Sleep
Sleep takes on a whole new meaning with the arrival of a baby, simply because babies don’t. Well, they do, but not necessarily when the parents need to sleep, which is at night, and preferably for seven unbroken hours. A newborn baby can’t sleep through the night, as it can’t hold enough food in its tiny stomach. So nature has built in a fail-safe way of making sure baby is fed: mouth wide open, it screams the house down. This hunger cry is not the cry of a child who has hurt itself and needs comforting but nature’s inbuilt response to hunger, which guarantees that baby can’t be ignored, is fed and therefore survives and thrives. We have to accept that babies cry when they need feeding.
But why is baby still crying when it has been fed and changed? Good question. While baby manuals and child psychologists offer a wealth of possibilities for a baby not settling – from the trauma of birth to sheer bloody-mindedness – no one knows for sure. Other reasons may include being too warm, or cold, needing to be held, boredom, tiredness, thirst, colic and illness, but the end result is the same: crying.
Baby has just spent nine months tucked up snugly in a warm, wet womb, and no matter how pretty the nursery, it’s hardly a good substitute for this previous all-enveloping embrace – well, not to begin with at least. If baby is to settle when you put him to sleep or go back to sleep if he’s woken he will require a lot of reassuring. You will need to reassure baby that his needs will be met, as well as teaching him what you want in respect of routine, sleeping, etc. This can be achieved by using the 3Rs.
Request, Repeat and Reassure
Assuming baby is not ill (in which case seek medical advice), that the room is the right temperature and that baby is fed and clean, resettle the crying baby using the 3Rs: Request, Repeat and Reassure. First, Request baby to go back to sleep by tucking him in and settling, preferably without picking him up. Come out of the room, if baby has his own room, or move away from the cot if baby is in the parents’ room. Keep the lighting to a minimum – just enough for you to see what you are doing – and don’t make a lot of noise. It was dark in the womb and relatively quiet, and a sudden noise or bright light will startle baby.
If baby now settles and goes back to sleep, then you don’t need the second two stages in the 3Rs – well, not this time at least. But if baby is still screaming, then go to stages two and three. Repeat the procedure by going quietly into baby’s room or to the cot, and Reassure by tucking him in and resettling him. Then come out or move away. If baby is colicky, then change his position and wind him to release the trapped air, preferably not by taking him out of the cot but by leaning over to do this. Then come out or move away.
Still screaming? Do it again. Repeat and Reassure. This time with some verbal reassurance – ‘Sshhh, sshh, there, there … sleep time’ – in a low, calming voice. Just a few words so that baby doesn’t feel alone and is reassured by the sound of your voice, which he will already be used to, having heard it in the womb and since birth.
Still hasn’t settled? Repeat the procedure by going quietly into baby’s room or to the cot, and Reassure by tucking him in and resettling him. Repeat the procedure for as long as is necessary each and every time baby cries for an extended period. The time needed to resettle will quickly become less and less, until after a few nights (no more than five), the baby will settle within moments of being put to bed and go back to sleep after being fed.
What not to do at night
The above assumes that baby isn’t sleeping in the same bed as its parents, which is true of the majority of Western homes. I have never practised or encouraged baby sleeping in the same bed. It can be a difficult habit to break, and parents need some privacy, given that the rest of their lives have been taken over by the new arrival. It is also unnecessary to have baby in the same bed if baby is resettled and reassured by using the 3Rs.
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