going over the top) that your child knows you are aware of his or her positive behaviour and that you are very pleased.
However, while children are happy to acknowledge and accept the effect of their positive actions, many are less happy to accept responsibility for their negative actions, even dissociating themselves from them to the point of lying. So that when you present Tom or Claire with their negative behaviour they might say, ‘It wasn’t me,’ or ‘It just happened,’ or ‘I don’t know who did it,’ when they were clearly responsible. I call it the Mr Nobody syndrome, and in my house, Mr Nobody could be held responsible for rather a lot if I let him. It is not helpful for a child of any age to believe that he or she can escape the consequences of his or her negative behaviour by either denying he or she did it or side-stepping the issue with ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I can’t remember’ or ‘It just happened.’ This is clearly a cop-out and needs to be addressed.
Taking responsibility for bad behaviour
By the time we are adults we should have learned to recognise and take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and be able to learn from our mistakes. If we haven’t, we become self-deceiving and selfish entities, ultimately functioning outside the moral laws of society and, in extreme cases, sent to prison, with a judge allotting the responsibility that we failed to take. Denial can easily become a habit and so much a part of our lives that we lose sight of what is real, replacing it with our own self-deluding perspective. Children in the five-to-eight age group will ‘try it on’ and can be quite clever at avoiding the consequences of their negative actions. But this is the time such behaviour needs dealing with, before denial becomes ingrained and a habit, when it will be more difficult to reverse.
Obviously you must be certain your child is responsible for the negative act; if not, give him or her the benefit of the doubt – ‘Tom, I hope it wasn’t you who pulled Sandra’s hair. It would have been a very cruel thing to do,’ which lets Tom know that you are aware of what has happened and that you have your suspicions. If Tom is guilty, then he will hear your warning and take note, and if he wasn’t then his conscience is clear and no harm has been done.
If you are certain your child is responsible for some negative behaviour but he is vehemently denying it, then tell him he is responsible and how you know, with the consequence of how he will help put it right – ‘Tom, it was you who put the roll of toilet paper down the toilet. There is no one else in the house. Now you will come and help me get it out.’ The lesson will be more readily learned and last longer if Tom corrects the wrong he has done.
If your child is not denying the action but dissociating himself from it by saying, ‘It just happened,’ and assigning his actions to a highly improbable act of God, then say, ‘Things don’t just happen, Tom. That black marker pen didn’t fly off the table and scribble itself on the wall.’ It is OK to inject some humour in the way you phrase it: Tom will still get the message, particularly when he spends valuable playing time cleaning off the mess. He will also take note that you are not as easily fooled as he might have thought, and that disassociating himself from an action doesn’t work. If when you ask who did something, your child says ‘I don’t know,’ then you can pointedly say, ‘I do, and I don’t want it happening again,’ reminding him of the sanction if it does happen again. He will get the message, and also make note of, and respect, your insight.
If your child insists that it wasn’t him (or her), and it ‘just happened’, or he ‘doesn’t know’ anything about the incident, and you are certain that he is responsible and is therefore lying, don’t enter into a debate of ‘It was you,’ ‘No, it wasn’t,’ which children of this age are very good at. Just say firmly, ‘Tom, there is black marker pen on the wall and I don’t want it happening again, or I’ll put the pen away for good. That is the end of the matter. Do I make myself clear?’ And make sure it is the end of the matter by walking away or busying yourself with some task if Tom is about to argue the point.
Dealing with denial can be very frustrating, but don’t shout and fly into a rage, as this will make your child close up and become more resistant to owning up to a negative action in the future. If you are dealing with a very serious issue that you need to get to the bottom of – for example, bullying or money going missing from your purse – and Tom (or Claire) has completely closed up, aware it is a bad act and he is guilty, you can say, ‘Tom, I am not going to be angry, but I need to know. Did you take money from my purse for those sweets you are eating?’ As Tom has been reassured that you won’t be angry he is more likely to own up, although his admission of guilt is likely to be a slight nod of the head rather than a loud yes. Accept this and don’t push for any further admission by demanding, ‘Pardon? I can’t hear you. What did you say?’ Calmly explain why the act was wrong and why it mustn’t happen again, and impose an appropriate sanction.
In the case of money being taken from your purse, you can say, ‘Tom, thank you for telling me; that was the adult thing to do. It is wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you. You should have asked for money or waited until pocket-money day. I think it is only fair you pay the money back.’ Then stop the amount Tom has taken from his pocket money. It’s not harsh: if Tom is to learn, he needs to feel the effect of his negative actions, and appreciate that stealing is morally wrong.
Remember, the more rationally and consistently you deal with your child’s errant behaviour, the more readily the child will own up, accept responsibility and learn from his or her mistakes. This encourages not only honesty but a healthy, mature personality, which will see him through life. Obviously if a child persists in some serious negative behaviour – for example, stealing or bullying – then further sanctions need to be applied until the behaviour is eradicated. I’ll say more of this later in Chapter 6.
Big fish in a little pond: 9–11
In the nine-to-eleven age group your child will be one of the older children at primary school, aware of, associating with and influencing many of the younger children. When your child first started school, he or she was one of the little ones – a small fish in a big pond. Now he has grown to become a big fish in a relatively small pond, with the rank, kudos and admiration of those younger. Your child will be aware of and enjoying his status and this will be reflected in his behaviour – both positively (with him setting an example) and negatively (with him challenging your rules).
When your child compares you
Your child’s growing independence and self-reliance will become more obvious now, together with the development of his or her individuality. At this age your child’s peer-group friendships will be very important, and with these comes a growing pressure to conform to the peer-group norm. At the same time, this age group begins to see their parents as fallible human beings rather than awarding them near god-like status as younger children do.
Your child will be spending more time playing independently and away from you – in friends’ houses, sleeping over, possibly playing in parks, as well as at school, clubs and out-of-school activities. This widening experience and growing sense of self-reliance will encourage your child to make comparisons between what happens at home regarding your rules and expected standards of behaviour and what happens in the homes of friends. Some of what your child sees, and the comparisons he or she makes, will be advantageous to you, supporting and reinforcing your rules for good behaviour, while other observations and comparisons may not. These comparisons, together with your child’s growing realisation that you are fallible, will lead your child to question and challenge you, your ideals and how you run your household. And what is discouraged or forbidden in your house will seem very enticing and ‘better’ when your child sees it being allowed in the family of one of his friends.
This lure of the forbidden will continue, in one form or another, into the teenage years, as your child’s world widens further and he or she compares the differences in expectations he or she sees. It is healthy for your child to be noticing these differences, but clearly it doesn’t mean you have to change or adapt your way of doing something, despite your child’s forceful argument that you should. The fact that André is allowed a small glass of diluted wine with his meal, or that Melissa doesn’t go to bed until 10.00 p.m., or that Robert has