to your ability to use specific skills to resolve conflict and express appreciation, affection, and compassion. Most prominently, this includes the ability to communicate both your positive and your negative emotions in ways that enhance your relationship. There is an art to sharing both your vulnerable and your loving feelings, while also being able to express your negative feelings in a way that preserves your connection. Relationship skillfulness also includes being able to openly receive your partner’s feelings — both the loving ones and the difficult ones.
| Score | |
| 1.I easily use “I statements.” | ______ |
| 2.I take responsibility for my part of the trouble. | ______ |
| 3.I’m empathetic when listening to others. | ______ |
| 4.I don’t seek out arguments or problems with the things people say or do (I don’t badger, provoke, or nag). | ______ |
| 5.I attempt to understand someone’s perspective before making judgments about their words or actions. | ______ |
| 6.I make an effort to repair my relationships when there is strife. | ______ |
| 7.I don’t think I’m always right, and I’m willing to admit that. | ______ |
| 8.I’m comfortable being vulnerable with people who are close to me. | ______ |
| 9.I set clear and healthy boundaries, not too rigid but not too loose. | ______ |
| 10.I know how to complain without criticizing. | ______ |
| 11.I’m able to forgive and apologize. | ______ |
| 12.I recognize nonverbal cues in others. | ______ |
| 13.I practice being an attuned listener, and I rarely interrupt others because I truly want to know what they have to say. | ______ |
| 14.I’m aware of how my body language and facial expressions may come across to others. | ______ |
| 15.I recognize when I’m getting defensive about something and consciously calm myself down, so I can have thoughtful and healthy conversations. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Care and Nourishment of Your Relationship
When you take the time to nourish and care for your relationship, you make it a priority to create time to talk, experience new adventures and pleasures, give gratitude and gestures of intimacy, and seek guidance from professionals when you encounter the inevitable bumps in the road.
| Score | |
| 1.My partner and I have similar values and respect the ones that are different in the other. | ______ |
| 2.Although we may have had nasty arguments in the past, we’ve learned from them and continue to discover more about how to argue in healthy, productive ways. | ______ |
| 3.I don’t let our disagreements get in the way of loving my partner. | ______ |
| 4.I want to treat and respond to my partner with the most loving and mature part of me. | ______ |
| 5.There are times that my partner discloses more (or less) than I do or can. I feel a little uncomfortable with it, but I also know we are different people and that it’s okay. | ______ |
| 6.I appreciate when my partner is honest with me, even if it’s not always what I want to hear. I know that my partner would only say negative things about our relationship if there were important problems we needed to repair. | ______ |
| 7.I recognize that communication about our issues needs to happen early on and be done in a productive way. I don’t build up resentment, “sweep it under the rug,” or resort to pettiness. | ______ |
| 8.We are affectionate: holding hands, kissing, and cuddling are a regular part of our relationship. | ______ |
| 9.I can count on my partner to usually listen and help me with my issues — my partner never turns me away without a justifiable reason and a promise to get back to me soon. | ______ |
| 10.I take time to honor our relationship daily, whether that’s giving my partner an amorous hug and/or kiss, saying a sincere “I love you,” performing an act of gratitude, intentionally reserving time in my schedule to devote solely to my partner, or some other way of letting my partner know that she or he is special to me. | ______ |
| 11.Although our sex life may not be what it was when we first started dating, we both make it a point to keep passion and novelty alive in the bedroom and give each other feedback on what we each like and need sexually. | ______ |
| 12.We make a point of talking things out face-to-face rather than over email or text. | ______ |
| 13.Having fun is a major component of our relationship — we love taking on adventures together. | ______ |
| 14.My partner and I both seek to learn about and accommodate each other’s preferred “love languages” (receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch). | ______ |
| 15.We laugh together often, but jokes at each other’s expense or about a known sensitive area are off-limits. If we cross that line, we apologize. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Reflections
The sections with the highest total scores are the areas in which you already have a high degree of skill. Below, list your skill sets (Mindful Self-Awareness, Relationship Skillfulness, and Care and Nourishment of Your Relationship) in order, beginning with your strongest one, then your second strongest, and finally where you are most challenged. The great news is, all of these practices can be learned over time — and even an area in which you got your highest score can be improved.
#1:
#2:
#3:
Keep these results in mind as you move throughout the rest of this book. Every exercise will help you get closer to one of these three qualities of wholehearted love — sometimes several at once.
Let’s move now to understanding the Love Cycles model.
We have to be whole people to find whole love, even if we have to make it up for a while.
— CHERYL STRAYED, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Someone Who’s Been There
It’s