compulsions, personality tendencies, impulsive behaviors, habits, quirks, and knee-jerk reactions. You’ll deal with these behaviors as part of an interrelated phenomenon that acts in response to, but is separate from, your internal needs, urges, drives, and feelings. The latter you can finally validate, cherish, and love. In fact, you’ll find that developing a strong emotional connection to your Inner Child is what prevents Outer from galloping away with your life’s mission.
Reading this chapter may already have given you a few ideas about your own Outer Child’s more prominent traits. In the next chapter I’ll introduce you to tools for taking an inventory of them—including some of the more difficult to observe behaviors and the emotional triggers that set them in motion. You will find that in taking your Outer Child inventory, what would normally take hours of morose soul-searching is an easy empowering task that propels you forward.
Years ago, when I was writing my first book on abandonment I arranged meetings with my colleague and friend Peter Yelton to engage his fertile mind. I’d been searching for ways to help people overcome the deeply entrenched patterns that arise from unresolved abandonment and other experiences. Peter and I were groping for a word, a phrase, a concept to target those repetitive behaviors that interfere in people’s lives—not the emotional wounds, but the outward manifestations of those wounds, the behavioral warts and scars and habits that show on the outside. “Not the Inner Child,” we said aloud to each other, “but the . . . Outer Child!”
Naming the concept led to a fireworks display of new insights. As sparks of self-illumination came raining down on us, we were inspired to offer up our own worst traits to each other. Our revelations were alternately funny and shocking, and soon we were trying to outdo each other with the outrageousness of our Outer Child tendencies. Along the way we saw that the concept encapsulated a new level of insight about how our defense mechanisms and unconscious motivations function as a kind of embodied presence within the self, dividing us against ourselves. Peter and I could both see that here was an awareness tool with enough oomph to dismantle the whole infrastructure of self-sabotage.
I brought the Outer Child concept to one of my workshops as a test and saw it elicit the same explosions of insights for others, breaking through denial and opening the door for change.
I wish I could magically transport you to one of my workshops. Doing Outer Child work in a group is always such raucous, good fun. It’s everyone’s favorite activity—including mine. As soon as I begin explaining the concept, the group lights up. I post a list of Outer Child characteristics to help people get a sense of the scope and diversity of Outer’s machinations—how multifaceted, devious, and subtle its behaviors can be. After reviewing the list, people are quick to join in, topping one another with the outlandishness of their own Outer Child traits. The atmosphere in workshops is lighthearted, yet the depth of self-disclosure is unprecedented. People admit things to one another (even in larger groups) they have never before admitted to themselves or anyone else.
Let’s create a reader’s workshop right here. You already have some idea about what your own Outer Child is up to, at least its more prominent behaviors. Below I’ll present a list of some of Outer’s common tendencies and later look at what might be going on emotionally (within your Inner Child) to trigger them.
The idea is to take a sideways glance at your own Outer Child’s behaviors. By the way, you’ll want to situate your Adult Self squarely in the driver’s seat, because Outer Children hate this kind of assessment—they’re by nature extremely defensive—so we’d rather not have any at this party.
REMIND YOU OF ANYONE?
Remember that no one’s keeping score here; we’re just taking a broad look at the remarkable and sometimes ridiculous things we do to get in our own way. You’re most likely to see your Outer Child acting out when your Inner Child is tired, cranky, or stressed. Any number of triggers can arouse Outer’s antics, including having an argument with a friend, losing your keys, or feeling overworked. People with extremely stressful, traumatic childhoods tend to have easily stressed-out Inner Children and their Outer Children use this as license to act out.
Ready? Have a quick read through the list below and see if you don’t find a few of these traits familiar. Outer Child . . .
Is excessive
Outer is the addict, the alcoholic, the one who runs at the mouth and does everything to extreme.
Outer has a hole in its pocket when it comes to either anger or money. Outer must spend.
Outer loves chocolate and convinces you that bingeing on it is good for your heart. Likewise with wine.
Outer is the hidden “Chuckie” of the personality. Even the nicest people we know overreact like a 10-year-old with a full-blown conduct disorder (perhaps not in public) when they feel even slightly rejected, dismissed, abandoned.
Is a drama queen
Outer thrives on crisis and chaos.
Outer enjoys playing the victim; that is, when not playing the martyr.
Outer underreacts when a friend steps on your toes, pretending to be gracious—“Oh, that’s all right”—but holds on to resentment for decades.
Outer uses crying as a manipulation. But this ploy is so automatic, primitive, and unconscious, if you call Outer on it, it cries louder.
Outer provokes anger in its subtle ways and then accuses the other person of being abusive.
Outer loves to play the injured party.
Outer acts submissive so it can seethe at being dominated.
Loves distraction
Outer makes huge messes that take forever to clean up. Outer distracts you from things you’re trying to get done.
Outer uses projection as a defense. Outer projects your shortcomings onto other people to keep the heat off of itself.
Outer is like Cleopatra: Queen of da Nile. In fact, denial is Outer’s favorite defense mechanism. If all else fails, just deny it.
Is uncompromising (for no good reason)
Outer is a fairness-junkie. It fights valiantly for what it considers fair. Outer has been known to commit injustices (or declare war) in the name of fairness.
Outer can be a perfectionist. Perfectionism, for Outer, is a form of bargaining: Outer is saying, “If I do this perfectly, I merit a reward.” Outer’s perfectionism contains a built-in vise grip; if you don’t get rewarded, Outer’s iron fist may protrude through its velvet glove.
Outer can be self-spiteful—make you miserable in order to punish someone else. For instance, Outer can keep you heartbroken forever just to prove the injustice of the breakup. As illogical, primitive, and totally self-defeating as you know this to be, Outer continues its spiteful siege against you.
Is completely devoted—to itself
Outer is devoted to its own self-interests. Outer is the self-centered part we all share; it’s just that some of us hide this selfish part better than others.
Outer is reactive rather than active or reflective. It is defensive rather than open to feedback, self-justifying rather than self-aware.
Loves the blame game
Outer specializes in blame. When Outer loses something, it blames it on one of your children.
Outer revels in taking other people’s inventory. It has a negative attraction to their faults. Outer happens to be especially