and others will not. Why spend time worrying about those who don’t? If she declines, does this mean that you are a worthless slug—or that she just missed a lifetime opportunity? (Poor girl!) And if she says, “yes,” you’ll have a whole new set of challenges.
I learned to speak as one learns to skate or cycle— by doggedly making a fool of myself until I got used to it. —George Bernard Shaw
In the words of Michael Jordan, “We make zero percent of the shots we don’t take.” So take the shot; risk the failure and aim for success. Then, whatever happens, you’re in the game. And that’s what living on purpose is all about.
Personal Applications
Many of us fear failure without realizing that we make little mistakes and tiny failures each day, in the process of living and learning. We drop things, fail to find something we’re looking for, say or do something we could have done better.
We have also experienced larger, more noticeable mistakes or failures that seem to have bigger consequences. But how can we know for certain that these failures aren’t blessings in disguise, leading us to greater accomplishment?
List five mistakes (no matter how small) that you made yesterday or today.
List three bigger mistakes or failures you have experienced.
What have you learned from each mistake or failure that makes it more likely to succeed next time you face a similar situation?
Some of us do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Intelligence allows for making new mistakes and learning from them, instead of repeating the old ones. The more we learn, the more adaptable we become and the fewer mistakes we repeat. Learning requires change; change involves losing face; losing face means dying to the old; dying to the old gives birth to the new. Nothing really changes until we do.
Q: You once wrote that we “subconsciously train others how to treat us, via messages we send through body language, tone of voice, and other subtle cues and behaviors.” This strikes me as true, yet difficult to grasp. Could you elaborate on these subtle cues and how we sabotage ourselves with repeated failures without noticing how we’re doing it?
A: Because our attention is often distracted, obscured, or lost in thought, we fail to notice many things. That is why the ability to pay attention to what is arising in any given moment—to our actions and their results—is one of the basic tenets of living on purpose. Failures and unwanted outcomes serve to generate new behavior and different approaches. The only real failure is the failure to learn from our mistakes. As the old saying goes, “Awareness of a problem is half the solution.” Until we become aware of actions, cues, and messages that were previously unnoticed, we repeat the old patterns. All of us have experienced this in ways as simple as trying to hit a baseball or as complex as the failure of multiple marriages.
The wise learn from adversity; the foolish repeat it. —Anonymous
Notice how you move, and the tone and timbre of your voice, in various situations—especially stressful ones, where most of us tend to “go unconscious”—like when you have an emotional confrontation, or when you meet new people (and instantly forget their names). For example, I could be unaware that I bit my lip and frowned whenever I met someone for the first time. I might just be concentrating, but others may read my expression as unfriendly. Or, if I ask someone for a date by looking down at the floor and saying, “You wouldn’t want to go out with me sometime, would you?” I would be less likely to receive a “yes” than if I made eye contact, smiled, and changed my words to, “I’d love to take you to dinner Friday night—would eight o’clock work for you?”
Sometimes we don’t know what we did to contribute to an unwanted outcome, but we notice the result—and we vow to do something different next time. But different from what? Again, we return to the vital importance of awareness—paying attention. But suppose it’s not our behavior at all—suppose we ask someone out who doesn’t like the color of our hair or eyes or skin? Whatever the circumstance, if we can get honest feedback, then we learn the lesson—and won’t need to repeat it.
Few of us consciously intend to undermine our relationships or careers. Yet if we remain unaware of subtle cues, such as body language or tone of voice, failures tend to repeat themselves. By paying attention to our words, tone, and actions— and by noticing and learning from other people’s responses to what we say or do—we develop our talent to achieve a rapport. And by making what was subconscious fully conscious, we improve our batting average in life. No longer needing to repeat the same old lessons, we can go on to new ones. We attain more of what we desire. This is why paying attention—shining the light of awareness into nooks and crannies that once went unnoticed—is a primary skill in purposeful living. Yet it doesn’t serve to become too self-reflective, always wondering or second-guessing ourselves over every gesture.
It doesn’t take a big brain to figure out that it’s three strikes and you’re out. —Red Smith
Stay aware, but stay alive. Go out and make mistakes and learn from them. It may be true that the unexamined life isn’t worth living—but neither is the unlived life worth examining.
Q: I have been divorced twice—and my current relationship is struggling. I recently agreed to reconcile after a year’s separation. I know that you were once divorced but now have a good marriage of more than twenty-five years. Can you tell me what a successful marriage might look like?
A: Most couples who stay together for more than twenty-five years would probably agree that marriage is a humbling school of self-knowledge, whose lessons reappear until we learn them. We enter a marriage carrying the baggage of our eccentricities and expectations. If our expectations are idealistic, we’re soon disappointed. We also discover that marriage provides a constant demand to grow up or get out. Some of us choose the latter option, trading one partner’s irritating traits for someone with a new set of irritating traits. We end up repeating the same lesson until we finally commit to a relationship, for better or worse. Since commitment is not the same as masochism, most healthy people draw the line at substance abuse, violence, other criminal behavior, or infidelity. The rest we work out.
If you keep on doing the same thing you keep on getting the same results. —Anonymous
Successful marriages are built with the bricks of friendship, communication, honesty, loyalty, and on occasion, putting our partner’s needs and wishes before our own. But nowhere is perfection a part of the equation. If we try to become one another’s therapists, teachers, or taskmasters—if we create a competition or continuous struggle to improve our partner (“If only s/he would stop doing X or start doing more Y”)—marriage becomes war.
We can only control our own behavior. To develop a greater talent for relationship, start by admitting to yourself (and your partner) that you can indeed be self-centered and immature at times, and that you don’t always have a clear sense of how to be a good partner. Confess all this without expectations that your partner will reciprocate. Say “thank you” and “I’m sorry” at least once each day (and notice how many opportunities you have to do both). Think more in terms of “we” instead of “I.” Be prepared to support your partner more and defend yourself less. Be willing to lose an argument now and then. Build a home together by rebuilding your friendship.
Maybe