So, Greg, what are you doing tonight?
Greg: Rosie, my dear, I am all yours! Why don’t we get a bottle of wine, some takeaway and stay in? We can get Katie a DVD or something.
Rosie: Yep, that sounds like a great idea! And Katie will be really excited to see you.
Ruby: So should I call him?
Rosie: Call who?
Ruby: TED!
Rosie: Oh, yeah, of course! Ask him out. I can get Kevin to baby-sit and then we can all go on a double date. I’ve always wanted to do that!
Ruby: Oh, please, the innocence of the young and inexperienced. Ted and Greg will have absolutely nothing in common. They’re like chalk and cheese: a bank manager and a possible bank robber. They will hate each other, the atmosphere will be awkward, no one will talk, all you’ll hear is the munching of food in our mouths over the deafening silence like some kind of weird Chinese torture, we’ll all refuse dessert, skip the coffee, pay, leg it out the door and feel relieved and promise ourselves never to meet up again.
Rosie: How does next Friday sound?
Ruby: Friday’s fine.
Greg: I hope Ruby is OK with us after the other night; we were kind of in a world of our own.
Rosie: Don’t be silly, she didn’t mind at all. She met some guy called Teddy Bear. Oh, and by the way, are you free to go out on a double date thingy for dinner on Friday night? That’s if I can get a baby-sitter for Katie.
Greg: A dinner date with Ruby and a man named Teddy Bear. Sounds interesting.
Rosie: Greg said he’s free for dinner on Friday.
Ruby: Well, that’s all very well but I haven’t asked Ted yet. What did Alex say about you and Greg being in love?
Rosie: Well, I didn’t say I was in love, Ruby! Greg and I haven’t even said that to each other yet! But Alex sent me some weird letter telling me that he thinks that Greg sounds like a freak of nature and that he’s insulted that I don’t think that he’s supportive of me and Katie. He just went on a bit of a rant, to be honest, but I won’t take any notice because he had worked all night at the hospital and he was tired.
Ruby: Uh-huh.
Rosie: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ruby: This is just as I suspected. He’s jealous.
Rosie: Alex is not jealous!
Ruby: Alex is jealous of your relationship with Greg; he feels threatened.
Greg: So what time should I call over to you tonight? Seven or eight?
Rosie: No, Alex is not jealous of my relationship with Greg! Why should he be? He’s married to perfect pretty little Sally – happily, might I add (at least according to Sally) – and I have a lovely photograph of the two of them lying on the beach together looking very much in love just to prove it. I gave him a chance to be part of Katie’s life and mine and he chose to remain my friend, which I have now come to terms with. It’s fine. Now I am in a relationship with Greg, he’s wonderful and I no longer care about Alex in that way at all whatsoever! So that’s all I have to say about that, thank you very much! I am over Alex, he is not interested in me and now I am in love with Greg! So there!
Greg: Well … thank you for sharing all that with me, Rosie. I can’t tell you enough how thrilled I am to hear that you are no longer in love with a man named Alex ‘at all whatsoever’, as you so articulately put it.
Rosie: Oh my God, Ruby!! I just sent Greg the message that was supposed to be for you!! Fuck fuck FUCKETY FUCK! I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM!!!!
Greg: Em … that, eh … went to me again, Rosie. Sorry …
Rosie: Oh …
Ruby: Oh what?
Rosie: OK, so that has to be the singularly most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, without any doubts, NO exceptions!!!
Ruby: What about the time you wore that white dress out to a club with no underwear on, and someone spilled water all over you and it was suddenly completely see-through?
Rosie: OK, so that was pretty embarrassing.
Ruby: And what about the time you were in the supermarket and you grabbed another little girl’s hand by mistake and started dragging her out to the car while Katie waited inside crying her eyes out?
Rosie: That little girl’s mother said it was fine and she dropped the charges.
Ruby: And what about the time—
Rosie: OK, that’s enough, thank you! Maybe it was not the most embarrassing thing ever, but it’s pretty much up there with the all-time classics. The number-one embarrassing moment being the time I kissed Alex.
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Rosie: Oh, come on, you’re supposed to make me feel better.
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Rosie: The joy of having supportive friends. I’m going now; Randy Andy is glaring at me like a schoolmaster over the rim of his incredibly sexy brown-rimmed spectacles.
Ruby: Maybe he wants you to be the naughty schoolgirl.
Rosie: Well, he’s just a few years too late for that. I think he wants to kill me. His nostrils are flaring and he’s breathing quite heavily.
Ruby: Are his hands above the desk?
Rosie: Uuugh! Ruby, stop!
Ruby: What? You don’t think they call him Randy Andy for nothing, do you?
Rosie: I hate open-plan offices. He can see me from every corner of this room, and my legs underneath the desk. Oh my, now he’s staring at my legs.
Ruby: Rosie, you really need to get out of that office. It’s not healthy.
Rosie: I know, I’m working on it, but I can’t quit until I get another job and that’s proving to be rather difficult. Apparently no one really cares about whether or not you work as a secretary in a paperclip factory.
Ruby: How odd … and it sounds so glamorous.
Rosie: Oh my God, he has now moved his chair over so he can get a better look. Hold on a minute while I send him a message. I’ve had enough!
Ruby: Don’t!
Rosie: Why not? I’ll just send him a polite message asking him to stop looking at me because I find it distracting while I’m trying to work.
You have an instant message from: ROSIE.
Rosie: Stop staring at my tits, you pervert.
Rosie: OK, Ruby, I sent it.
Ruby: Oh, you are so fired. Randy Andy doesn’t take too kindly to brash young ladies who stick up for themselves.
Rosie: Screw him! He can’t fire me for that!
Ms. Rosie Dunne,
Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. will no longer be requiring your services, which means that your contract will therefore not be up for renewal next month as was previously discussed.
You are, however, entitled to remain as an employee of Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. until the end of the month, i.e. 30 June.
Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. thanks you for the work you have put into the company over the past few years and we wish you luck in the future.
Yours sincerely,
Andy Sheedy