We also frequently see the healing power of empathy. Liam, who was expressing a lot of anger and frustration in his class at the beginning of the program, gradually responded to the smiles and overt u res the baby frequently directed at him and formed a strong, positive connection with her. Over the course of a few visits, the baby seemed to actively favour connection with Liam, slowly drawing him to her, and the instructor felt Liam turned a corner the day he looked at the baby and the baby smiled at him. At the end of that session, Liam touched the baby’s feet to say goodbye. This was an “opening up” that led to the child, for the first time that year, establishing eye contact with others and beginning to interact positively with his classmates. I have observed this “wise b a by syndrome” in countless classes. The baby has an intuitive sense of who needs her, an uncanny knack of zeroing in on the child who is unpopular, carrying a burden of pain, uncommunicative, struggling in some way. The baby sees the child, this other human being, purely and without judgment. The child sees his best true self reflected back by the baby’s response and, with it, the opportunity to reinvent himself.
These are just two examples of the power of empathy to reshape relationships. Understanding how other people feel is the first step to building caring relationships in the classroom, in the community and in the world at large. In our program the babies teach this lesson for us, because they express their feelings in such a clear, open way. The baby who is happy is happy with every cell of his body. The baby who is frightened is the epitome of fear, and this is easy for children to recognize. The observation of emotions in the baby is the gateway that leads the children to identify and label their own emotions and is a curriculum bridge to learning to recognize emotions in others. In one of the exercises in class the students look at illustrations of children their own age and talk about how the people in the pictures are feeling. The concrete experience with the baby stimulates a thoughtful range of responses. Talking about what they are learning from the baby’s cues gives children the language and experience of talking out loud about feelings; it gives them permission to have a public discourse about emotions and the process of talking fine-tunes their thinking.
Social skills are built on empathy and emotional intelligence: when you understand your own feelings and can recognize those of others, you are able to reach out and make connections. That means giving comfort and solace to those who are hurt, and celebrating with those who are happy. If we could be more present and responsive to each other, we wouldn’t have so many people running on empty. In the Roots of Empathy classroom we encourage the building of friendships, giving children the experience of making connections through shared feelings. When we do the classroom activity in which children look at a picture of a sad girl and talk not only about why she might be sad but also about how they could help her, they often attribute her sadness to loneliness and a lack of friends. The solutions invariably include taking steps to b ring the girl into their circle of friends. While they may not often articulate it, children intuitively know that friendship mitigates pain and bolsters us against the emotional landmines of growing up. Through this building of empathy and emotional awareness we have an opportunity to improve the interactions of children today and affect the quality of human interaction in the next generation.
When I talk about some of my experiences with Roots of Empathy classes, and describe some of the touching incidents when children demonstrate their courage and compassion, people in the audience are often moved to tears. Many are embarrassed by this—I see them trying to wipe their eyes discreetly with tissues concealed in their hands. Why should we be embarrassed? Those tears are proof that we are human—that we feel.
We need to make a healthy place for emotions in the way we perceive ourselves and in the way we deal with each other, regardless of gender or how old we are.
Empathy, Literacy of the Emotions
In our program, we give all the children the words to describe their feelings. Focusing on the core emotions, we ask them to tell us about times when they felt sad, scared, angry or happy. Listening to the other children and sharing their own story enlarges their vocabulary and sparks the recognition that is an essential part of emotional intelligence: “I hear how you are feeling, and I know I have felt the same way. We are alike.” When we have given shape to the solidarity of humankind it will no longer be possible for us to hive off a group and dehumanize them.
Studies tell us that when girls have a problem, they typically talk about it with others. When boys have a problem, often, their response is to act, to do something. It is still a facet of our culture that boys are not often encouraged to talk about their feelings and consequently lack the vocabulary to express emotion. Nurturing an ease in reading and expressing emotion in boys is particularly important. It is still true that parents talk more to girls than they do to boys, and that girls usually have a larger emotional vocabulary than boys. Our experience has found that boys who have gone through the Roots of Empathy program have a vocabulary of feeling words as large as that of the girls, and are more likely to talk about problems and emotions than the boys who have not had this experience. This is possible through the great care t a ken to make the classroom a safe place of trust.
Beyond having the language to discuss emotions, children need to know their feelings are accepted and valued by the adults around them. When you respect children’s feelings, they learn to respect the feelings of others. When our babies are frightened, we cuddle and comfort and reassure them. The message the baby gets is that his fear is acknowledged and responded to. When older children are frightened—especially if those children are boys—we tend to dismiss their fears and sometimes impart a sense of shame or imply weakness. In contrast to the loving acknowledgment they received as babies, they are now getting an entirely different message: their emotions are not acceptable and it is better to suppress them. Every time we don’t see or hear or respond to a child’s emotional expression, we are depriving that child of emotional oxygen. By the time most of us are adults, we are not willing to admit to fear, even to ourselves. We will make ourselves ill rather than become vulnerable emotionally by acknowledging feelings that we define as weak.
We even shroud our positive emotions. Why do we consider it inappropriate for an adult to show unbridled joy when we so prize its spontaneous, unguarded expression in children? If we cannot show fear or sadness, and can’t display our happiness, what is left for us to feel? No wonder so many adults explode in anger or collapse with depression. But we see these effects in children, too. With rapidly escalating rates of childhood depression, it is more critical than ever that we give our children the tools to express their emotions in a safe and healthy way and that we, as adults, give our children the strongest sense of their right to be heard and understood. It is equally critical that we teach them to do the same for others. A remarkable instance of healthy emotional expression emerged from a Grade 7 classroom discussion of “transitional objects,” the soothing blanket or toy that helps a baby go to sleep. The instructor was amazed as Grade 7 boys talked of special toys from babyhood that they still had in their rooms at home. Delighted at the ease of the unfolding conversation, she said later, “It was surprising they felt so comfort a ble sharing this because they do have a certain image to protect!”
Knowledge may influence decision-making, but it is emotion that truly changes behaviour. How many people know they should be eating better and exercising more? They’ve heard the message from their doctors, seen the warnings on television, and yet they continue to eat junk food and spend long hours on the couch. They have the knowledge, but their emotions are not engaged. When a person does change his eating or activity level, it is usually because of some emotional event: the fear generated by a heart attack or the desire to be more physically at tractive to the opposite sex after a divorce. Children exert a strong emotional pull in influencing social change and people will do many things out of love for their children that they would not do for other reasons. Think of wearing seat belts or bicycle helmets, quitting smoking or refusing to drink and drive. It is no accident that children appear so often in advertising, whether the product is cereal or cars. Emotion, not information, makes the difference. We tend to undervalue the role of emotion in our lives and see being emotional as a fault.
Empathy also has an important role to play in fostering interdependence. Interdependence is critical at all levels of our lives—at work, at home, in our community relationships. The idea that independence represents strength