with him, he would cry and say he would change, but it never lasted long. She really wanted to end the relationship but worried about hurting him and ended up feeling trapped. It took a friend, her family, and a therapist to help her find the strength to finally get out.
Emotional Unavailability versus Emotional Abuse
I’d like to be clear about what constitutes emotional unavailability and what constitutes emotional abuse. It can be a very fine line. Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names, or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance, or as if you are walking on eggshells all the time. This is the kind of abuse (also called mental abuse or psychological abuse) that can sneak up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship.
Psychological abuse occurs when one person in the relationship tries to control information available to the other person to manipulate his or her viewpoint or sense of reality. This abuse often contains strong, emotionally manipulative themes and threats intended to make the victim acquiesce. In addition, most abusive partners are skilled at convincing the victim that the abuse is his or her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened. If the abuse causes you to doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity, this means you are being “gaslighted.” Examples may range from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing you.
Abusers at times will throw you a bone, so to speak. I have heard too many times that a partner was “nice,” “complimentary,” “gave me a gift,” and so on, as if this should erase all the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse. In fact, it is rare for abusive relationships to not have these (often intense) moments of feeling good, excessively sincere apologies, or attempts to make up for the bad behavior. These moments can cause you to cling to the hope that the relationship will change, and the abuser knows this.
It’s important to remember that emotional abuse is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use your insecurities against you. Abusers are adept at convincing you that you do not deserve better treatment, or that they are treating you this way to “help” you. Some abusers even act charming in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private it’s a different story, which is baffling. Given that this abuse is cunning and hard to recognize, I have included a checklist that will help you more easily tell when it is occurring.
Emotional Abuse Checklist
If the man you are seeing displays even a handful of the following signs, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
If you now realize that you are in a relationship with someone abusive, I urge you to get out — with professional help if needed. You may feel that you love this person, but he does not love you or respect you. I assure you that, in time, you will get over this person if you break it off. You are worthy of a kind, loving, and respectful relationship.
If you recognize yourself in these descriptions and stories and are finding that you must face the reality of your situation — your entanglement with someone emotionally unavailable (or, worse, emotionally abusive) — you are in a decidedly tough spot. No one wants to let go when the feelings of lust or good chemistry have already taken hold. The following chapters will guide you to fully understand why and how you may have ended up in this situation now or repeatedly. They will also provide you with a road map to letting go and explain why doing so is vital.
This chapter is dedicated to the woman who has found herself in love with the quintessentially unavailable partner — the one already married. The affair may be an emotional affair or both a physical and an emotional one. An emotional affair is a relationship with someone married that is close and intimate but without physical contact. These often morph into full-blown physical affairs because usually there is undeniable chemistry between the two individuals. Quite often, a woman drawn into such a relationship had no intention of having an affair with someone married. If you have had such an affair, you might say that “it just happened.” Another scenario is that you did not even know he was married when you met. He put himself