from birth with a gift to listen. In fact, most people who apply to do counselling courses name this skill as one of their natural strengths. I certainly remember doing so and I also remember being seriously disappointed to find out during the course just how bad a listener I really was! Most of the time I was actually hearing what I wanted or expected to hear. It took months and months of rigorous and confrontational practical work to change some of my bad habits. (Even now, 25 years later, they re-surface from time to time, especially when I am over-stressed or emotionally involved.)
As a parent you won’t of course need the level of skill you would expect from a counsellor. But listening is such a key confidence-building tool that I am sure it would be worthwhile reading through the following guidelines. You could re-read them whenever you find yourself locked in communication problems with your teen (and who doesn’t at some time!) For those of you who have shy, nervous or inarticulate children it might well be worthwhile to find a friend with whom to test out some of the strategies that I suggest. Good listening is not a skill that can be learned theoretically. It takes practise and good feedback to develop.
Top Tips
• Avoid directly suggesting you want or need ‘a talk’ – however kind your tone or however much they may need to talk, when the idea is put in that way it is often perceived at worst as ‘a threat’ and at best ‘a bore’.
• Pick your moment and location carefully – of course the perfect time will rarely be available, but at least try to choose a time when neither of you is too stressed, tired or itching to focus your attention elsewhere. With boys, especially, it is usually best to talk while doing something together or alongside each other.
As a general rule, it is best to avoid public situations, particularly for heart-to-heart talks or resolving conflict. However, I can recall having very meaningful and memorable conversations with my daughters in cafes while out shopping together. Perhaps the closeness we felt as a result of doing a shared ‘girly’ fun activity helped create the right atmosphere and allowed one of us to seize the moment.
Some people find that it is much easier for their teen to open up when they are in their own territory. Others have told me that they have found that bedrooms are the biggest ‘no-go’ area for conversations.
So once again, it is down to trial and error with each and every individual child.
• Stay patient and positive. As long as you keep in mind that privacy is a major concern for this age group, and you are prepared to be rebuffed innumerable times and seize moments which may not be ideal for you, you will eventually win through. The temptation to talk to someone who really wants to listen is one very few humans can resist for long!
• Go easy on the questions – instead use statements, observations and self-disclosure. You can say, for example:
‘I noticed that you didn’t eat your breakfast this morning. Perhaps you just weren’t hungry. I know I never felt like eating just before an exam.’ (Rather than: ‘Why didn’t you eat your breakfast?…Are you worried about the exam?’)
Even if you don’t elicit a response, at least you have shown that you care and understand their feelings.
• Mentally gag yourself for the first minute or two of your talk – don’t interrupt with your own thoughts, feelings or shared experiences. This is much harder to do than you might think. We often interrupt with our own story or feeling or experience quite automatically. (‘Funny you should say that, I was also…’ / ‘That never happens to me, I always…’) This is fine if you are having an ordinary social conversation with two adults, but less helpful if you are an adult with more power, articulacy and experience than a young person with fledgling confidence.
• Use body language or encouraging ‘noises’ to show that you are listening – having gagged yourself, don’t turn to stone! It is important to communicate in some way that you really are listening. You can do this by, for example:
– stopping or slowing down what you are doing
– nodding
– opening your eyes a little wider (not too much direct eye contact – it embarrasses and threatens most self-conscious adolescents)
– leaning forward a little
– uttering the odd ‘mnhs’, ‘Ohs’, ‘Ahs’ or ‘Really’s!’
– smiling (appropriately and not patronizingly, of course!)
• If they dry up, resist the temptation to comment or speak for them – by coming in with your view or interpretation of what they are trying to say. (Yes, you will do it unless you consciously put the brakes on yourself!)
• Reflect back what you have heard – you could just repeat some of the words or phrases they have used or the last sentence. This may seem a very strange thing to do until you have tried it. In fact, it is a common listening technique used by all the professionals. Watch a good chat show host or good coach and you will see how it works. For example:
Teen: Well, of course I’m pissed off…I saw Sarah today coming out of school, didn’t I?
You: Sarah?
Teen: Yeah, and she just walked straight past me.
You: She didn’t say anything to you?
Teen: Yeah…last Saturday we were supposed to be going to the gig together. She said she’d be in the club that evening…like a real wally, I waited three hours for her.
You: Three hours!
• Try to feel what they might be feeling – sharing your own possible emotional reactions as if you were in their shoes sometimes helps them to express theirs more clearly. For example: ‘I guess you were pretty upset.’ / ‘I think I’d have been boiling mad.’
• Tune in to their body language – but don’t copy it exactly. If they are casually sitting down, sit down too, but you don’t have to put your feet on the table as well! Similarly, if they are talking loudly you don’t have to shout but at least don’t whisper.
• Check out that you are picking up the right clues – teenagers are not usually as articulate as we are, so noticing their body language is very important. With boys who tend to be less emotionally articulate than girls in many cultures, this can help them express feelings they may not even know they had. You can say, for example:
‘I notice you tapping your finger…I was wondering if I am irritating you’
or,
‘I saw you glance at your watch, are you in a hurry or do you feel we have just been going over old stuff again?’
• Stay comfortable with silences – they may need longer than you would need to think of what to say or summon up the courage to speak honestly. Use the silences to pick up feelings and observe body language – you will still be listening.
• To get them back on track, refer to phrases or words they have used – rather than directly telling them that they have digressed. For example:
You: ‘When you said just now you met her coming out of school, were you on your own?’
Teen: ‘No, there was a whole crowd of us…and that git Kevin started having a go at me…He…’.
• Summarize what you think they have said – do this from time to time and always at the end of important conversations. For example:
‘Hang on a minute, can I just check what I think you said? You’re still being bullied but you don’t want us to do anything about it.’
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