flesh.
When you touch your lover, keep your touch light. Imagine that you are tracing exquisite designs on your lover’s skin.
Think of softer, slower ways of touching your partner; this way sensuality arises naturally and won’t feel contrived.
Try using your fingertips, your fingernails or a feather to touch. Touch through silk, or massage with textured food like avocado puree or natural yoghurt.
Massage
Massage is about feeling good in your body, releasing tension, relaxing, receiving and surrendering to love. You can practise self-massage, or enjoy giving and receiving massage with your partner. It’s a good way to nurture each other, to feel cared for and looked after. Knotted muscles can be kneaded out, aches and stiffness released, worries stroked away and skin stimulated. By relaxing your partner through massage, you prepare him or her to receive your love and absorb your tenderness.
If your partner is going through a phase of not feeling sexually alive or responsive, massage maintains the physical contact that you associate with lovemaking. When you are having a difficult time sexually, massage helps you keep touching in a safe, non-pressurized way. All sex therapists suggest opting for non-genital touch and massage whenever your lovemaking is not working for one or both of you, and you need to work towards a new style of lovemaking. Your partner will relax more if massage is not set up as a prelude to sex, but something to enjoy for its own sake. Massage is about giving, without expectation of receiving – and receiving without feeling that you have to reciprocate. Sex, however, assumes that you will be responsive, and if your partner is not in the mood they will experience your desire as a pressure to satisfy your needs.
Sensual massage technique
There are a few golden rules for massage:
1 Keep the room warm. You may like to cover the parts of the body that you are not massaging with a warm towel.
2 Place a few drops of massage oil in your palms and rub them together to warm the oil before you apply it.
3 Keep one hand on your partner at all times; it’s distracting if your partner doesn’t feel your touch and then you suddenly place your hands on their body.
Start with your partner lying on their front and work on the area just above the buttocks. Use long strokes, sweeping from the base of the spine (on either side of the vertebrae rather than directly on the bones) up to the shoulders – use one hand on each side of the spine.
Knead the buttocks and work up along the spine.
Pay attention to releasing the muscles around the shoulder blades, starting on either side of the spine and moving around the side of the shoulder blade and then towards the shoulder joints. You may want to use both hands to knead the area above the shoulder blade, working first on one side, then on the other side of the body.
Massage along the side of the neck vertebra and into the base of the neck.
Once you have relaxed your partner’s body, you can start exploring different strokes, varying the rhythm and depth of pressure. Be careful not to hurt your partner at any stage, and always stop immediately if he or she feels uncomfortable. Ask for feedback throughout, so you can respond to your partner’s needs.
Self-pleasuring
Self-pleasuring is the key to taking responsibility for your own sexual satisfaction. Through self-exploration, you can learn about your own unique sexual response and focus on the subtleties of your own erotic pleasure. You can jettison old habitual ways of stimulating yourself if they aren’t particularly pleasurable, and discover new sensations. When you learn how to extend your erotic pleasure, you can share this knowledge with your sexual partner. Through experiencing yourself as pleasure, you can later include your partner in your pleasure.
As you pleasure yourself, allow your feelings to arise without judging yourself. Appreciate your positive qualities, and accept those that you know you struggle with (shyness, embarrassment or shame, for example). If you can achieve this, you will be able to reconnect with your passion for yourself, others and your life.
Make love to yourself
In order to connect with your sexual energy, make love to yourself. Set the scene by making sure the room is warm and put on some sensual, inviting music. Light some candles and a stick of incense, and crush some flower petals into a bowl of water. Then anoint your body with talcum powder or oil, appreciating the soft sensation of your flesh.
Sit comfortably as you start to anoint your skin with massage oil, or use talc if you don’t want to get too oily. Enjoy the feel of your body under your hands as well as the way your hands feel to your body.
Explore your body as if you were your own lover. Treat the experience like a meditation, relaxing into it. Take your time, experimenting with different touches. Stroke yourself with a feather, your hands, talcum powder or massage oil. Discover the sensitivity of different areas, paying particular attention to those you habitually neglect. Enter fully into the experience of your own pleasure.
After some time, focus on your genitals. Women: Oil your genitals all over – your inner thighs, vulva, inner lips and your anus. Explore the delicate skin on the inside of your thighs, perhaps stroking your breasts at the same time. Touch your inner and outer lips, and all the surfaces of your genitals. Play around the clitoris, using a finger on each side to rub up and down. Circle around the clitoris, or gently rub the hood over the clitoris. Take plenty of time in order to find out what feels delicious, and to immerse yourself in your own pleasure.
Men: Try different strokes and ways of touching yourself. Use your hand to hold your penis with your thumb facing up or down. Use one hand or two to cradle your genitals. Use your hand to make a ring around your penis. Roll your penis between your hands, or use rhythmic, stroking movements up and down its length. Cradle your scrotum, and rub or gently squeeze. Rub the fleshy mound behind your scrotum, which is the external prostate spot. As you get aroused by stroking your genitals, you may like to explore the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus) and the anus, as this area becomes more pleasurable when engorged with blood.
As you get really aroused, encourage a sensation of fine sexual energy to stream upwards from your genitals, warming your body.
Bring the self-pleasuring to a close by bringing one hand to rest over your pubic mound, and the other between your breasts, at your heart. Let sexual pleasure fill your heart.
Afterwards, relax in a luxurious warm bath.
STEP TWO Get connected: finding intimacy
Connection is a fundamental need. The drive for connection is the reason why we are all in relationship with others. Couples who are more connected feel happier in their relationship and their lives in general. They communicate well, and demonstrate how much they care about each other’s priorities in life.
A sense of connection is fundamental to Tantric sex. It covers many levels: emotional, sexual, loving, sharing a sense of vision and acknowledging your deep bond as soul mates. Tantra encompasses all these aspects of a relationship, and its practice encourages you to unify your two individual selves into a single ‘body’ of energy. This body is composed of love.
When you have awakened your own energy you can direct it toward another in love. In the same way that you care for yourself, you can take care of your lover. Rather than relate to one another on the basis of your personalities, learn to see your lover as an energy-body with whom you bond at heart level. Personality traits act as surface