like when Oxford University rejected my UCAS application before even meeting me. You can’t get upset because they don’t even know who you are. They’re just rejecting a piece of paper, or a bunch of words on a website in your case.’
‘Yeah, you’re so right,’ I said. ‘You know what? I feel way more empowered. Thanks, Em. I don’t give a shit if JT rejects me any more. My personality comes through in person not pixels. I bet he’d never turn down a one-night stand with me IRL, so who cares if he does online?’
‘What’s this IRL?’ asked Sergio.
‘In real life,’ replied Emma and I automatically.
‘Anyway, you can get back to having sex now,’ I announced, as I walked out of the room. ‘I’m off to ask out a man.’
I sat in the living room staring blindly at the TV. JT still hadn’t replied. The message I’d sent kept flashing up in my head:
So I was wondering if maybe we should meet in person? How about a drink?
It had been, like, two hours and he still hadn’t replied. I’d managed to fuck it up with a guy without even meeting him. I was seriously doomed.
‘Hey, El, how’s it going?’
Ollie walked into the room and sat on the sofa next to me. I quickly pulled my leggings down so he wouldn’t see my unshaven legs. ‘Oh fine,’ I said. ‘Only, I just messaged a guy online and he hasn’t replied. Such is my life.’
‘Oh yeah? You know, I can’t believe you’re doing online dating.’
‘What, why not?’ I asked, feeling semi-offended.
‘I just wouldn’t have thought you’d need to.’
Was that … a compliment? ‘Oh really? That’s so nice.’
‘Well, you’re twenty-two. I would have thought that’s a bit, like, young.’
‘It is not too young,’ I cried. ‘Hello, we live in the Tinder world. This is just what everyone does. How else are you meant to meet someone?’
‘Yeah, but Tinder seems more legit. Why didn’t you just do that?’
‘Because it still feels like a sex app and I like the idea of knowing someone’s basic details and thoughts before meeting them.’
‘So you’re not looking for sex?’ He grinned, showing his little dimples.
I blushed. ‘Well, I mean, I am. But I’d rather do it after a date, and not just in the loo of a bar.’
‘Don’t. You’re making me nostalgic for my single days.’
‘You had sex in a loo?’
‘A girl went down on me outside the uni student union once. Pre-Yomi, obviously.’
‘Jesus,’ I said, trying to ignore the fact that I was suddenly seriously envious of this blow job girl.
‘I know. It was fucking fun.’
‘Sounds it. So, Yomi straightened you out, then?’
He grinned at me and I tried to not stare into his eyes. ‘I’ve still got my dirty side.’
I laughed. ‘Ew, you sound so pervy.’
‘I try. So, who’s this guy who isn’t replying to you?’
‘Ah, he’s called JT. Seems normal, hot and interesting. We’ve been messaging, but then I asked him out and he didn’t reply.’
‘You asked him out?’
‘Should I not have? Is that weird? Oh God.’
‘No, calm down. I think it’s really cool. I don’t think there are many girls who would do that. In fact, I’d be fucking thrilled if a girl asked me out.’
‘Really?’ He nodded and looked into my eyes. Oh Christ. I really had to stop fancying my flatmate who had a GIRLFRIEND. ‘I don’t think Yomi would be,’ I said, bringing the conversation back to the perfect doctor.
‘Fair point. But she doesn’t like a lot of what I do, so …’
Did this mean there was trouble in paradise? ‘Really? What kind of stuff?’ I asked.
‘She doesn’t really like my mates from home, which kind of bothers me. It’s because most of them didn’t go to uni, and I guess she finds them hard to relate to. But they’re all really good guys. And she works so hard she’s rarely up for going out. I know she’s under a lot of pressure with her finals, but it’s just difficult, you know?’
I nodded, trying to pretend I was au fait with relationship problems. ‘Yeah, that sounds difficult. It’s why I don’t want a boyfriend right now—I can’t handle the compromises.’
‘Ha, I know what you mean. We’re too young to stop being selfish.’
‘Exactly.’ I grinned. ‘Maybe Yomi needs to remember to be younger.’
‘Yeah, maybe. Hey, do you mind if I change the channel? Tottenham are playing.’
‘Go for it. I, um, need to do something upstairs anyway.’
‘Cool. See you later.’
I went up to my room with my heart fluttering. He was so insanely attractive, and if he and Yomi broke up, then Caesar would be answering all of my prayers. But in the meantime, he’d still given me an idea. I’d been so wrapped up in my profile that I’d forgotten I was competing with hundreds, nay thousands, of attractive single women online.
I needed to check out the competition. I went to OKCupid.com, logged out of my profile and clicked ‘create profile’. Select gender: male.
I quickly made a basic profile (Tim201) and started searching. I wanted women aged twenty to twenty-nine. The list came up and my mouth dropped open in surprise. These profiles were nothing like my modest-but-flirty attempt. All these girls looked like part-time models, porn stars or Abercrombie & Fitch employees. I was doomed. Utterly doomed.
I clicked on Ange_xx. Her doe-eyed pose won me over immediately and I was semi-seduced by her pouting selfies. Oh God. Why would JT_ldn want to date me if there were girls like Ange_xx out there? I was officially fucked.
I scrolled back to my own profile and stared at the pictures in misery. They all looked like me. This was not going to work. Wasn’t the whole point of online dating to make yourself look better than you really do? I needed to slut up my pics. ASAP.
My first port of call was Facebook. I went straight to my photos from sixth form. I sighed in relief as I flicked through them and realised I was right; my boobs were on show in every single one. I was caked in make-up, my curves were forced into minuscule dresses, and I looked sexy enough to take on Ange_xx.
I selected one of the most blatant pictures and, ignoring the twinge of self-disapproval I was feeling, quickly made it my new profile picture. I knew Emma had said online dating was a feminist tool, so I probably shouldn’t have gone for such a tacky man-catching ploy, but if everyone else was doing it … Besides, I bet it wasn’t just the girls. JT_ldn was probably four inches shorter and five years older than he promised.
Fuck, what if he had lied?!
My phone beeped. There was a message from JT.
I’d love to. Think we should do it soon before you get a whole line of dates with your new profile picture. Very hot by the way.
I screeched out loud. OK, it was kind of embarrassing he had noticed my photo ploy—but he also thought I was hot and wanted to go for drinks, and I had successfully asked out a guy!!! I was a woman of the future and a feminist in action. No one had to know I’d used a photo of my tits to do it.