ask questions. She accepted it, and me. She offered patience when I occasionally forgot a word, and she would soothe me when I woke from a bad dream as the crash haunted me. Because of her I had pieced together some small moments from the boy I once was. We discovered that when I was drifting to sleep she could ask me questions and occasionally things would lift from my subconscious. She wrote them down and sometimes I would recall what it meant. If only for a moment. When I had my lightning bolts of recollection of past moments, she waited until I was ready to say what I had seen. Her patience and understanding were more than I felt I deserved at times.
As Thomas continued to scream for Katie to spin him faster and faster I let myself picture a future with us three in it, just for a second until it was broken by Thomas running over to me, dizzy and smiling from ear to ear.
‘Daddy, did you see how fast I was spinning?’
‘I did,’ I replied smiling back.
‘Come and spin with me.’
‘Thomas, darling, it’s time to start heading back.’
‘Do we have to, Daddy?’
‘I’m afraid so. But don’t worry, next weekend will come quickly, and we will have the whole weekend together to play games and go out for yummy food. How does that sound?’
‘Can we go ice-skating?’
‘We can even do that.’
‘Will Katie be there too?’
‘Would you like her to be?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Yeah?’ I said grabbing my boy and hugging him tightly. ‘Well, let’s see what Daddy can do.’
I took his little hand and the three of us started to walk towards the cars, Thomas pausing to grab hold of Katie’s as well so we could swing him between us. With the sun setting behind us, our shadows were stretching out over the frosty ground. The three of us, hand in hand walking together.
Back at our cars I gave Katie a kiss and told her I wouldn’t be long. She and Rachael knew each other and got along well. We often met up with her and her new husband, Sean, for dinner. She liked him too, as did I. As hard as it was to accept that Rachael had moved on, at least it was with a decent man who Thomas really liked. After they had first met, Sean called me to talk about how he wasn’t trying to replace me in Thomas’s life. Like he had replaced me in Rachael’s.
Thomas was nearly four when we, actually she, decided it was best for us to separate, for the sake of our son. It had broken my heart. More because I wouldn’t be with Thomas night after night. But we both knew it would be the best thing for him in the long term. No courts would be involved. I could talk with Thomas whenever I wanted and big events, like birthdays and Christmases we still came together, even when she had married Sean. We did it for Thomas at first, to make sure he didn’t feel like he wasn’t loved because of love breaking down in other places. But now, we did it because, despite everything, we were friends. That’s why the five of us would all be seeing in the new year together, as a giant family.
Although Rachael and Katie got along, Katie didn’t come with me to drop Thomas off. She said it was time for his mother and father to catch up, to make plans for the coming week and ensure things ran as smoothly as possible for him. The little things, like this, made it easy to love her.
As I unlocked the car, Thomas let go and ran back to Katie to give her a hug. His little arms wrapping around her waist. Katie kissed the top of his head and then smiled at me, the kind of smile that made me want to burst. He said goodbye and ran back over, climbing into his car seat. Katie mouthed that she loved me, and I mouthed it back. She blew me a kiss, got into her car and drove away. I watched her disappear down the road.
Daniel
Stamford
29th December 2017, 3.41 p.m.
‘All strapped in tightly.’
‘Yes, Daddy.’
‘Great, shall we take you home, little man?’
Getting into the driver’s seat I looked at Thomas through the rear-view mirror, watching him smile at the other children who were now playing on the swings he had been. Content, I began the ten-minute drive back to Rachael’s house, the sound of the radio playing quietly above the hum of the car. I wanted to talk about Katie, it took me a few minutes to work out how. If I appeared too nonchalant he might think his view, or my feelings, didn’t matter, and they did, very much. If I went in too gung-ho it might freak him out. I took a deep breath.
‘Thomas?’
I waited for a response, one that was not forthcoming, as Thomas was so wrapped up in people-watching through the car window. So, I turned down the radio, which lifted him from his trance.
‘Thomas, I want to talk to you about Katie.’
‘What about her?’
‘Did you enjoy spending time alone with her today?’
‘Yes, she’s great.’
‘What else do you think about her?’
‘What do you mean, Daddy?’
Pausing for a moment I thought about the best way to answer.
‘I mean, well …’
‘What do you think about her, Daddy?’
Thomas’s question caught me off guard and knowing I needed to be honest I pulled over into a layby, put on the handbrake and turned to be eye to eye with my son.
‘I care about her a lot.’
‘You mean you love her?’
‘How would you feel if I did?’
‘Well, Mummy loves Sean.’
‘She does love Sean, very much.’
‘Then you should love Katie.’
‘Should I?’
‘Yes, Daddy. I don’t like thinking of you on your own when Mummy has Sean’
‘Thomas, you don’t ever have to worry about me, okay? I’m fine.’
I looked into his big green eyes. I could feel him really caring. He was such a bright, bright boy.
‘I’m more than fine,’ I said. ‘Are you really okay with the idea of Katie and me?’
‘Of course, Daddy. Can we go home now? I’m getting hungry’.’
I laughed. ‘Before we do, can I ask you a really big question, one I want you to answer as honestly as you can. And don’t worry about what I might feel, this question is about how you feel …’
‘Daddy, if you love her, you should marry her.’
I smiled at my wonderful, intelligent boy, who in that moment looked at me with a wisdom beyond his years. I could feel myself welling up with pride.
‘You’re a brilliant boy, you know that, right?’
‘Uh-huh, can we go now?’
‘Of course, darling. Let’s get you home.’
Turning to face the road again I started the car, turned the radio back up, and drove the rest of the way to Rachael’s in silence, like nothing had happened. When we arrived, Thomas unfastened his seatbelt, jumped out of the car and ran to his front door, ringing the bell repeatedly until Sean answered. Following behind with his coat, I shook Sean’s hand.
‘Hello, mate. Good week off?’
‘Yes thanks, Sean. Went far too quickly though.’
‘I hear that.’