Living on Purpose. Dan Millman

mutual growth and transformation. My wife isn’t always easy to live with—she has traits that drive me crazy, and we have loud disagreements at times. But those are just passing storms. And she has also become home, hearth, and safe harbor to me. My greatest critic is my most loving supporter. And I am hers. It’s all part of the dance.

       Personal Applications

      Mistakes are part of life, but intelligence means not repeating the same mistakes over and over—while expecting different results. Recurring problems in our lives point to lessons not yet learned. We know we’ve learned a lesson when our actions change. Insights are powerless without behavioral change.

      • List any repeating patterns you have experienced in the present or the past in one or more of the following areas:

       Relationships

       Work

       Health

       Finances

      • What lessons have you learned?

      • What change(s) might you make or have you made?

      

       If we miss life’s whispered teachings, they return as wakeup calls, and when God calls, we had better pick up the phone. Adversity is one way the universe gets our attention. Physical pain calls us to balance our body. Emotional suffering reveals to us our illusions and resistance. Mental suffering reveals the healing power of the present. Some pain is inevitable, But as we learn to listen to life’s gentle lessons, suffering dissolves.

      Q: Recently, I doubted my love for my long-time boyfriend and I slept with a co-worker. I have since realized that I love my boyfriend more strongly and deeply than I knew. I will never doubt it again. If I ever told my boyfriend about this infidelity, he would never speak to me again. He had a terrible childhood and was abandoned by his family. What do you advise? Move on and forgive myself, or confess and live a life without my soul mate?

      A: Every mistake reveals something about ourselves and the nature of reality. We can’t undo our errors, but we can learn from them. If we don’t learn, the lessons get harder. Regretting our mistake is not the same as learning the lesson. You write that you slept with a co-worker because you “doubted” the love you had for your boyfriend, and that you have since discovered a deeper love for him than you knew. You also state that you will never doubt your love again. Is this realistic? Even in the best relationships, doubts arise. In that case, what will you do? Whether or not you tell your boyfriend, be honest with yourself: Many people doubt their love at times, yet maintain their fidelity. You did not.

      If you tell your boyfriend what occurred, offer no explanations or excuses; take full responsibility. Express your regret it, share what you have learned and that you never intend for it to happen again. He may or may not find it in his heart to forgive you; your relationship may not survive the revelation. If you do stay together, it will take time to earn back his trust. So consider carefully whether it serves any useful purpose to unburden yourself. You want to do the right thing, but right for whom? The most caring thing may be to put it behind you (but not deny or forget it), and to reforge your bond based on greater strength and fidelity. As painful as your current situation may seem, it is actually one of the easy lessons. At least you made this mistake, and felt the results, before you took formal marriage vows of fidelity in front of God, friends, and family.

      Illness is the most heeded of doctors; to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; we obey pain. —Marcel Proust

      In the school of daily life, we are not here to be perfect, but to live and learn, to fall and to rise again—to evolve and strive toward our highest potential. May this painful experience become a blessing that transforms your life.

      Good advice often works best when preceded by a bad scare. —English proverb

      Q: My girlfriend left me two months ago. I constantly think of her, while at work, or at the gym, or even on a date. I feel a connection with her that I cannot sever. She has moved on but confesses to me that she still misses me and thinks of me. How do you deal with the pain of a broken heart?

      A: The pain of a broken heart will fade in time, as all emotions do. With a physical injury, you experience the initial pain, and then the healing begins. The same is true in losing a relationship. But if you continue to poke an injury or reopen a wound, it takes much longer to heal. Your continued contact, and her mixed messages, only prolongs your pain. If you both want to be together, then work it out; if not, avoid any further contact. A Zen proverb advises, “If you sit, sit; if you stand, stand; but don’t wobble!”