can say to immediately stop play. Some submissives may also use a caution word to indicate that play is approaching a physical or moral boundary, thus instructing the dominant to proceed in a different direction.
Couples can make a game of this essential BDSM prep work by exchanging sexual fantasies about what they want the BDSM experience to be like, including what they are both hoping will happen. This is a fun approach to answering some important questions and gaining vital insight into each other’s desires, expectations and limits. When snuggled in bed, partners can challenge each other to make up an erotic story about a BDSM scene. They can also write one out on the computer, creating a juicy piece of erotica that is as informative as it is arousing (see #46). It is essential that partners understand what appeals to both of them about domination and submission, as well as what doesn’t.
3. Delayed Sexual Gratification
Today, sexual pleasure is all about instant gratification. Quickies are rampant and online virtual sex is only a click away. BDSM takes a slower, sexier approach. It builds erotic anticipation, basks in each physical sensation and prolongs the sexual experience to intensify orgasmic release. To enjoy BDSM to its fullest, a dominant should delay the submissive’s climax—and his or her own climax—for as long as possible. This may or may not involve elements of orgasm control (see #28 and #33).
To this end, BDSM partners must be exceptionally tuned in to each other. The dominant must watch the submissive’s body language, listen to his or her moans and be aware of where he or she is in the arousal cycle. In this way, BDSM helps lovers become intimately connected and conscious of each other’s sexual experience and desires. Despite BDSM’s shady reputation, many couples find it a practice that is focused on sexual bonding as much as sexual bondage.
Specific ideas for delaying gratification, such as tickling (see #32), erotic torture (see #33) and so on, will be found throughout this book; however, these are a few general ideas:
Watch a favorite TV show in bed, limiting sexual activity such as kissing, fondling and even oral sex to the commercial breaks. Stop the moment the show comes back on.
Sleep in separate bedrooms for a night—not out of anger, but to increase arousal.
Agree in advance on how long to wait until orgasm. Two hours is not unreasonable, providing you have some ideas to pass the time. For example, thirty minutes of erotic massage and kissing, twenty minutes of oral sex, twenty minutes of full-body kissing, twenty minutes of sex toys and thirty minutes of intercourse, breaking when necessary to prolong the experience.
4. Behavioral Restraint & Mind Games
Perhaps you’ve heard it said that the mind is the largest sex organ. BDSM players know that to be true. Dominants will often use mental manipulation on submissives—the quintessential mind fuck—to exert control and build erotic anticipation. In fact, the power exchange between partners has to happen in the mind before it happens with the body. This brain game might involve the submissive asking the dominant’s permission to engage in non-sexual actions such as preparing a meal or making a phone call, whether such permission is required for a day or for longer. This strengthens the perception of a power imbalance and sets the stage for BDSM sexplay.
To bring a psychological dimension to BDSM sexplay and further exploit the control dynamics, the dominant may order the submissive to call him or her by a certain title (see #2) or perform certain chores. This is a great time to have him fix that leaky faucet. The dominant may also make the naked, restrained and blindfolded submissive wait lengthy periods of time before sexplay starts—this increases the submissive’s sense of expectation and dread, and allows both partners to immerse themselves in their roles.
5. Bedroom Bondage & Restraint
Physical restraint is the trademark of BDSM. It can be achieved via a variety of bondage gear, including wrist and ankle restraints, collars, chains, ropes, arm binders, leg-spreader bars and suspension equipment (see #29 and #34). These items bring intense visual impact to sexplay, as the dominant can bask in the novel sight of his or her partner in powerless and perhaps humiliating positions. At the same time, the submissive can savor the sense of being erotically exploited and sexually controlled. BDSM beginners may wish to invest in a bondage kit that comes with some of the basics, such as handcuffs, a whip or paddle and a blindfold.
An even better choice to begin your BDSM collection is to purchase a restraint system that discreetly fastens under the mattress. These usually come with adjustable straps and four restraints, for wrists and ankles. These systems accommodate a variety of restraint body positions, from spread-eagle to tightly bound limbs, which in turn allows for unlimited BDSM sexplay options. Under-the-bed restraint systems and “bedroom bondage kits” are available at larger or specialty sex shops, as well as many online sex shops.
To make a smart purchase, read a number of online user reviews before buying this or any sex toy or product. You should also check into the product’s composition and where it was manufactured. North American and European products are, generally speaking, made of the safest and highest quality materials. Online purchases often arrive more quickly than you might expect and are usually packaged discreetly.
If you don’t want to invest in a “professional” bedroom bondage system—or you’re too shy to face the knowing grin of a sex shop cashier—you can improvise a low-cost, under-the-bed restraint system as follows:
Purchase four lengths of cotton rope from a hardware store or home renovation center. If you have a king-sized bed, each length should be around eight feet long. Cotton rope is soft, flexible and least likely to cause severe rope burn, which is why ranchers usually use it for handling livestock. If it can hold a bucking bronco, it can hold a squirming submissive.
Secure the four ends of the rope together by tying them in a knot.
Remove the mattress from your bed and lay the rope on top of the bed frame with the knot square in the middle. Spread each length of rope to the four corners of the bed frame.
Replace the mattress.
Bring each of the four lengths of rope up over each corner of the mattress. The end of each rope can now be tied to the submissive’s wrists and ankles to secure him or her in the spread-eagle position.
This makeshift under-the-bed restraint system will do in a pinch; however, if you have the benefit of both a headboard and a footboard, it may be simpler to secure each length of rope to those to hold a submissive in the spread-eagle position.
While dominants can use anything from dungeon irons to the dog’s leash to bind a submissive, the fine art of Japanese rope bondage classes it up with the use of long, smooth ropes often made of hemp, jute or linen. These materials feel particularly good against bare skin. They are also very flexible and unlikely to cause rope burn; however, regular, higher-quality cotton rope will also work (see #5). The purpose of rope-bondage erotic art is multifold: restraint combined with erotic, intricate patterns that crisscross the submissive partner’s body to look as good as they feel.
Although