at age three and a half. And researcher James Paulson found that infants of depressed dads (but not of depressed moms) have smaller vocabularies at age two than those with non-depressed dads.
Breastfeeding Problems
As natural as breastfeeding is, a large percentage of women have some kind of difficulty, ranging from stress and frustration to pain and infection. Researchers at the University of Utah recently discovered that a specific gene called xanthine oxidoreductase (XOR) may actually put some women at risk of developing breastfeeding problems. Most of the time, though, the difficulties are the result of not having been given proper instruction on how to breastfeed. But whether it’s genetic or operator error, the fact remains that women who have problems breastfeeding are far more likely to give it up than those who don’t.
Because breastfeeding is so important to both your baby and your partner, it’s important that you learn about the potential problems and ways of dealing with them. Here are the possibilities:
• Leaky breasts. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Some women’s breasts never leak; others’ do during every feeding or every time they hear their baby cry. It’s most common in the morning when the breasts are at their fullest. Breast leaking peaks during the first few weeks and tapers off over the next few months.
• Sore nipples. Breastfeeding usually takes some getting used to—for the mom and the baby—and a little discomfort is normal. Sore nipples aren’t the result of frequent nursing; rather, they’re usually caused when the baby doesn’t latch on to the breast properly. Untreated, the nipples can go from simply being sore to cracking and bleeding, which can make the entire experience miserable for your partner.
• Engorged breasts. Within a week after giving birth, your partner’s milk will “come in,” and her breasts may become painfully full, swollen, enormous, or hard. She may also develop a low fever. Oddly, this is actually a good thing, because it means that she’s producing milk. Although engorgement is most common during the first few days of breastfeeding, it can happen any time. Painful engorgement can, for example, wake up your partner in the middle of the night. The easy solution to the problem is to empty the breast, either by having the baby do it or by pumping. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes hard for babies to latch on to an engorged breast.
• Clogged ducts. This happens when milk flow within the breast is interrupted and backs up. It can cause uncomfortable lumps inside the breast and hardness, redness, and heat on the skin above the blocked duct. Clogged ducts can be caused by wearing tight bras or from not fully emptying the breast at each feeding. They usually clear up by themselves within a day or two.
• Mastitis. Mastitis is a bacterial infection. It can feel a lot like a clogged duct but is more painful and is often accompanied by fever and/or other flu-like symptoms. It can be caused by not completely emptying the breast, but the number-one reason is lowered resistance to illness, which is the result of exhaustion, stress, and poor diet. Mastitis can develop anytime but is most common during the first month of breastfeeding. Diagnosed early, it’s easy to treat, usually with antibiotics. Untreated, though, it can become an abscess, which has to be drained surgically.
If your partner experiences these or any other problems breastfeeding, she’s going to need as much support from you as possible. In addition to the suggestions on pages 42–43, here’s how you can help:
• Make sure she’s comfortable. A lot of women love breastfeeding pillows, which keep the baby high enough so they don’t have to lean over, and free up their arms. Two very good ones are Boppie and My Brest Friend (I have no idea why they spell it that way, unless they’re World War I fans).
• Encourage her to nurse the baby frequently. She should also change the baby’s position every feeding and have the baby empty the breast.
• Suggest that she cover the breasts with warm, wet compresses for a few minutes before every feeding. If the breasts are engorged, she should try to express some milk before letting the baby latch on. After feedings, try cool compresses. Some women swear that putting cabbage leaves on their breasts after feeding works wonders. Hey, it’s worth a try.
• Buy Lansinoh cream. It helps soothe sore, cracked, and bloody nipples and doesn’t contain any ingredients that could be harmful to the baby.
• Help the baby latch on. The baby should have a great big mouthful of breast, including as much of the areola (the dark part around the nipple) as will fit. Sucking on just the tip of the nipple will hurt.
• To unclog ducts during feedings, massage the area of the clog gently and toward the nipple.
• Call her doctor if she has a fever of 100°F or more. She should check with her doctor if she has pain or other symptoms that persist for more than twenty-four hours. She may need antibiotics.
• Encourage her to continue. The pain can be intense, and she may be tempted to quit, but in many cases, nursing through the problem can help resolve it, whereas stopping can make things worse.
• Call in the pros. If none of these steps help your partner’s pain or discomfort within a few days, she should talk to the pediatrician to get a referral to a lactation consultant. Or, she can contact the La Leche League (www.lalecheleague.org) or the International Lactation Consultant Association (www.ilca.org).
YOU AND YOUR BABY
Crying
Since the moment your baby was born, he’s been trying to communicate with you. That’s the good news. The bad news is that he settled on crying as the way to do it. It will take you a while to teach him that there are more effective, and less annoying, ways of getting your attention. In the meantime, though, if he’s like most babies, he’s a real chatterbox: 80–90 percent of all infants have crying spells that last from twenty minutes to an hour every day. Of course, not all of your baby’s tears mean that he is sad, uncomfortable, hungry, or dissatisfied with something you’ve done. Nevertheless, holding an inconsolably crying baby can bring out a range of emotions, even in the most seasoned parent, running from pity and frustration to fury and inadequacy.
Fathers are likely to experience these feelings—especially inadequacy—more acutely than mothers. As with so many mother/father differences, the culprit is socialization: most men come into fatherhood feeling less than completely confident in their own parenting abilities, and a baby’s cries are too easily seen as confirmation that Daddy is doing a less-than-adequate job.
As difficult as crying can be to deal with, you obviously don’t want your baby to be completely silent (in fact, if your baby doesn’t cry at least several times a day, you need to have a talk with your pediatrician). Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to make your baby’s crying a less unpleasant experience for both of you:
• When (not if) your child starts to cry, resist the urge to hand him to your partner. She knows nothing more about crying babies than you do (or will soon enough). Since each of you instinctively has a different way of interacting with the baby, your hanging in there through a crying spell will double the chances that you’ll find new ways to soothe the baby.
• Learn to speak your baby’s language. By now, you can almost always tell your baby’s cry from any other baby’s, and you can probably recognize his “I’m tired,” “Feed me now,” and “Change my diaper” cries. And while the language he speaks isn’t as sexy or as vocabulary-rich as French, your baby has added a few more “phrases” to his repertoire, including “I’m as uncomfortable as hell,” “I’m bored out of my mind,” and “I’m crying because I’m mad and I’m not going to stop no matter what you do.” Responding promptly when your baby cries will help you learn to recognize which cry is which. You’ll then be able to tailor your response and keep your baby happy.
• Carry your baby more. The more you hold him (even when he’s not crying), the less likely he is to cry. In one study, researchers found that a two-hour increase in carrying