was affected. But so were her brothers, who lived on the family farm where she’d been born in Iowa. “You promised if he ever broke out of prison, you’d protect my family. What about my mom? My brothers at our farm? Are you doing that?”
“Already done,” Brenda assured her. “We’re working with local and state police. Your family has been warned in Iowa. And your mother is fine. We’re not moving her. We feel she’s fine where she is. They know Dirk escaped, and your brothers will be guarded 24/7 by those police agencies.”
Relief poured through Susan. “Are you sure they’ll be—”
“I am.” Brenda sat up. “Listen, you need to move, Susan. I can see in your face that you don’t want to, but you have to. We can’t risk Payson finding you here.”
“I don’t think he will,” Susan said, her voice strong. “I have my friends, Brenda. I have a publishing contact, the art department and—”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Susan’s stomach knotted. “The last five years of my life I’ve found some peace, Brenda. I—I still haven’t come to grips with losing my baby girl.” She wanted to say the baby’s name, but the word Sarah froze on her lips. To say it would make her lose all control. “I’m putting myself through art school with your help. I have a job I love and I’m good at it. I’m a nanny, but I want to tap into my other talents. I make ends meet without FBI financial assistance except for the school tuition. I shouldn’t have to do this! Everything that makes me secure is here. I’ve just begun to feel safe.”
Brenda’s eyes narrowed. The woman’s heavily made-up face seemed as if it would crack from tension. Already, Susan was crying inwardly. Brenda had saved her life, gotten her through the court hearings, the trial and then swept her into the witness protection program. In some ways, Brenda was like a mother to her.
“I’m sorry, Susan. I know how much you’ve blossomed here in New York. But I can’t be persuaded to let you stay here. If Payson gets hold of you, he’ll kill you. We both know that. His threat to you is part of the court testimony. Don’t you want to live?”
“I want to live, not hide!” Susan cried out, her hands convulsing into fists in her lap. “I’m tired of this charade, Brenda. I want so badly to visit my mother, my brothers, but I can’t. All I’m allowed is a monthly phone call with my mother. I can’t ever see them! Do you know what that’s like? I feel like I’m dead already!”
Brenda sat back, tapping her red nails on the glass over the desk. “I do understand,” she said gently. “Isn’t half a life better than no life?”
Shutting her eyes, Susan fought back tears. She’d cried hardly at all since waking up in the hospital, but the grief was still locked up within her. The shock, the stresses and pressures of the hiding, the FBI agents always in the next room protecting her, the nightmares and PTSD symptoms conspired against her. Right now, Susan felt on the edge of nothing. She could close her eyes and see her pathetic, thin figure balanced on her toes over a precipice that had no bottom.
“Susan?”
Opening her eyes, she drilled Brenda with a glare. “I’m the victim here. I was the one who was gut-punched. Dirk killed our baby.”
“He damn near killed you, too. If that FBI agent who was there for surveillance hadn’t pulled over after you stumbled out of that house with your nose bleeding, you’d be dead. When the agent saw you, he moved into action. He saved your life, Susan. You owe it to him and your family to keep going. I know it’s hard. I know you want to see them. But right now, you must move. We have to put you out in the middle of nowhere. We’ve had a team on this for six hours trying to figure out, based upon Payson’s profile, where in the U.S.A. he would not look for you. Wyoming tops that list.”
Nodding, Susan looked down at her white fingers. Once again, her world was coming to an explosive, chaotic halt. Once more, her life was in jeopardy. Worse, this time it involved her mother and her brothers. Would Dirk go after them? He didn’t know where her mother was, thank God. But he did know where her brothers lived. They had refused witness protection.
The FBI had persuaded her mother to disappear and she’d reluctantly agreed. Would Dirk kill her brothers to get even? A cold, aching chill wove down her spine. Susan had weekly nightmares of Dirk stalking her family and killing them, one by one. This mess was all her fault, and yet, her family had stood by her. They’d believed in Susan, and in her testifying to put Dirk away for good. None of them had entertained the thought of him ever breaking out of prison.
“My mother knows I’m moving again?”
Brenda nodded. “She feels it’s the right thing for you to do, Susan.”
Clearing her throat, she whispered, “All right. Jackson Hole, Wyoming.”
“Yes.” Brenda sat up, relieved. She handed Susan a file. “We’ve rented a small house for you. It’s a cabin on a ranch. You can continue with your art career online and work long-distance with your teachers. We’ve changed your name, and all your records will reflect that. At least that stays solid and reliable.” She managed a thin smile, hoping to cheer Susan up. “You can pick up a job there as a nanny. Your new name,” she said, pulling over a file and opening it, “is Rachel Carson. We have a completely new identity for you, including a new social security number, driver’s license and a deep résumé should people check it.” Brenda handed her the envelope with the information.
“Then…I can’t tell my friends I’m leaving, can I?” It seemed unconscionable. None of her friends knew who she really was or what had happened to her. None ever would. Yet, to leave them like this—without a word of explanation—was cruel. Susan shook her head. “This is awful. They’ll think the worst of me.”
“Maybe,” Brenda said with sympathy. “But if they were in your shoes, they’d do what they had to do to survive, Susan.”
Susan glared at the FBI agent, her wound as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. Her unborn baby, Sarah, had been dead when she’d miscarried her in the emergency room. Dead from Dirk’s fist. Her baby could have lived had it not been for massive brain trauma. That was one of the few times Susan had cried. She had passed out from loss of blood and they had taken her dead daughter away.
When she regained consciousness two days later, Susan had wanted to see Sarah, but they’d said she was already in the morgue and had undergone an autopsy. She had sat in that private room, her arms aching to hold the daughter she’d carried. Something vital had fled from her spirit. She’d never got to say goodbye to her baby. Susan hadn’t cared if she lived or died that day. But Brenda pulled her through.
Depression settled in on Susan as she recalled those stark, terrible days after her miscarriage. Looking at the folder, she slowly opened it with trembling hands. “I guess a sane person would be scared, wouldn’t they? I mean, of Dirk being on the loose again.”
Shrugging, Brenda murmured, “Hon, you’re still going through the grief of losing your baby. I can see that. Grief has a funny way. Sometimes, it’s fast. Sometimes, it’s long and drawn-out.”
“It will be forever for me, Brenda,” she said, skimming the information in the file.
“Your heart was ripped out.”
Just the warmth burning in Brenda’s eyes made Susan rally. “It still feels ripped out. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever heal.”
“When you meet the right man and get pregnant and have a second child, your healing will begin,” Brenda answered softly. The silence settled between them. Finally, the FBI agent continued, “I already have a moving team over at your apartment. They’re boxing everything up for you. All you have to do is take this airline ticket and go. I’ve got a driver waiting downstairs to take you to the airport.”
Stunned, Susan realized she wouldn’t even be going back to her apartment. Her cocoon was gone. Destroyed, once more. Once again by Dirk Payson. Feeling horribly vulnerable, Susan rubbed her arm.