Ghosted and Breadcrumbed. Dr. Marni Feuerman

He won’t leave anything at my place.

       He won’t let me leave anything at his place.

       He has said he can’t stand “needy” women (which many of his exes seem to be).

       He says all his ex-girlfriends are crazy.

       He avoids affection or physical intimacy (except sex).

       He does not update his relationship status on social media.

       His mood can change at the drop of a hat.

       He avoids talking about deep or difficult topics.

       He evades questions about our future.

       He refuses any “relationship” talks or discussions about “us as a couple.”

       His view of relationships seems unrealistic or akin to romantic fantasy.

       He is selfish, self-centered, or self-absorbed.

       He is hypercritical or seemingly nitpicks at a lot of things.

       He has said outright that he fears commitment.

      Tune in to your gut feelings about the man you are dating or are in a relationship with. If you check off a few of the following statements, then, here again, it is likely you are with someone emotionally unavailable.

      I think and feel as if...

       I don’t know whether I am coming or going in this relationship.

       I don’t really know him.

       I don’t know where I stand with him.

       I am not appreciated.

       I am not important.

       I never seem to be on his mind.

       He brings out the worst in me.

       I am in a constant state of anxiety.

       I am manipulated or fooled by him.

       My self-esteem is plummeting.

       I am uncharacteristically suspicious or jealous.

       I am preoccupied with him and the relationship.

       I would get nothing from him if I didn’t push for it.

       I am the only one bringing up important topics to discuss.

       I am the only one who discusses our future together.

       I can be abandoned by him at any minute.

       I am last on his list of priorities.

       I must up the ante to get his attention.

       My gut is trying to tell me to move on.

      Sometimes, the signs are subtle. Let’s take a look at the example of Amanda and Sam. They were set up by friends. When they met, they hit it off right away. They had a lot in common, and there was a strong physical attraction. Their relationship followed an ordinary course in the beginning. Sam was consistent and always called when he said he would. There truly was no way to know that Sam was emotionally unavailable until several months into the relationship.

      It wasn’t a dramatic shift but a gradual one accompanied by a handful of red flags. For instance, after their first fight, Amanda was upset but thought she and Sam should discuss everything and try to resolve things. Sam wouldn’t talk to Amanda at all. He just refused to address it. Amanda became even more distressed at being shut out. After three days of stone-cold silence, he called her as if nothing had happened. She was perplexed but also relieved that he’d finally reached out, so she didn’t bring it up. But then it happened again. Amanda got shut out and was let back in only when Sam was ready.

      She also began to sense that Sam would talk about topics only on a superficial level. He never talked about his feelings. He would get evasive and uncomfortable when she would ask. Amanda realized that if she stayed with Sam, she would be doing all the emotional heavy lifting in their relationship. She asked him if he would go to a counselor with her to try to resolve this, because they were getting serious and she loved him. She was heartbroken that he refused and stated, “I am who I am. Do not try to change me.” Amanda made the painful but smart decision to break up with him because she knew she wanted to connect deeply with a partner. She also needed someone who would not abandon her after a fight or disagreement. Sam was a “straight-up avoider,” and Amanda stayed clearheaded enough to see the signs and tune in to her gut feelings.

      On the other end of the spectrum, the signs are much more apparent. Some women find themselves in a particularly hellish existence with a sociopath or a narcissist. These men go beyond emotional unavailability by also being emotionally abusive. Take Laura and Craig. Laura was kindhearted and caring but naive. She was swept off her feet by Craig in the beginning. A few months into their relationship, he began to get jealous and controlling. She constantly had to reassure him of her love and commitment. Sometimes, he would fly off the handle at her over small things.

      She began to question her sanity and would blame herself for upsetting him. He would go from loving to ice cold