true identity. What had been unconscious now becomes conscious. Outer Child’s cover has been blown and you take control of your life’s mission. In the course of reading this book you’ll learn how to lovingly and effectively deal with the emotional source of Outer Child’s power—your primal needs and neglected feelings buried underneath maladaptive defense mechanisms. You will heal from the inside out. Deconstructing your Outer Child defenses allows you, the self-nurturing Adult, to finally take command and rechannel your emotional energy constructively.
AWARENESS IS THE FIRST STEP
This book will take you through a life-changing program of self-discovery. In the process you will own up to behavioral traits most people prefer to deny—traits that have formed an invisible infrastructure of self-sabotage deep within your personality. This distortion-free view of your psyche also gives you an edge. You’ll gain a foothold on your impulses, attitudes, and habits, which elevates you above most others, who remain in a haze of their own denial and self-manipulation.
Awareness is only the first step. The Outer Child program will take you beyond insight to action, into taking behavioral steps to overhaul your old patterns and at last move your life forward.
The Outer Child program is a three-pronged one. In Part One, I explain the Outer Child framework and help you take a personal inventory of your own Outer Child tendencies. This is the start of a life-changing process of self-discovery and self-mastery—a process that will deepen and unfold as you make your way through the book.
In Part Two, I introduce the exercise program that helps to resolve the underlying source of your self-sabotage—feelings and needs that have been long neglected within you.
In Part Three, I show you how to apply the exercises to each of the pressing issues in your life. You discover that Outer Child is not just an awareness tool, it is an action plan; with it you can achieve your goals.
Taken together, these steps have catapulted the forward growth of my clients, workshop participants, and myself—and they will do the same for you. Let’s get started!
Three Parts of the Personality
The concept of the Outer Child isn’t something that emerged wholly formed out of nowhere for me. In fact, it owes a lot to Sigmund Freud, whose groundbreaking three-part model of human consciousness provides a structure for psychotherapy. In Freud’s theory, the Id represents our innate biological drives—such as the drives for pleasure and survival. It’s the mammal within us—the ape or squirrel within us that’s driven to procreate, nurture our young, fight threats, and avoid pain. At the other end of the spectrum is the rule-driven Superego, the part of us that upholds morals, social conventions, and laws essential to co-existing with other human beings. Between them is the mediating Ego, which (hopefully) keeps the Id’s urges in check—unless it’s safe or appropriate to express them.
Freud formulated his revolutionary Id/Ego/Superego triumvirate to explain the dynamics of neurosis—a malady caused by the self-blaming, self-shaming, and repressing we do when we are burdened with guilt over the Id’s urges and desires. Clinicians who practice Freudian therapy believe that gaining deeper emotional insight into internal struggles is a catalyst for change. In other words that by airing conflicts between the Id and Superego, by bringing them out of the subconscious and experiencing emotional catharsis, change will come. The trouble is (as we’ve seen over the century since Freud first invited a patient to recline on a Viennese couch), you can remain in psychoanalysis for many years, growing ever more self-aware, without any discernable change in behavior.
In Freud’s time, science was not advanced enough to know about the inner workings of the emotional brain structures, but it is today. Recent evidence from neuroscience makes it possible, I think, to extend Freud’s theory by identifying a new component of the psyche.
Our mammalian urges, as I see it, aren’t the problem; they are biological givens with which we all must contend by learning to accommodate and modulate their expression. It is when we act out these urges in impulsive, annoying ways that the problem arises. Freud did not create a separate construct for this acting-out component, but I now believe that it’s essential to do so in order to effectively change self-sabotaging behaviors. And that’s how the concept of Outer Child was born.
The reason I believe we’ve had so little success changing our unconsciously driven behaviors in the past is that we didn’t know enough about the mechanism that generates their persistence within our personalities—within our brain structures—a mechanism involved in habit formation and learned behaviors. These behaviors are automatic, mediated by our autonomic nervous system rather than under cerebral control. That’s why emotional catharsis alone isn’t sufficient to stop them—and neither can conscious will. Fortunately you won’t need iron willpower or searing insight into your childhood (most of us have gaping holes in our childhood memories anyway) to overcome your self-defeating patterns. More on that in Part Two.
This chapter starts you on a journey of growth and discovery by exploring a new three-part concept of personality, the Outer Child framework. Through the course of the book you’ll learn to get all three moving parts of your psyche working together—Inner Child, Outer Child, and Adult Self. It’s important to understand that these are psychological components we all have. This isn’t about being wounded; they just are. Early wounds, however—and we all have some of these—cause these three selves to act out of turn or to co-exist uncomfortably. That discomfort, this walking out of step, is what causes us all to sabotage our own best interests and to fail ourselves.
LITTLE YOU
The Inner Child goes by many names in therapeutic circles—Child Within, Emotional Core, Child Self, Innermost Self, Little You, to name a few. Your Inner Child represents your pure emotional essence, not your behavior. Inner Child consists solely of feelings and needs. When you are sad, it is the defenseless, innocent Inner Child tucked within you who is sad. When you are mad, it is your Child Within who is upset about something. When you are joyful, it is your Child Self feeling happy and excited. When you are tired, hungry, cranky, or bored, it is Little You feeling these things. When you are emotionally eating, it is your Emotional Core that is craving to be soothed or fulfilled. The obtrusive Outer, not the innocent Inner, is the one busily stuffing the feelings with substitute pleasures, like food. When you are eagerly looking forward to something—a holiday, perhaps—it is Little You whose childlike awe and wonder are at play. And when you can hardly wait, it is your Inner Child feeling expectant.
You may already be well acquainted with your Inner Child. There are many self-help books, workshops, and therapy practices that focus almost exclusively on this concept. Some of you have been doing “Inner Child work”—a technique involving written or spoken dialogues of love and acceptance with your Inner Child.
The Inner Child concept was created to help nurture and love yourself—to become your own loving parent. But like Freudian therapy, it’s hard to demonstrate that this concept alone can effectively help us change unwanted behaviors. While the Inner Child concept helps us connect with the source of deep-seated feelings, there is another step we need to take to overcome the acting-out behaviors triggered by those feelings—and that is where the Outer Child exercises come in.
THE MISSING LINK
Both your Inner Child and your Outer Child developed during childhood—first Inner Child when you were a just a wee thing, experiencing life purely through your needs, instincts, and feelings. Outer Child emerged later, as you developed language, motor, and other skills