from older and more streetwise children.
Don’t over-react
I have found with all my children, natural and fostered, that when they start school their vocabulary increases dramatically in the first few weeks, though not in a way I appreciate. To hear the words ‘fuck,’ ‘prick’ and, worst of all, ‘cunt’ on the lips of your little treasure is a shock to the most robust and liberal of constitutions. Or to have dear little Tom or Claire tell you over dinner that babies ‘pop out of fannies’ and they got there by ‘the man putting his dick in the woman’s bottom’ is a guaranteed show-stopper and good aide to indigestion.
Your child is only repeating what he or she has heard in the playground and probably won’t have the least idea what they are talking about. Sadly, the child who has told your child this could well be the child I am fostering and whose behaviour I am still in the process of modifying. Before the child came into care he or she will have spent many years living in chaos and neglect, often watching adult television or adult (pornographic) videos late into the night because no one had bothered to put them to bed. They might also have been sexually abused. What these children have seen, heard or experienced doesn’t disappear overnight; indeed it takes months, sometimes years, to undo some of the harm. Sometimes when I walk into the school playground I am met with hostile looks and whispers from other mothers as the ‘owner’ of the child who has sullied their child’s innocence. If such behaviour is brought to my attention I apologise to the parents and then talk to the child I am fostering about what is acceptable and what is not.
Don’t over-react when your child comes out with a gem you would rather not have heard (which I can guarantee every child will do, at some point after starting school). Speak to them calmly and firmly, explaining why it isn’t a nice word to use, and that you don’t want them to use it again either at home or school. Use age-appropriate language to talk to your child about a man ‘putting his dick in a woman’s bottom’ and set the record straight, although not necessarily at the dinner table. A five-year-old doesn’t need to know the exact details of sexual intercourse (and indeed it could appear quite frightening to a young mind), but you can give some explanation which you feel comfortable with, building on what you have already told your child about the facts of life.
If your child persists in swearing, or making inappropriate comments, then, as with all unacceptable behaviour, at any age, use the 3Rs to correct him – ‘Tom, I have told you we don’t use that word. If I hear it again I will stop your television time,’ carrying out the sanction if necessary. Don’t be tempted to laugh it off, for the next time your child swears or makes an inappropriate comment it might be when Granny or the vicar has come to tea, and it won’t seem quite so funny then.
And obviously don’t swear yourself in front of your child. Take time out to cool down, or confine any necessary expletive to something more acceptable like ‘damn’ or ‘blast’ that won’t seem so bad if your child repeats it. As in all things, children learn by imitation and if your child comes out with ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ having heard if from you or your partner, then you have only yourselves to blame. Telling the child that it’s OK for an adult to swear but not a child won’t wash; children can spot a double standard or inconsistency a mile away, and it will do nothing for your credibility.
Bullying
As your child is now away from you, at school, for the greater part of each day, make sure you have time to talk and listen to him or her, particularly when he or she comes home at the end of school, bubbling with news of the day. Be on the lookout for any worries or anxieties your child might have connected with school, and obviously praise and encourage all his or her achievements. Be alert for any signs your child is being bullied, and take any concerns your child might have seriously. Despite what many schools like to believe (even those with good anti-bullying policies), incidents of bullying are commonplace and usually happen in the playground.
Also – and this is more difficult – watch out for signs that your child could be bullying others. None of us likes to believe that our little treasure is capable of wilfully harming another child, but all children at some time will say or do something that is unkind, dominating or hurtful to another child. If such behaviour comes to your attention, don’t ignore it, as it will escalate if left unchecked, but don’t over-react either. Act swiftly and firmly, and deal with the incident as you have been dealing with all your child’s negative behaviour, by using the 3Rs. And remember, it is the behaviour and not the child that is wrong – ‘Tom, it was cruel to do that to Sam,’ not ‘You are cruel.’ Explain to your child why the behaviour or remark was wrong (that it was hurtful and we should be kind to others and respect their feelings), and that it mustn’t happen again.
Some children are naturally more forceful and domineering than others, and while a child continually insisting that he or she should be the leader in a game or being very bossy isn’t bad bullying it is a form of control, which is only one step away from bullying. The child needs to be taught that their playmates should be given a turn to be in charge of the game. Children at this age vary greatly in their confidence and leadership skills, and while some children have a flair for organising, others need a lot of encouragement. Obviously you won’t be able to oversee your child in the playground, but listen carefully to what he or she tells you about time spent in the playground with other children.
When your child has friends home to play, be aware of their conversations, and make sure their games are not one-sided, with Tom or Claire controlling everyone else all of the time. It is essential that children learn teamwork and cooperation with others at this age, not only for successful and enduring friendships, but to put in place the skills they will need in adult life to function at work and in their relationships with other adults.
Being disliked by your child
Don’t worry about being in your child’s ‘bad books’. We are all there sometimes – it comes with the territory of good parenting, particularly with children of this age. Any parent who avoids enforcing rules or disciplining their child because they don’t want to incur their child’s displeasure will have their authority and respect severely diminished in the child’s eyes. In the same vein, don’t ‘curry favour’ with your child in matters of behaviour. Obviously you will be loving and caring towards your child, but don’t try to ingratiate yourself by ignoring or endorsing bad behaviour. Your guidelines for good behaviour are essential and reasonable. Explain why you have asked your child to do something or have stopped them from doing something. That is sufficient.
Expect to be disliked sometimes by your child, and don’t take it personally. Enforcing boundaries is an integral part of successful parenting. It shows your child that you love and care for him or her enough to go out of your way to make sure they behave. It is far easier to give in to or ignore unacceptable behaviour, but that will send your child the message that you can’t be bothered to enforce discipline and therefore don’t care. Clear and consistent boundaries, put in place and enforced through the 3Rs, create a healthy, loving and respectful environment in which your child will flourish and become a credit to you.
Cause and effect
At this age your child will be assuming more and more responsibility for him- or herself, and for his or her behaviour. It is very important that your child understands the consequences of his or her actions – cause and effect. So many of the children I foster with behavioural issues have lived in a bubble (as their parents do), going through life with total disregard for the consequences of their actions, in respect of others and society at large. It can come as quite a revelation to the child that what he or she does has an effect, positive or negative, on another person, and that he or she is solely responsible for that effect. They will learn this if you show them that good behaviour brings praise and bad behaviour leads to a sanction.
It is relatively easy to notice and praise your child’s positive actions, and easy for your child to accept the acknowledgement of his or her good behaviour – ‘Thank you, Tom, that was very kind of you,’ perhaps said when Tom held a door open for you. Or tidying up his bedroom on the first time of being asked – ‘Well done, Tom! You’ve done a great job. That looks so much better.’ Or perhaps your child went out of her way to draw a less confident