should ask if they would like a soft drink or a cup of tea and talk to them until their parents return, not leave them on their own whilst they return to the TV.
Explain to your teens how important it is to show an interest in the person they are talking to and not just talk about themselves. It is also worth mentioning that at parties, however boring the person is they are talking to, they must keep eye contact and not let their eyes wander around looking for someone more interesting. To extricate themselves from the ‘party bore’ (which is usually the person who has nothing to say or only talks about themselves or their pet subject) rather than just walk off, they should politely say, with a smile, how enjoyable it was to talk to them and that they hope to see them later (not adding that this will preferably be from a distance).
How Teenagers Should Respect Their Friends
There is no time more important than adolescence for your teens to have friends. Teenage friends have tremendous influence over each other; they are like a halfway house between parents and being completely independent and replace parents in many areas. They discuss everything with their friends and look to their friends for approval, support and loyalty. Adolescents think alike, feel alike and they understand what each is going through. Friends don’t stand in judgement as some parents do; they allow their friends just to be themselves. And teenagers need someone to share their innermost thoughts, feelings and anxieties with.
Thirteen and fourteen year olds crave popularity at school and acceptance by their circle of friends. Girls’ relationships with their girlfriends are very emotional and that is the reason they can become so nasty and jealous. But this stage usually passes by the time they are fifteen and they settle into more relaxed, respectful relationships.
If your teenager seems worried about a friend of theirs, try and get them to discuss it with you and offer some helpful advice. If there is a suspicion that the friend has a problem with drugs or alcohol, suggest ways in which your teenager can help and remind them that ignoring the problem is never helping.
Teenagers tend to be very loyal to each other but if your child starts moaning to you about someone in particular, try and work out with your teen why that person is behaving in that way. After all, they are going to have a lifetime of meeting and working with people, so discussing why people behave the way they do is fairly interesting and sometimes quite intriguing.
How You Should Behave with Their Friends
Although teenagers may remark that other friend’s parents are ‘so cool’ or ‘legends’, or that youngish mothers who wear even…‘younger’ clothes look ‘hot’ or ‘fit’, what they actually want their own parents to be is ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ is wearing normal clothes, not trying to look too fashionable or too young or even worse, too trendy. ‘Normal’ is ordinary language, not trying to talk in da lingo of teenagers and not trying to act or speak hip in front of their friends.
Treat their friends with respect, be polite and friendly, don’t make embarrassing comments or criticize and don’t reveal any information that your teenagers may have told you about them or ask any embarrassing questions. And don’t disclose anything that you have been told about anyone else by your teenagers to your friends.
As for your own children, never say anything to their friends about an incident relating to them, their behaviour, anything they said about anyone else or anything that could be construed as embarrassing. Another ‘no-no’ is to put your children down in front of their friends, for instance, ‘I wish you could talk some sense into Billy, I certainly can’t get through to him.’ Or ‘I don’t know why Billy can’t have his hair the same length as yours instead of all over his face.’ Comments like these will not only annoy and upset your own child but embarrass their friend.
You need to gain your teenager’s trust that you can be amongst their friends and neither do nor say anything embarrassing. And don’t be surprised when your teenagers don’t want to be seen in public with you. It’s not personal.
In my late teens a good friend of mine was distraught that her boyfriend had left her and the mere mention of his name would set her off in floods of tears. As she was coming to our home for supper I primed my parents not to say anything about it to her, but to talk of other things. They both guaranteed they wouldn’t mention it. As soon as she arrived, the first thing my father said to her was, ‘Hello Nicky, where did it all go wrong, then?’
Another time when I was sixteen, a guy I had fancied for months finally asked me to dance at a nightclub and drove me home. In our drive he had just leaned over for the kiss I had dreamt about for months when my father started flashing the outside light, then appeared in his pyjamas beckoning for me to go in. I was so embarrassed I could have died. I stormed past him and he seemed genuinely surprised that I was angry. Fathers!
Having Their Friends Around to Your Home
If you work at having a good relationship with your teenagers, they are more likely to bring their friends home. Actively encourage this so that you get to know your teenager’s friends, and when your children are at your home with their friends, you know exactly where they are and with whom (two big worries out of the way!).
However, don’t be surprised if when you first suggest they have some friends over they may be a bit hesitant because they don’t want to be embarrassed (by you) and they still want to appear cool, so before they come around it’s best to talk to your teenager about the visit to avoid any pitfalls. Don’t forget, as this is your home and your domain, when your teenager has friends over, you will be the one doing most of the compromising.
First, explain to your teen what you would expect. Point out where their friends can put their coats and shoes (you may be a parent who doesn’t want six pairs of size 10 trainers on your front doormat), that you would like to meet the friends, so before they disappear into a room they could pass by the kitchen to be introduced. Explain that you do not want to hear foul language emanating from their room which should be enough of a warning to make sure your teen keeps his or her friends under control.
WATCHING TV, CHILLING OUT
Whether they are going to watch TV or just chill out and listen to music, allocate a room for them, perhaps your teenager’s bedroom if it’s big enough or, if you’re feeling generous, the sitting room. If it’s going to be the bedroom, help your teenager pick up the clothes off the floor and give them some extra cushions or pillows to make it more comfortable for everyone.
Reassure them that you will not just barge in to the room, and that if you need to speak to them you will knock and wait, so under no circumstances will they lock their door. Discuss how loud they can have their music which will be acceptable to all. Explain to younger children that their older sibling will be having friends over and they can say hello, but they are to leave them in peace, and suggest that you can do something together.
FOOD AND DRINK
Tell your teen that you will supply some pizza/sandwiches/snacks and drinks.
Depending on their ages you may like to offer low-alcohol or normal beer. If they are going to have plates, glasses or mugs in the room, simply ask your teen if they would be kind enough to put them in the kitchen by the sink or in the dishwasher before they go. Make sure the waste bin is empty and tell your teen to make sure everyone puts their empty cans, crisp and snack wrappers in it. As it’s your home, you may certainly insist on a smoking or alcohol ban in or out of your property.
When the friends arrive and come to say, ‘Hello,’ shake their hands and be welcoming, do not say anything to embarrass or demean your teenagers or their friends, as this is a sure-fire way of them never inviting anyone back again.
If, for any reason, you are unhappy once they are in the house, for instance the music is much louder than you agreed or you can hear swearing, knock on the door and ask for your teen to come