yourself angry or resentful of her, or thinking or saying things—even in jest—such as “All the pain is the baby’s fault,” or (as I did) “The baby had jammed herself in there sideways and refused to come out,” try to remember that no matter how brilliant and talented you think your baby is, she was a completely passive player in the entire process. Giving in to the temptation to blame your baby for anything at this point can seriously interfere with your future relationship together.
The Brief “Is This Really My Baby?” Phase
The first thing I did after each of my daughters was born was count their arms, legs, fingers, and toes. Once all limbs and extremities were accounted for, I quickly looked them over to see whether they had “my” nose or chin.
Later on, I felt a little guilty about that—after all, shouldn’t I have been hugging and kissing my daughters instead of giving them a full-body inspection? Maybe, but as it turns out, that’s what almost all new dads do within the first few minutes after the birth of their babies: immediately look for physical similarities—as if to prove to themselves that the baby is truly theirs. This happens for a reason: for most of us—regardless of how many prenatal doctor appointments we went to, how many times we heard the baby’s heartbeat or saw her squirm around on an ultrasound, and how many times we felt her kick—the baby isn’t completely “real” until after the birth, when we finally have a chance to meet each other face to face. “Seeing the infant emerge from his mate’s body through vaginal or cesarean birth is a powerful experience for each father,” writes researcher Pamela Jordan. “Birth proved that this infant had been the growth within the mother’s abdomen.”
As it turns out, only one of my daughters has “my” chin, and it’s looking like none of them will have to suffer through life with my nose (and the accompanying sinus problems). When the first two were born, I remember being very disappointed that neither of them had the Brott family webbed toes (it isn’t all that noticeable, but it helps my swimming immeasurably). But you can’t imagine my delight when I found a little webbing between the youngest one’s toes (she’s also the only one of the three who’s shown a serious interest in swimming).
Now, Wait a Minute—This Isn’t What I Was Expecting at All
Babies hardly ever look exactly as you imagined they would before they were born. And being disappointed about a nose, a chin, or even some toes is something you’ll get over soon enough—especially when you discover in a few weeks that the baby does have something of yours (they always do).
But what if the baby has a penis or a vagina when you were expecting the opposite? Getting a boy when you expected a girl, or vice versa, can be a real shock. A team of Swedish researchers found that fathers are generally more satisfied with their roles when their babies—boys or girls—are the sex they’d hoped for. But if the fantasy doesn’t materialize, regret can settle in and interfere with your accepting and loving your baby. In fact, children who aren’t the sex their parents wanted have worse relationships with their parents in childhood than preferred-sex kids. That seems to be especially true for kids whose parents had wanted a boy but got a girl.
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
Her Emotional and Physical Recovery after a C-Section
Having an unplanned C-section can trigger a whole host of conflicting emotions in your partner. She, like you, may feel greatly relieved that the pain is over and the baby is safe. At the same time, it’s very natural for her to second-guess herself and the decisions she made, to start wondering whether there was anything she could have done to avoid the operation, or to believe she’s failed because she didn’t deliver vaginally. These feelings are especially common when the C-section was performed because labor “failed to progress” (meaning that the cervix wasn’t dilating as quickly as the doctors thought it should).
Coping with a Special-Needs Child
We all expect a perfect baby, but unfortunately not everyone gets one. In recent years, technology has made it easier for expectant parents to avoid having—or at least to prepare themselves for—a disabled child.
But prepared or not, parents of disabled children still have plenty of adjusting to do. For some fathers, having a disabled child is similar to having a miscarriage—there’s a mourning for the child who might have been. Some feel shock, anger, disbelief, or denial. They may blame themselves and see the child as a kind of punishment, or they may blame their partner. Others feel ambivalent and may even secretly wish that the child had died.
Having a child with a disability can be particularly tough for highly educated or intellectual couples who had great expectations for their baby, expectations the baby may never be able to live up to. Interestingly, moms and dads react somewhat differently. Moms tend to be more concerned about the emotional strain of having to care for the child, while dads are more concerned with the costs of providing care and with the baby’s ability to be a leader and her potential for academic success. Having a child with a disability can undermine a father’s feelings of masculinity and his confidence in himself.
According to researcher Michael Lamb, couples who are in better marriages and who have more social support have an easier time coming to terms with their disabled child. He also found that acceptance of the disabled child by the father’s parents has a big influence on the father’s acceptance of the child. Oddly, boys with intellectual disabilities seem to have a more negative impact on marriages than girls. This may reflect fathers’ and mothers’ greater expectations for their sons (and, sadly, lower ones for their daughters).
If you sense that your partner is experiencing any of these negative emotions, it’s important for you to counter them immediately. She really needs to know that no one could have done more, or been stronger or braver than she was; that she didn’t give in to the pain too soon; that she tried everything humanly possible to jump-start a stalled labor; that another few hours of labor that wasn’t going anywhere wouldn’t have done anyone any good; and that the decision she made (or at least agreed to) was the best one—both for the baby and for herself.
Some of these thoughts might seem obvious—so obvious that you might think they don’t need to be said at all. But they do—especially by you. You were there with her, and you know better than anyone else exactly what she went through. So being comforted and praised by you will mean a lot more to her than hearing the same words from a well-meaning nurse or doctor.
Having a baby isn’t a competition, although some people make it into one. (Hearing a bunch of new moms talk about their labor redefines the concept of macho. “I had a 17-hour labor.” “Well, mine was 22 hours—and I did it without any drugs.” “Oh, yeah, mine was . . .”)
As far as her physical recovery goes, keep the following in mind while you’re at the hospital. We’ll talk more about at-home recovery a little later in this chapter.
• Your partner’s incision will be tender or downright painful for at least several days. Fortunately, she’ll most likely be receiving some intravenous (IV) pain medication.
• The nursing staff will visit quite frequently to make sure that your partner’s uterus is getting firm and returning to its proper place, to see whether she’s producing enough urine, and to check her bandages.
• Your partner will have an IV until her bowels start functioning again (usually one to three days after delivery). After the IV is removed, she’ll start on a liquid diet, then add a few soft foods, and finally return to her normal diet.
• Your partner will need to get up and move around. Even though a C-section is major abdominal surgery, fewer than twenty-four hours after the delivery the nurses will probably encourage—and help—your partner to get out of bed and take a couple of rather painful-looking steps.
• Before your partner leaves the hospital, the sutures or staples will be removed. Yes, staples. Until I heard the clink as the doctor dropped them into a jar, I’d just assumed that my wife had been sewn up after her C-section. In some cases,