you love her less.
RELATING TO YOUR BABY
If you’re finding it hard to relate to your baby:
Give it time … some relationships are slower than others, that’s all
Remember that you cannot ‘spoil’ a new baby. If it’s fear of indulging her that’s holding you back, give in. Allow yourself to cuddle and kiss her as much as you want
Share your worries with your partner, a friend or a relative. Talk it through as much as you can
The birth of your baby may have stirred up unpleasant memories or worries about your own childhood. If this is the case, it is worth telling your GP that you’d like to talk to someone about this
Trust your own instincts – if you feel there’s something wrong with your baby or you, keep asking for professional help until you get it.
Such vicious emotional cycles are sometimes easy to get into in the first few weeks of a baby’s life and hard to break out of again. The best thing to do if you’re beginning to feel like this is to tell someone about it: your midwife, your GP, your health visitor, a friend, your mum … Getting your feelings out into the open is often the first positive step we can take in admitting how we feel and then dealing with it, as Ingrid discovered for herself: ‘I could have gone on pretending everything was alright. After all, the house was immaculate, Rosie was obviously well cared for, and I had this smile plastered on my face every time the doorbell rang and someone came visiting. I think I was worried that no one would believe me if I said I felt there was something wrong. But in the end all I had to do was mention to my GP that I wasn’t feeling right and he said, “Oh, we’ll send one of the community nurses round to have a chat with you.” And she was round the next day. And said she’d come back in a couple of days. Just knowing that someone was going to come, who was interested in me, interested in how I was feeling, and wasn’t just going to ask questions about the baby all the time, made all the difference. I knew I’d get time to talk about me, and that’s what I needed.’
IT CAN TAKE time for love to grow between you and your baby, just as it takes time for love to grow between any two people. Once you realise that this is not unusual, you may be half-way to feeling better.
WHEN THINGS AREN’T AS YOU EXPECTED
Special care
IF YOUR BABY arrives early, or is poorly just after the delivery, you may find that much of the responsibility for day-to-day care is taken out of your hands, especially if she needs to be looked after in the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU).
If your baby is in an incubator, it can be a very scary experience. Kay found it hard to relate to her premature baby at first: ‘I gave birth under anaesthetic on the Monday afternoon at 2.34pm when he was at 32 weeks’ gestation, and he was taken straight off to the SCBU. A few hours later, when I was coming round, the nurses gave me a Polaroid of him. I thought, “Oh, well, they’re looking after him there much better than I ever could here.” And I wanted to go back to sleep. My throat was very sore – they say that sometimes happens after a general anaesthetic – and all I could think about was having drinks of cool water to try to stop it burning. The rest of the time, I was very fuzzy. By Tuesday lunchtime, the catheter had been removed and, with the aid of the wonderful suppositories that they used for pain relief, I was able to shuffle down, very slow and careful, to see him. He looked very odd, all old and just-born at the same time, very cross and very winkled and slightly bluey-pink. After three days, they put some clothes on him. At one-week-old he moved into a cot with a lid. Then they started talking about when I could take him home and I started to panic. I still didn’t feel like he was my baby, and we still didn’t have a name for him.’
Susanne wasn’t sure throughout her pregnancy how well her baby would be: ‘Perhaps because there had been bleeding in the pregnancy, I had kept my emotional distance from this baby. I wasn’t going to believe the trouble was over till it was over. Even when she was born, I still found it hard to let myself get close to her. She was being looked after by so many different people and they all seemed to know much better than I did how she was doing from day to day.’
Your baby may need to go into special care if she is:
Premature – usually if she has arrived before 34 weeks
Small – weighing under 41b
Having breathing difficulties or has other medical problems.
IT MAY BE impossible at first for medical staff to answer questions on quite what is the matter with your baby if he’s been whisked off to the SCBU. All they may be able to say is that he’s not breathing well, or had the umbilical cord around his neck, but they’ll let you know – trust them. Whether your baby is admitted to the SCBU for treatment or simply for observation, you will be kept informed of progress and developments every step of the way.
It can be very comforting, if your baby is taken to the SCBU immediately after delivery, for your birth partner to go up to the Unit to see your baby settled and report back to you in detail. You will be able to visit as soon as your own physical care has been sorted out.
Kangaroo care for premature babies
THE REASON THAT premature babies are looked after in incubators is that early babies are often unable to maintain a steady body temperature. An incubator provides an environment where the temperature can be kept stable easily. Now, a new method of caring, called kangaroo care, is being tried out by some neonatal units.
Babies are placed in skin-to-skin contact with their mother, against their mother’s chest, and covered with a blanket. The baby is thus close to her parent, and the mother, it has been found, is so in tune with her infant that her own skin temperature rises and falls to keep the baby’s stable. Another advantage of this form of care is that breastfeeding is easier and it encourages more women to breastfeed successfully. So, if your baby needs special care, perhaps it is worth asking the staff if anyone with an interest in kangaroo care would be willing to let you have a go. While it isn’t something that everyone will want to try, as some mothers feel much happier if their infant remains in the care of technology, for some mothers – and indeed fathers – it will be a golden opportunity to get closer to their baby sooner than they could otherwise have hoped for.
Special babies
SOMETIMES, either immediately at the birth, or in the first few days after the birth, some parents are faced with the devastating news that their child isn’t the 100% healthy being they had hoped for. There may be an illness, a disability or a learning disorder, something that won’t just disappear in a few days.
Bridget’s daughter, Lois, had a cleft lip and palate: ‘It sounds awful, but I didn’t even know what this was. I’d never seen it before. John hadn’t, either, so we thought it was something dreadful, and that she’d never be normal.’
PART OF THE insidious nature of many genetically transmitted diseases, like cystic fibrosis (CF), is that one or both parents can be a carrier of the disease and not know it. It can pass undetected from generation to generation, and only when two carriers of the defective gene have a child does the disease come to light. Vicky’s son, Anthony, was diagnosed at birth: ‘I was lucky in a way because Anthony was born with a bowel blockage, which is one of the indications of CF, so he was diagnosed early. We knew what we were dealing with right from the start.’
FOR OTHER parents, the illness or the diagnosis are more uncertain.
The doctors didn’t diagnose Mary’s daughter Katie at first: ‘They went out and told Michael, who was waiting in the corridor, that we had a little girl and everything was fine, so of course, he couldn’t wait, didn’t even wait for me to come out of theatre, he went off and called his mum and my mum, and other people who had been waiting to hear the news, and it was only the next day that they came back to us and said things weren’t so good after all. Well, we’d already