way of love energy. When we become irritated with our beloved’s traits, this creates additional blocks to intimacy. You can use your energy to create a bridge between the two of you, which will keep you clear of the obstacles that risk causing your relationship to founder.
Feeling connected helps you stay close to one another so that you no longer feel separate or alone. In experiencing togetherness, your true self emerges; you can enjoy your natural state of connectedness with others. When you care for yourself by meeting your inherent need to share, you heal your loneliness. You can express empathy for others and know how they feel.
Making an authentic connection
Honest communication is an indicator of a good relationship. If you don’t feel understood, ask yourself if you really understand your partner. How can you expect your lover to know what you want if you don’t have sufficient empathy to understand them? You may need to work harder at understanding their motivation before you can develop a deeper communication and connection in your sexual relationship.
For deep communication, you need to be in touch with the depths of your own life. Living authentically means finding your passion by expressing yourself creatively. Ask yourself whether you are living according to your authentic nature – are you doing what you love doing? Are you expressing what is deep inside you? Are you speaking your truth?
Speak your truth
Make communication real; don’t fake it. You don’t need to fake anything you don’t feel. The key to real power is authenticity. You own your personal power when you take the risk of expressing your deepest truths. This expression may be an active decision to align yourself with your deeper nature. You can simply communicate your reality as it is, without pretence.
Use open communication to create harmony and purpose in your sexual relationship. This means speaking your truth and being heard, but remaining open and being willing to hear the truth of others. Look at the ways in which these truths are manifested in your life and love.
Surrender the need to control
Drop your defences and pretences. Frustration in a relationship can arise through attempting to impose your will or to make things happen. This creates a high level of tension. You may need to stop doing – to stop trying so hard – to make your relationship work in the way that you want. When you surrender any attempt at control and spend time being, rather than doing, you ultimately gain your personal power. Being too pushy creates rigidity, stress and suspicion. Being too passive creates a lack of focus and a tendency to escape daily life through daydreaming. Find your centre of balance and maintain it. Equally, don’t do anything sexually that you don’t want to do. Share your sexual secrets to defuse them. Deepen your trust.
Anger is often a sign of frustrated will. Let go of the frustration of attempting to impose your will. Experiment by not trying to push for your goal, or forcing yourself to carry on. Learn deep relaxation, and use meditation and yoga to let go of physical and mental rigidity. Nurture yourself and each other.
Noble speech
To heal emotional confusion it is essential to speak your truth. You need to communicate clearly what is important to you in your relationship so that your partner knows what your fundamental agenda is. For instance, if there are commitment problems in your relationship, you both need to be honest about your attitudes toward commitment.
While it is essential to hold onto your inner truth, Buddhists believe that it is important to consider the context of your speech before you speak. It is not okay to say what you want to say, regardless of the feelings of the listener or the consequences of your words. Buddhist precepts are fundamental to courteous, harmonious interaction.
Your words should be gentle and courteous, and go straight to the heart.
Your speech should be aimed at spreading harmony, uniting what is divided.
What you say should be said in the right context and at an appropriate moment.
Unless you can contribute something constructive, maintain a noble silence.
Don’t repeat in one place what you have heard in another; avoid gossip, slander and harsh language.
Communicate your kind intentions rather than anger.
Avoid putting others down; remind yourself of your limitations before rushing to criticize another.
Don’t try to impose your will on others. Do not hurt them intentionally, or dishonour them.
Speak about what you know, and admit it if you don’t know. Speak in accordance with facts, rather than your beliefs.
Be honest about any mistakes that you have made.
You need to remain open and loving with others rather than relate solely according to your own ego-centred needs. The Buddhist moral code is steeped in morality because of their belief in karma. Karma focuses on the relation of cause and effect – meaning that everything you do has a ripple effect on those around you. When you become aware of the serious effects of your smallest actions, you can then take responsibility for the consequences of all your actions. Whatever it is you are doing, make sure that you do no harm to other living beings.
Loving with attitude
Love is the heart of your relationship. Yet so many of us are emotionally wounded that our whole society seems afflicted by a deficit of love. Healing begins with attitude and intent. To help heal your heart, contemplate the following.
My heart energy is activated when I connect with others, my environment and the rest of the world.
I open my heart by opening up to others: I value all interactions with other people, and I am eager to spend time building and deepening relationships, regardless of any difficulties I may encounter.
I will allow myself the experience of joy, love and happiness, and accept elements of struggle and pain that result from missed opportunities to understand others.
Bring your lover into your heart
In this exercise, you visualize an image of your partner sitting in your own heart. By bringing your mate into your heart, you activate your heart chakra. This is the most important energy centre to nourish when learning Tantric practices, because it helps unite your heart and love with your sexuality. You can practise this exercise daily to deepen your capacity for loving connection.
Lie comfortably in the corpse pose with your arms and legs straight and relaxed, and your palms facing outwards. Alternatively, sit upright in a chair, with the soles of your feet firmly on the floor and your body relaxed. Place your hands on your knees, palms upwards.
Become aware of your breathing, and focus on the rise and fall of your breath. Feel your body ease and your mind release.
Now bring your attention to your partner. In your mind’s eye, see an image of them as though remembering a photograph. Mentally transfer this picture to the area of your heart, so that your lover sits within you. Let their image fill your heart.
As you breathe in, send your loving breath into the centre of your heart, bathing your beloved in love. Do this for a least ten slow breaths.