Everything You Need to Know!
‘She’s an intelligent, talented girl and a pleasure to have in the class, but she could do so much more if only she had more confidence.’
‘Yes, he does get picked on. If he was a bit more confident they’d probably leave him alone.’
‘Why didn’t she tell me this herself? If I’d known before I could have helped. The trouble is that she’s so quiet. If she’d only speak up more in class.’
‘There’s nothing stopping him but himself. He’s got to believe he can do it. He’s too much of a worrier.’
These are the kind of remarks that have sent parents running to see me. Their cry of despair and guilt is almost invariably the same:
‘I know she needs more confidence, but what can I do? I’ve tried everything. We couldn’t love the children more than we do. It’s not that we want them to be super-successful – we just want them to be happy and give them the best start in life. Where have we gone wrong?’
The first task, as in any kind of problem-solving process, is to stop beating ourselves up about what we have or haven’t done. The second is to break down what appears to be an impossibly giant problem into manageable proportions. If you promise to take care of the first, I will now attempt to help you with the second!
Several years ago, after carefully observing the characteristics and behaviour of confident and not-so-confident people and studying the research, I decided that self-confidence is actually a package. In that package we would expect to find a good-enough supply of eight key ingredients. Some of these are personal qualities, which feed our inner confidence, and others are learned social skills, which enable us to handle the outside world in a confident manner. If we are lucky enough to have a good-enough supply of all eight of these ingredients, we seem to have an extra boost of personal power and feel and appear to be what I call Super Confident.
8 Key Ingredients of Super Confidence
Inner confidence:
self-love (adopting self-nurturing behaviour and lifestyle)
self-knowledge (reflecting on feelings, thoughts and behaviour)
clear goals (having a strong sense of purpose)
positive thinking (expecting and looking for good experiences and outcomes)
Outer confidence:
communication skills (communicating effectively with people)
self-presentation (‘looking the part’ of a confident person)
assertiveness (expressing needs directly and insisting upon one’s rights)
emotional control (keeping ‘the upper hand’ on emotions)
Meet the Super Confident Teen
Now I’d like you to use your imagination to visualize some teenagers brimming with ‘super confidence’. I am aware that, unless you inhabit a different planet to me, you might find it difficult to bring this image to mind. So here are some clues. This is what you should be imagining:
1. Being full of SELF-LOVE, you would see them:
eating highly nutritious, well-balanced, regular meals; keeping away from all forms of junk food and going very easy on toxic drinks
saying a firm ‘No’ to debilitating late nights and all night raves
sharing their achievements openly and proudly with the rest of the world and never putting themselves down
2. Having a high degree of SELF-KNOWLEDGE, you would see them:
looking at ease if you saw them confronted with a difficult decision or dilemma because they have such a clear idea of what they believe to be right and wrong
achieving goals because they know exactly what their strengths and weaknesses are, and they would play on one and avoid using the other
3. Having CLEAR GOALS, you would see them:
leaping out of bed with enthusiasm each morning because they would be pursuing a vivid ‘life-dream’
working purposefully. You would never catch them dithering about what to do next
4. Being great POSITIVE THINKERS, you would see them:
chatting optimistically about their future plans
looking for the best qualities in the people around them
5. Being highly SKILLED COMMUNICATORS, you would see them:
listening carefully and patiently before saying their piece
presenting their case in an articulate and appealing manner
6. Being skilled at SELF-PRESENTATION, you would see them:
choosing to wear clean, eye-catching clothes
refusing to wear or be sold clothes that didn’t suit them even though they might be the latest ‘in’ look
keeping their living space adequately tidy and attractive
7. Knowing how to be ASSERTIVE, you would see them:
negotiating for their rights using a calm voice and logical argument
willingly compromising more often than not
standing up for the rights of people who are not able to fight their own battles
8. Having great EMOTIONAL CONTROL, you would see them:
calmly doing relaxation exercises before any anxiety-provoking occasion such as an exam or interview
controlling their temper in the face of frustration
re-motivating themselves with rewards and positive self-talk when they hit a rough patch or a setback
Would it be a dream to live with such a creature? No, of course not. In fact, I think it would be a nightmare! You might appreciate it for an odd day or two, but not I guess for much longer. You wouldn’t like to live with a paragon of consistent confident virtue anymore than they would like saints for their parents. So why did I ask you to visualize a teenager brimming with super confidence? Well, in self-development work I have found that even if our aim is to reach a good-enough standard 95% of the time, it is useful to have an image of perfection by which to judge our progress and inspire us to attain on the odd occasion!
About the Golden Rules
In the following chapter you will find the 21 Golden Rules for parents, which will show you step-by-step how to build a good-enough measure of inner and outer confidence in your teenager. Hopefully you will find the rules easy to remember so that they can be used as a day-to-day guide. As each rule contains a number of tips, I envisage that they could also serve as a checklist to consult when you encounter a problem that you feel overwhelmed by. I have devised the Golden Rules as ‘standards of excellence’ – reflecting on how you are measuring up against each Rule may give you an idea of where to start making some changes. But don’t forget, as I said in my introduction, this is a ‘rough guide’