and Salib add: “It’s tricky for leaders to get this balance right, and emphasizing uniqueness too much can diminish employees’ sense of belonging. However, we found that altruism is one of the key attributes of leaders who can coax this balance out of their employees, almost across the board.”
An Art of Infinite Possibility
Our associations are unique, and they are potentially unlimited. Our minds are capable of linking any thought with any other thought. If you doubt this, try to find a word that cannot be linked to the word art. No matter how hard you search for an unrelatable word, you’ll discover that your mind can connect anything to anything else.
The exercise of finding unrelatable words is particularly fun when framed as a competition. For example, when a group of biochemists were challenged to think of a word that “could not, in any way, be related to art,” one clever PhD suggested that antidisestablishmentarianism couldn’t be linked to art. But another erudite member of the group pointed out that the word means “opposition to the disestablishment of orthodox churches,” which opposed, among other things, the practice of many popular arts. Someone else mentioned that the word antidisestablishmentarianism actually contains the letters of the word for art. Another person explained that you can automatically connect this or any other strange word with art as a member of that class of words you don’t normally associate with art.
Your mind can connect anything with anything else and can make a potentially infinite number of connections with any word you hear or read, but your way of associating, of making connections, is unique. This is good news if you are interested in creative thinking. If every individual has the capacity to generate unlimited associations, and each person has a unique way of doing it, then every group possesses vast potential for ideation.
When it comes to the art of connection, however, the implications are daunting, as the potential for misunderstanding in any communication is also unlimited. My mind is capable of making an unlimited number of associations with every single word that you say, and if your way of saying things and my way of hearing things is unique to each of us, it begins to seem amazing that we can communicate at all.
When we depend on words primarily, misunderstanding is to be expected. One reason that relationships seem to be degrading is that many people rely increasingly on text and email as their means of relating with others. But emoticons do not serve as effective substitutes for the body language, voice tonality, and eye contact that help us understand the context and meaning of words.
Even with the benefit of context, misunderstanding is pandemic. How many times have you had the experience of carefully explaining something to someone, watching him nod in apparent understanding, and seeing him do something entirely different from what you thought you’d agreed upon?
The Telephone Game
Much of our communication is reminiscent of the children’s game Telephone, which was a popular party activity when I was a child. I didn’t imagine then that I would employ it with groups of corporate executives many years later and that it would be a hilarious and memorable team-building activity that also illuminates a fundamental difficulty in communication.
The game works best with a group of eight or more people. It begins when the facilitator whispers a phrase into the ear of the first player, who then turns and whispers it into the ear of the next person, and so on. (The whisper should be soft enough so that only the intended recipient can hear the message.) After the message goes around, the last person to receive it states the message aloud. Invariably, the original phrase goes through so much distortion in the process of sharing that the final product is not only different from the original, but often hilariously so.
For example, in a recent session, a group of twelve bankers managed to turn “Robots randomly write regulatory rulebooks” into “Blue bots rewrite regular glory books on domes.” The game is amusing and highlights the extent to which our communication is subject to radical misunderstanding.
THE ILLUSION OF TRANSPARENCY
If you tapped out a familiar song like “Happy Birthday” or the national anthem on a table or even directly on a friend’s arm, how likely do you think it is that your friend can guess the tune you are tapping? In a dissertation entitled “Overconfidence in the Communication of Intent: Heard and Unheard Melodies,” Elizabeth Newton found that subjects believed that the song they tapped would be guessed correctly by their partners about half the time, but the study showed that the tune was guessed accurately in only 3 percent of trials.
Psychologists call this phenomenon the illusion of transparency. Since we think we know what we mean when we say something, we tend to imagine that it’s clear to others as well. But just as most people can’t decode the tune you tap for them, our potential for clear communication remains untapped when we assume that others understand what we intend to communicate.
The Grand Illusion
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
— ROBERT MCCLOSKEY, former U.S. State Department spokesman
What’s the single greatest problem in communication? The illusion that it has taken place successfully! The illusion is pandemic. Misunderstanding, predicated on inaccurate assumptions, is the default setting in human relationships.
Instead of assuming that you have effectively understood someone else or been understood yourself, you can minimize misunderstanding and build relationships more effectively by embracing humility.
Humility Is the Soul of Leadership
I stand here before you not as a prophet, but as a humble servant of you, the people.
— NELSON MANDELA (1918–2013), former president of South Africa, on February 11, 1990, the day of his release after twenty-seven years of imprisonment
If you are humble, then you will be more curious and open to learning the art of connection. You will be poised to enrich your life by building better relationships.
Humility is the catalyst of curiosity. Curiosity is the driver of continuous learning. Continuous learning is the key to developing the relationship-building skills every leader needs now. Give up assuming that you know what others are thinking and feeling. Assume that you don’t know and become curious to learn.
In a recent Harvard Business Review article, Jeanine Prime and Elizabeth Salib explain why today’s best leaders have to be humble: “In a global marketplace where problems are increasingly complex, no one person will ever have all the answers.” Reporting on a study of more than fifteen hundred global associates of multinational companies, they conclude that humility is a critical leadership factor and that it is especially important “for creating an environment where employees from different demographic backgrounds feel included.”
What are the specific behaviors associated with being perceived as a humble leader? The key elements include:
• encouraging dialogue instead of debate
• modeling curiosity by asking questions
• welcoming feedback
Prime and Salib conclude: “When leaders showcase their own personal growth, they legitimize the growth and learning of others; by admitting to their own imperfections, they make it okay for others to be fallible, too.”
Bill George, former CEO of Medtronic, a professor at Harvard Business School, and the author of Discover Your True North, agrees. He writes, “The finest leaders are keenly aware of their limitations and the importance of teams around them in creating their success.” George confesses