on the baby’s palm
FAMILY MATTERS: YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
Dealing with Postpartum Blues and Depression
Somewhere between 50 and 80 percent of new mothers experience periods of mild sadness, weepiness, stress, moodiness, sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, inability to make decisions, anger, or anxiety after the baby is born. These “baby blues,” which many believe are caused by hormonal shifts in a new mother’s body, can last for hours or days, but in most cases they disappear within a few weeks. One researcher, Edward Hagen, claims that postpartum blues has little, if anything, to do with hormones. Instead, he says, it’s connected to low levels of social support—especially from the father. And it could be the new mother’s way of “negotiating” for more involvement. Either way, if you notice that your partner is experiencing any of these symptoms, there’s not much you can do except be supportive. Encourage her to get out of the house for a while and see to it that she’s eating healthily.
For about 10–20 percent of new moms, postpartum blues can develop into postpartum depression, which is far more serious. Symptoms include:
• Baby blues that don’t go away after two weeks, or feelings of depression or anger that surface a month or two after the birth.
• Feelings of sadness, doubt, guilt, helplessness, or hopelessness that begin to disrupt your partner’s normal functioning.
• Inability to sleep when tired, or sleeping most of the time, even when the baby is awake.
• Marked changes in appetite.
• Extreme concern and worry about the baby—or lack of interest in the baby and/or other members of the family.
• Worries that she’ll harm the baby or herself, or threats of doing either one.
Sadly, a lot of moms who have postpartum depression don’t get the assistance they need—often because they feel too embarrassed to admit to anyone else what they’re feeling. Helping your partner cope with her depression is important for both her and your baby. Depressed new moms are often emotionally withdrawn around their newborns and have trouble taking care of them. Those babies—because they’re such great imitators—mimic their mother’s behavior and become less engaged with the people around them. They also cry and fuss more and are more frightened in new situations.
If your partner is suffering from postpartum depression, your help is critical. Engaged, involved dads act as “buffers,” shielding their baby from the negative effects of his mother’s condition. Here are some important things you can do to help your partner through this difficult time:
• Remind her that the depression is not her fault, that you love her and the baby loves her, that she’s doing a great job, and that the two of you will get through this together.
• Spend more time with the baby and make a special effort to be as upbeat, smiling, expressive, and engaging as possible.
• Do as much of the housework as you can so she won’t have to worry about not being able to get everything done herself.
• Encourage her to take breaks—regularly and frequently.
• Take over enough of the nighttime baby duties so your wife can get at least five hours of uninterrupted sleep. This means that you’ll probably do a feeding or two, which is a great way to get in some extra dad-baby bonding.
• Help her snack on protein instead of carbohydrates throughout the day. This will help keep her blood sugar levels as even as possible, which will help smooth out her moods. If she doesn’t have much of an appetite, make her a protein-rich shake.
• If you see that she’s feeling anxious or obsessive, keep her as far away as possible from caffeine and make sure she drinks a lot of water (dehydration has been linked to anxiety).
• Turn off the TV news, and don’t let her read the news section of the newspaper.
• Find a support group for her that’s specifically geared for people with postpartum depression. She’ll probably feel safer sharing what’s going on in your house and in her head with others who are going through the same thing.
• Get regular breaks to relieve your own stress. Yes, she’s relying on you to help her, but if you’re falling apart yourself, you’re not going to do her or anyone else any good.
One or two out of every thousand new mothers will develop postpartum psychosis. The symptoms usually start right after the birth and are usually immediately recognizable by anyone. They include wild mood swings, hallucinations, being out of touch with reality, doing something to harm herself or the baby, and making crazy or delirious statements. Postpartum psychosis is treatable—often with powerful antipsychotic drugs—but women who have it need help, and they need it fast. So if you see that your partner has any of these symptoms, put down this book and call her doctor immediately. Fortunately, despite the extensive media coverage of mothers who drown five of their children, the majority of women with postpartum psychosis don’t hurt their babies or anyone else.
Even Guys Get the Blues—and Worse
Although baby blues or depression are almost always associated with women, the fact is that many men also get the blues after their babies are born. In some cases, men’s blues are hormonally based like their partner’s. Canadian researcher Anne Storey found that new fathers’ testosterone levels often drop by as much as a third right after the birth of their children. Since testosterone is involved in energy and mood, lower levels could explain why some men feel a little down. It’s also quite likely that the feelings of sadness, the mood swings, and the anxiety you may be experiencing are the result of facing the stress, the responsibilities, the bills, and the reality of your changing life.
Here’s how author S. Adams Sullivan put it: “The hearty congratulations at work last a few days, but then your status as a celebrity wears off and you begin to notice that you’re coming home every night to a demanding baby and a distraught wife.… You look at your wife and … the healthy, radiant glow that made her beautiful while she was pregnant has disappeared, and you’re tempted to agree with her when she gripes about her looks … you’re getting maybe four and a half hours of sleep, total, and that’s broken up into hour-and-a-half naps, so that you’re nodding off every day at work and falling behind.”
In most cases, your baby blues—like your partner’s—will be gone after a few weeks. But recent research is finding that between 10 and 25 percent of new dads develop actual postpartum depression. Unfortunately, men don’t express their depression the same way women do; we tend to get more angry and anxious than sad. As a result, if you’re feeling depressed, people (including yourself) might not recognize the symptoms and you won’t get the help you need.
According to researcher Sherri Melrose, “left untreated, paternal postpartum depression limits men’s capacity to provide emotional support to their partners and children.” Like moms, dads with postpartum depression are more likely to spank their children and less likely to play with or read,