To the Betrayed Spouse: Your Role in Healing Your Marriage
Epilogue: New Life in Recovery
Appendix 2: Abstinence Contract
Acknowledgments
There are many people I want to thank who aided and inspired me in writing this book. I want to thank my colleagues at Integrity Restored, Matt Fradd, Fr. Sean Kilcawley, and Jim O’Day who constantly believed in me and the mission of Integrity Restored. I also want to thank the many mental health professionals who share my passion for helping those struggling with pornography addiction and their loved ones, especially Dr. Todd Bowman, Dr. Patrick Carnes, Dr. Stephanie Carnes, Dr. Robert Enright, Marnie Ferree, Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons, Dr. Mark and Debra Laaser, Justin McManus, Sam Meier, Dr. Kevin Skinner, Dr. William Struthers, and Michael Wenisch. And to all other professionals who are striving daily to educate the public on the dangers of pornography and to provide help for those who struggle with it, especially, Jason Evert, Luke Gilkerson, Crystal Renaud, Patrick Truman, and Christopher West, I am truly grateful. There are many other professionals I would like to thank, but that list would be way too long. Suffice it to say, you know who you are, and I am eternally grateful to you. Finally, I want to thank my wife and children who are my greatest cheer leaders. Thank you for believing in me and for putting up with me during the writing process.
How to Use This Book
This book is designed to be a primer both for couples affected by pornography addiction and sexual infidelity, and for those who work with them — counselors, accountability partners, family members, and clergy.
Because husbands and wives are affected differently by pornography addiction, this book looks at recovery and healing for spouses both when the husband is the addict and when the wife is the addict. It is broken into three sections: the first focuses on the addicted spouse, the disease of addiction, and the process of recovery; the second section looks at the offended spouse, the traumatic wound of betrayal, and the process of recovery and healing; the third and final section focuses on the ways couples can work together to heal and restore their marriages. The two married couples discussed in this book are amalgamations of the hundreds of couples I’ve treated who have been affected by pornography/sex addiction, as well as couples presented in research studies.
I recommend that both spouses read this book together and answer the reflection questions in each chapter. You may even want to keep a common journal to record your answers, as well as any important insights or facts. As you read and reflect, pay attention to any physical, emotional, or spiritual reactions you experience. For example, if when reading a section, you feel a tightness in your shoulders or chest, or you begin to cry, that may be a signal that there is a deep wound that needs to be addressed for healing. These reactions can help you better understand each other and help guide you through the healing and recovery process.
You may also wish to discuss your answers with your therapist for greater knowledge and insight. Working through this book with a priest or spiritual director can also help you to experience God more deeply in your healing and recovery process — because God does want to be a part of this process, for the betrayed spouse, to restore your trust in your spouse, and for the addicted spouse, to help you find healing from your addiction. This book is only the beginning. I hope you will find it provides you with the knowledge and tools you need to continue your individual and marital healing and restoration. May you come to know that with God’s help, you can recover and create a marriage that is happy, healthy, and holy. There is hope for a better future!
Key Terms
Before you can begin the healing process, it’s important to know the definitions of several key terms, which will be used throughout this book.
Accountability: Being responsible for one’s words and actions.
Betrayal trauma: The deep emotional woundedness one feels as a result of sexual betrayal. Symptoms can often be similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder. (See definition of trauma below.)
Boundaries: Rules/limits set to protect people and to enable them to have healthy relationships.
Cybersex: Using the internet alone or with other people for sexual purposes.
Disclosure: Revealing past sexual experiences outside a marriage.
Gaslighting: Using lies to excuse or cover over sexual activity.
Guilt: Recognition that one has sinned and must atone for it. This can lead to healing and reconciliation.
Pornography: Any image that leads a person to use another person for his/her own sexual pleasure. It is devoid of love, relationship, and intimacy and can be highly addictive (Kleponis, 2014).
Recovery: A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live self-directed lives, and strive to reach their full potential. Four signs of recovery are:
1. Being able to address problems as they happen, without self-medicating, and without getting stressed out.
2. Having at least one person you can be completely honest with.
3. Establishing personal boundaries and knowing which issues are ours, and which ones belong to other people.
4. Taking the time to restore your energy — physical and emotional — when you are tired (SAMHSA, 2016).
Self-medicating: Using pornography or any other addictive substance or behavior as a way to cope with deep emotional wounds or trauma.
Sexual Addiction: Any persistent and escalating unhealthy pattern of sexual behavior. It is compulsive in nature, and used to avoid or change feelings despite destructive consequences to self and others (Laaser, 1992).
Shame: The belief that because of the sins a person has committed, or the sins committed against a person, he/she is fundamentally a bad person beyond redemption. This often leads a person to want to hide.
Sobriety: No sex with one’s self, or anyone else, except one’s spouse (Sexaholics Anonymous [SA], 1989).
Transformation: Becoming a new creation in Christ — the person God created you to be. This is the ultimate goal of recovery (Kleponis, 2016).
Trauma: An occurrence wherein an individual sees or experiences a risk to their own life or physical safety, or that of other people, and feels terror, fear, or helplessness. The occurrence might additionally cause confusion, dissociation, and a loss of a feeling of security.
Triggers: People, places, things, emotions, or situations that can activate the pain of past emotional wounds. This can lead a person to act in destructive ways to cope with the pain.