no matter how close, still need to do their own thing sometimes – even twins need their own space to develop their personalities.
Role playing is good for bonding, and also great fun. Playing shops is an old and enduring favourite, with the child, sibling or parent taking turns to be the shopkeeper. Play food and plastic money can be used, or tins and packets from the kitchen and coins from your purse.
Board games are great for teaching cooperation and fairness, but they also have the potential to degenerate into argument, particularly if a child is very competitive and needs to win. Teach your child from an early age, by example, that it is not the winning of the game but the playing that is fun, and the aim of the activity. A child (or adult) chirping loudly at the end of a game that he or she has won rankles me, not to mention the other children playing. I have a saying, passed on to me by my father, and to him by his father: ‘When you win, say nothing, and when you lose, say even less.’ I love this maxim, and children of all ages and abilities understand its philosophy when it is explained to them; I’ve even heard them repeating it to other children when playing with a loud, self-praising winner.
If a particular game has the habit of degenerating into argument, then put it away and get it out again only on the understanding that everyone plays nicely. Our game of Monopoly regularly takes time out. I don’t know what it is about Monopoly, for it is a great game for all the family, but it also has the potential for escalating competitiveness, resulting in accusations of cheating from even the most placid of children.
Obviously don’t allow cheating in any game; it is a form of lying, and undermines the whole concept of game playing, as well as sanctioning deception. If a child persistently cheats, then use the 3Rs to modify his or her behaviour, putting away a game if necessary or stopping a role-playing game.
Playing fairly and taking turns is important for a child’s behavioural development, and in forming relationships with others, so don’t ignore or dismiss what might seem trivial. If the child has cheated once and got away with it, he or she is more likely to do it again. Request – ‘Tom, play fairly. There is no point in playing if you are going to cheat.’ Repeat with a sanction if necessary – ‘Tom, if you can’t play the game fairly and allow others their turn, I will put the game away.’ And do so if necessary, getting it out again only when Tom agrees to play fairly by the rules.
If you have a group of children all squabbling over a game, then address your Request to play fairly to the group – ‘Play fairly and take turns. There is no fun in playing that game if you are all going to argue.’ Repeat, with the warning of the sanction if necessary; if this fails, then take the game away and find something else to amuse them with.
As well as playing with your child, be playful. Many situations can be lightened by a playful word or comment, and it’s lovely for your child to see your sense of humour. Your child will pick up and imitate your humour, just as he or she does your other behaviour. I have found that even children with severe learning difficulties, and those who carry a heavy burden from previous abuse, can tune in and respond to humour. It is heart-warming to see a seriously disadvantaged child laugh at a joke or see the humour in a situation. Not only is it good therapy but it is a good philosophy for life – humour allows us to deal with many otherwise untenable situations.
Starting school: 5–8
Starting school is a big step for any child, even if he or she has been going to nursery or preschool. The building will be different and bigger than the nursery, and there will be a new routine with different rules to follow. New adults will be in charge, with different expectations, particularly concerning the child’s independence and self-reliance; and the child will be expected to make new friends. Added to this, your child will now be away from you for the greater part of every weekday, when many new influences will compete with yours. Some of these influences, in the form of school policy and discipline, will be welcomed by you, while others – from older more streetwise children, perhaps – may not.
Sometimes your child will appear incredibly mature as he or she waves goodbye and goes into school; at other times he will appear so small and vulnerable that you will have to stop yourself from rushing over and scooping him up and taking him home with you.
When your child starts school you pass responsibility, care and discipline of your child to other adults, in whom you have put your trust, for a large part of the week. These adults, in the form of teachers, classroom assistants and playground and lunchtime supervisors, will largely continue with what you have put in place in respect of your child’s learning, development and discipline. However, don’t expect the school to accomplish what you have not in respect of your child’s behaviour, or else you will be very disappointed. If your child is already having behavioural problems, far from disappearing when he or she starts school, they will probably escalate, for a while at least. Your child will be one of many, and if he has been overstepping the boundaries and acting out at home and nursery, school will give him an ideal platform to continue and develop his challenging behaviour. He will have a ready-made and attentive audience in the form of his peer group, and the teacher and assistants will be too busy attending to the needs of other children to keep an eye on one child the whole time.
School influence
Managing your child’s behaviour will be even more important now, to reinforce the expected standard of behaviour at home and also at school. It is essential you work closely with the teaching staff, so that any behavioural issues can be dealt with immediately and consistently. If your child sees that everyone is ‘singing from the same hymn sheet’, he or she will be more likely to respond and to modify any unacceptable behaviour. Never undermine the staff by siding with your child over a discipline matter, even if you are smarting from being told that your child has been naughty. Far from it increasing your child’s cooperation and respect for you, your child will view you as an (equal) accomplice, and your authority will be severely challenged. If you feel your child has been unfairly disciplined at school, make an appointment to see the teacher or a senior member of staff to discuss your concerns. The school’s influence in respect of the expected standards of behaviour is a valuable ally in reinforcing what you have put in place, and are putting in place, at home.
What might not be so helpful will be some of the influence on your child of other children in the playground. At this age children are still trying to assimilate the world around them, learning much about what we take for granted, so they will need plenty of guidance in their decision making. They will also be taking huge strides into autonomy and independence, trying and testing different behaviour and adapting what suits their personality in line with your guidelines. Many of your guidelines and boundaries for good behaviour will already have been accepted by your child and become second nature to him or her, while others will need reinforcing, particularly when your child hears others at school doing what you have forbidden. Every parent will hear at some time ‘But Kevin does …’ or ‘Tracy is allowed to …’ as children compare and challenge the boundaries of acceptable behaviour put in place by their parents. Don’t be swayed. If you take your meals at the table (as I believe all families should at least once a day), the fact that ‘Everyone else is allowed to have dinner in front of the television’ is not an argument for changing your house rules, and don’t give in to ‘Can I have my dinner in front of the television if I don’t make a mess?’
Don’t be put on a guilt trip into buying material possessions either, just because other children reportedly own them. There are so many ‘must haves’ now and advertising is being directed at younger and younger children. Designer trainers, football team colours and mobile phones are not essential items for starting school, despite what your child may tell you. If your decision is that your child will not be having a mobile phone until he or she is twelve (or whatever age you think is reasonable), that is your decision. It is a reasonable rule and you can explain why to your child.
Tom and Claire are now one of many, and no matter how vigilant the playground supervisors are it is impossible for them to monitor every action