Happy Kids & Happy Mealtimes: The complete guide to raising contented children. Cathy Glass

from the way another family does something and your rules could be changed for the better.

      Getting the balance right

      One of the biggest challenges for parents of a child of this age is getting the balance right. Of course we want to give our children the space and freedom to develop as confident individuals, but we also need to keep them safe and guide them to acceptable behaviour, not only for their own benefit but for the benefit of society at large. I am talking now about the average child, from a well-functioning, loving family and developing normally, with socially acceptable behaviour, and not the very challenging child who hasn’t had support and guidance and is out of control.

      All households do things a little differently and there is nothing to say that the way one family approaches child-rearing gives a better balance than another. It is a sign of your child’s growing maturity and reasoning mind that he or she has noted the differences and has presented them to you; however, it can be very undermining to parents’ confidence to be continually hearing that they haven’t got the balance right and other parents have in respect of what children should be allowed to do.

      It is important you listen to what your child tells you – what Simon, Rajitha, Melissa or Aisha are allowed to do that is different or forbidden in your house. Your child has the intelligence and understanding to have considered the differences and feels sufficiently confident to approach you, but he or she will be sounding you out – watching for your reaction, and wanting to hear your opinion as to why your way is right. Although it might seem that your child is simply trying to agitate you and possibly being confrontational, to begin with assume that he or she is not.

      When Tom says, ‘Pete’s mum lets him take the dog for a walk in the evening all by himself,’ don’t hear, ‘Pete’s mum is better/nicer than you, and Pete likes his mum more because she is more liberal and lets Pete do what he wants.’ That is not what Tom is saying. Tom is presenting this difference to you so that he can hear why he can’t take the dog for a walk by himself after dark, and part of him will already know the reason. He is not saying you are wrong: he wants to hear why you are right.

      Don’t immediately lose the plot and snap, ‘Well, you’re not taking our dog out. And that’s that!’ This will just put Tom on the defensive and make him feel you are less approachable in the future. Say something like, ‘I see. I think Peter is a bit young to be taking the dog out by himself after dark. I really don’t think it is safe.’ The forbidden can seem very attractive to a child of this age (and older), particularly when Tom hears Pete boasting about his nocturnal adventures at school the following day. But the chances are that Tom doesn’t think it’s safe either, and despite the idea of dog walking alone after dark seeming initially enticing, he would be horrified if you sent him out the door with the dog in the dark. It’s quite possible that Pete isn’t that keen on taking the dog out for its evening walk in all weathers either, but it is one of his chores, before his dad gets home from work and while his mother is busy bathing his younger sibling.

      What Tom wants to hear from you is the reason for your decision, whether it is in respect of dog walking, meals in front of the television, bedtime or anything else. Tom may even repeat your reason to Pete (giving it his stamp of approval) the next time Pete boasts about his dog walking, although Tom won’t admit he has done so to you. Children question their parents, but it is surprising just how loyal they are when interacting with their peer group.

      If Tom questions you about your decision – and it’s incumbent upon him at this age to do so – it is probably because he wants to hear why you have made the decision you have, nothing more. ‘So what age can I take the dog out alone?’ he may ask, which you and your partner should consider and make a decision on. If Tom really does want to take your dog out alone (or whatever the issue is), and is not purely seeking reassurance for your decision, then consider a compromise. In the case of dog walking this would be one that maintains the balance between safety and independence; for example, Tom could take the dog round the block after school and before it is dark, as long as this is acceptable to you and in line with your decision on what is safe.

      If Tom is really challenging you and persists with ‘Why not? Pete does,’ etc., and you have explained your position and explored the alternatives (i.e. dog walking earlier in the evening), then restate your position and call an end to the matter, using the 3Rs. Don’t get into further debate: you are the parent and you have made your reasonable decision through your Request. Now Repeat – ‘Tom, I have explained why and that is an end to the matter.’ If Tom persists, like a worn-out record, then walk away and busy yourself with something else. If he follows you and continues, Repeat and Reaffirm, warning him of the sanction if he goes on. ‘Tom, that is enough now. If you mention it again you won’t be going to football club.’ When a child persistently challenges you on the same point it is not only very wearying for you but designed to wear you down so that you give in and change your mind, so doing what Tom wants. This is disrespectful on Tom’s part, and if he is allowed to get away with it, it will have a knock-on effect on your authority and discipline in the future.