and hugging is pushing it way too far and will most likely be rejected.’
Little Things Mean a Lot
We know that teenagers have different priorities to us and it seems that although most of our time is spent thinking and worrying about them, they seem to spend less than a nanosecond thinking or worrying about us. They automatically assume and expect that as parents it is our job to house, feed, educate, clothe them and chauffeur them around. But it’s the little things we do for them which will get noticed, the small acts of kindness that in the larger context will leave your teen feeling reassured and confident of your love.
Send text messages of ‘Good luck’ for exams, and ‘Hope you’re feeling better’ if they feel off colour or low. Cook their favourite meal or buy their favourite treat after a success or a failure, however trivial it may seem. Help your daughter tidy her room and then surprise her by putting a vase of flowers in it. Make sure the outfit they plan to wear at the weekend is clean and ready. If you realize they’ve forgotten to take in their Science project, take it to school
Little things mean a lot
but, when you hand it over to them, rather than the lecture, ‘Why are you so disorganized, you’ve got to learn…’ simply say with a smile, ‘It’s a good job I love you so much.’
These small acts of kindness will be remembered and are appreciated even if it is not mentioned at the time and eventually your child will start to emulate them by doing little thoughtful things for you and other people – not immediately, you understand, but eventually.
Do remember to actually tell them you love them, but not to tie it to a condition, ‘I love you when you’re home on time,’ ‘I love you when you work hard.’ Always keep it unconditional, ‘I love you.’
attention
Although teenagers will start to want their privacy and spend more time with their friends, they still need their parents’ attention. Teenagers can still act up for attention if they are not receiving any and, just like young children, if they only ever receive attention when they misbehave, they will misbehave. So, if they start throwing their weight around or behaving in an immature, silly way, act just as you would with a toddler tantrum, and simply ignore it. Walk away, shut yourself in your room, never reward stupid behaviour with attention.
Give them attention by talking to them, discussing their interests and friends, or encouraging them to join you for a game, or ask to see them skateboard or show you their ball control, whatever it is they do well. And praise them when they are behaving well or simply just chilling out with their siblings without fighting or squabbling.
mutual respect
One of the biggest contributors to the problems parents have with their teenage children is the lack of respect they show (the parents, not the children!).
Parents constantly make demeaning comments within their earshot, such as, ‘Oh, he’s just going through a stage,’ ‘He’s just being a Kevin,’ ‘Teenagers, they’re all alike,’ ‘What does she know, she’s just a child?’ Any of these statements are likely to cause a severe breakdown in communication and so they should – how would you feel if someone said about you, ‘Oh, she’s just a housewife,’ ‘Typical, he’s only a father,’ ‘What does she know, she’s just a woman,’ ‘Pah, parents, they’re all the same’? You’d no doubt be hopping mad and you certainly wouldn’t respect the person who said it or anything else they said.
How can we possibly expect our growing children to show us any respect if we constantly disagree, nag, shout, moan, lecture and judge, not only to their faces but to others in their earshot?
Can you imagine if your boss complained about you to other members of staff and in front of everyone shouted at you how awful you were, adding that your attitude made him sick, he hated the way you dressed, but then what else should he expect from someone of your age? Would it make you want to:
1 Show enormous respect for your boss?
2 Try harder to please him?
3 Tell him to stick his job up his derriere?
Exactly, now had your boss taken you aside and talked his complaints through face to face, calmly, more diplomatically, and asked your opinion on how to improve things, don’t you think it would have made a difference?
When your children were toddlers they had their own ideas and opinions, so obviously ten to twelve years down the line they have a few more which, regardless of whether you may or may not agree with them, you must respect. Whether it’s clothes, music, friends or politics, they are entitled to form their own individual thoughts, even if you suspect they have been influenced by their friends, a particular celebrity, or a music video.
These years are the final push for teenagers towards becoming independent and leaving home to lead their own lives and it is a difficult time for many parents. Every aspect of their lives to date we have been heavily involved in, whether it was choosing the hand-embroidered smock dress or where they went to school, the parents’ choice prevailed. But now your child no longer thinks your input is needed (apart from monetary and chauffeuring) it’s hard to just sit back and let them make their own choices. But you simply must not try to quash or comment on every aspect of their lives.
The more we show our respect and trust in our teenagers the more they will reward us with their responsibility, and the more responsible they are the less stressed we are. They will soon realize that by showing us how responsible they are, they can have more freedom of choice.
The first time my son wanted to go to London on public transport I was concerned he was too young, but he said all his friends travelled on their own. So I relented, but asked that he ring me when he was just getting on the train, when he arrived in London and when he met up with his friends, and the same on his return. As he stuck to the agreement, it was fine and he was soon a regular commuter.
Explain to your teenagers that we want them to go and see their friends and have a good time, but our main concern is for their safety, and it is for that reason that we need to know where they are going and who they will be with.
And we do expect them to ask if they would like to go out or need a lift, with as much warning as possible.
Teenagers will rebel against lecturing, preaching, orders and being judged. Talk to them adult to adult. Even as adults they must realize that there are still rules and that there will be consequences if the rules are broken. For instance, if your teenager overspends on his mobile phone allowance, he will lose the use of it for a week. Although punishing teenagers can be tricky, if you start threatening an older teenager that they can’t go out at the weekend they can walk out. If you cut down their allowance they might steal, and physical punishment is bullying, rarely has any affect and can lead to a physical struggle.
This is why it is important for teenagers to be given responsibility for their own actions. For example, if they leave their bike outside instead of putting it in the garage, and it gets stolen, it won’t be replaced. As a parent you can be sympathetic, ‘What a shame, there are so many dishonest people around, I’ll get you up earlier for school as unfortunately you’ll have to walk now, darling,’ not the moaning, usual, ‘I told you not to leave it out, I told you this would happen, now I’m going to have to get another one, do you think I’m made of money?’
Sam: ‘I do understand why parents get worried, but most times I wanted to do something that my parents were worried about, I would point out that I keep out of trouble and I am responsible. Sometimes I say, “Mum, you know you can trust me,” because she