and Ryan?’
‘Nothing’s going on between me and Ryan.’ And that’s where the problem lay. ‘I just wish it was,’ she said quietly. ‘Then none of this crap would be happening.’
Freddie frowned again. ‘’I don’t understand, sweetheart.’
She leaned over to gently kiss Rico’s warm cheek, stroking his hair. ‘No. Neither do I.’
‘Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is you’ve got on your mind? Would that help?’
Amber smiled at her dad. He was the best dad a girl could ask for, and she loved him beyond words. But she really didn’t want him getting mixed up in any more of her turbulent and complicated love life. He didn’t need that, and neither did she. ‘No, it’s okay. I’m gonna go with Ronnie, grab something to eat.’
‘Do you want me to take Rico?’
‘Oh, no, Dad, it’s alright. He can come with us.’
‘He doesn’t want to do that, do you, little fella? You’d rather spend some more time with your old granddad. He can stay the night, can’t you, kiddo? If your mum doesn’t mind.’
‘Dad, are you sure? You’ve had him all day, and I… I can’t just…’
‘Amber, it’s fine. I love having him, you know I do. You just go with Ronnie, okay?’
‘Okay.’ She smiled, kissing first Rico, then her dad. ‘I’ll call you later. You be a good boy now, baby, you hear me? No acting up for granddad.’
‘He’ll be fine. You go, go on.’
She made her way out of the Players’ Lounge, keeping her head down because she didn’t really want to stop for any small talk. She just wanted to leave Tynebridge and go somewhere away from it all. Just for a little while.
‘Hey, Amber, hang on!’
She’d put one foot outside of the door when he caught her, giving her no choice but to stop and face him. ‘What do you want, Ryan?’
‘I thought we were taking Rico home together?’
‘And when was that decided? I don’t remember making any plans. I didn’t even know Dad was bringing him in until ten minutes ago.’
‘You’re leaving him with Freddie, again?’
‘What do you mean, “again”? You make it sound as though Rico’s never with me. It’s one night, Ryan.’
‘Why?’
She narrowed her eyes as she stared at him. ‘Why, what?’
‘Why are you leaving him? Come on, Amber, you haven’t seen him all day…’
‘Can you just quit with the lectures and the guilt-tripping and anything else that has very little to do with you.’
‘He’s my son, too, Amber. So I think it has quite a bit to do with me. Jesus, I don’t even know how we got to this. To here. To the point where we can’t even have a frigging conversation without it ending in an argument. And it really doesn’t have to be this way, you know that, don’t you? It doesn’t have to be this way.’
She looked at him. A man she’d once thought she’d loved so much, but was Ronnie right? Had she ever really loved Ryan Fisher? Or had he always been nothing but a distraction. Something to hide behind because she was scared of giving in to someone she really should have left behind a long time ago.
‘Everything’s just so confusing, Ryan. And I’m sorry; sorry that it’s all turned to this so quickly, but… I don’t know. I just don’t know any more.’
He closed the door of the Players’ Lounge behind him, moving so he was standing in front of her, and she reluctantly leaned back against the wall.
‘Can’t we just talk, Amber?’
‘About what?’
‘About us. About how we can make this work – you, me and Rico. We’re a family now, babe. The three of us. We’re a family.’
She shook her head, looking down at her feet because meeting his eyes was painful. ‘It wouldn’t be fair, Ryan.’
‘Why not let me be the judge of what’s fair and what isn’t?’
‘Because that in itself isn’t fair, don’t you get it?’
‘What I get, Amber, is that you’re pushing me away because you can’t move on. You can’t fucking forget him, and I know that’s hard, because he’s here all the time…’
‘Which is why I need to get away, Ryan.’
‘You need to get over him. If he doesn’t want you, why are you wasting your time? Why are you even bothering to give him any thought at all. Amber, I love you. I love you, and I want this to work… I want us to work. I don’t want you to leave because you need to get away from him, I don’t want you to do that.’
‘Ryan…’ His mouth touching hers stopped her mid-sentence. Not that she’d had any idea what she’d been going to say anyway. And it felt nice, his kiss. His mouth was soft against hers, their lips moving together in a perfect rhythm, and for a few seconds Amber once more lost herself in that kiss. She allowed herself a few seconds to think about how it could be, if she was to just let it happen. The past few months had been good. Ryan had changed so much from that man she’d first encountered a couple of years ago. He was different now. He’d grown up, learnt to control himself; overcome his demons. And she was proud of him. He’d helped her through a crazy, unpredictable time in her life when, at times, she’d thought it was all crashing down around her. And she’d honestly thought she could love him again and that they finally stood a chance after everything that had managed to get in the way before. But now she wasn’t so sure. She just couldn’t be sure any more. And what he didn’t deserve was her making him think something could happen, if it really wasn’t going to.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘I know, baby. I know you do.’ Why couldn’t she love him back? Why couldn’t she do that? It would make everything so much easier if she could just do that.
‘Then let’s go home and talk about this. Rico can stay with your dad and we can…’
She shook her head, pulling away from him. ‘No, Ryan. I’m sorry… Look, if you want to take Rico tonight, just talk to my dad. He’s got all the baby stuff, and if you want to take him…’
He grabbed her hand as she started to walk away, stopping her in her tracks. But she didn’t turn around when he spoke. She couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure she could look at him now without the guilt overwhelming her. ‘I love you, Amber. Just remember that.’
She gently pulled her hand away from his and almost ran down the corridor, pushing open the doors that led out into the main reception so hard she almost flung them off their hinges, so desperate was her need to get away from that situation.
Stepping out into the almost empty, and thankfully cool, reception area, she walked over to the huge floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the main entrance, watching as the last of the derby-day crowd hung around outside, waiting to see if they could catch a glimpse of any of the players leaving.
‘Did that kiss mean anything?’
She felt a shiver run up her spine as his hand lightly touched the small of her back, staying there for a brief second or two. But he stayed behind her; she could feel him standing there, even if he wasn’t touching her now.
‘He loves me, Jim.’
‘But you don’t love him back.’
She couldn’t argue with that. She couldn’t lie, what would be the point? ‘I do love him.’
‘But