Understanding and Healing Pornography Addiction
Chapter 1
What Pornography Does to Marriages
The Pornography Epidemic
Several months ago, I had a phone conversation with a woman whom I’ll call Patricia. She was audibly upset. She had recently discovered that Dan, her husband of twenty years, had been viewing internet pornography regularly for many months, possibly years. Moreover, while searching through his computer, cell phone, and tablet, she discovered that he had been viewing very deviant and violent pornography. Patricia was devastated. To her, this was adultery. When she confronted her husband about it, he first denied it. Then, to avert his guilt and shame, he tried to blame her for his pornography use, claiming she wasn’t giving him enough sex — a tactic known as gaslighting. Patricia knew this was a weak excuse. While she still loved her husband, she knew they couldn’t continue with his pornography use. Patricia felt lost and afraid and wanted to know what she could do to save her marriage.
In a later marital session, I met Dan. He finally admitted he had struggled with pornography use for several years. It began when he was a teenager with magazines and video tapes, and later DVDs. When the internet emerged he began viewing pornography online. That is when his addiction really got bad. At its worst point, Dan was viewing pornography daily for at least an hour and masturbating. He knew it was wrong and that it would hurt Patricia. He knew it was damaging his relationship with God. He badly wanted to confess his problem to Patricia and get help, but the intense guilt and shame forced him to keep it a secret.
Every week I hear stories like this. In my work with people who struggle with pornography addiction and those affected by the addictions of their loved ones, nowhere do I see more damage than in marriages. Pornography addiction is not something that simply affects the pornography user. It traumatizes spouses and tears marriages apart. We need to address this issue for all parties affected.
Pornography addiction is the fastest growing epidemic in America. Modern neuroscience has shown us that pornography is an addictive substance that has the same effect on the brain as cocaine.1 Pornography has become the new “drug of choice,” and millions are affected by it. Here are some sobering statistics on this fast-spreading epidemic:2
1. Thirteen percent of all search engine requests are for sexual content.
2. Ten percent of men will admit to being addicted to pornography.
3. About one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women.
4. Among millennials, 63 percent of men and 21 percent of women view pornography at least several times a week.
5. Fifty-five percent of married men say they watch porn at least once a month.
6. Twenty-five percent of married women say they watch porn at least once a month.
7. Most wives view their husband’s use of pornography as seriously as an extramarital affair.
8. Pornography is contributing to the further breakdown of the family.
9. Pornography plays a significant role in over 50 percent of all divorces.
Catholics are in no way immune to this problem. Millions are becoming affected by it, and while there are numerous Protestant resources available to combat this problem, few Catholic resources exist. Even fewer exist for Catholic couples affected by this epidemic. There is a desperate need to address this issue for Catholic couples to help heal and restore their marriages. For these reasons, I have written this book. My goal is to bring hope and healing to Catholic couples whose marriages have been torn apart by pornography addiction.
For over 20 years I have worked as a Catholic therapist helping thousands of individuals, couples and families. For the past 10 years, I have specialized in the treatment of pornography/sexual addiction. I was the first Catholic mental health professional to address this issue publicly. I have written extensively about it, and I have traveled throughout the United States and internationally educating Catholics about the dangers of pornography, on how to protect marriages and families, and on where those who are addicted can find help. Because of the widespread damage pornography addiction has done to individuals, marriages and families, I am passionate about helping all who are affected by this epidemic.
Pornography’s Impact on Marriages
Pornography use has a devastating effect on marriages. The discovery of a spouse’s pornography use usually causes shock and anger. While the pornography user may consider it harmless enough (after all, many rationalize it to themselves, one can’t have an affair with images on a computer screen), to the spouse these aren’t just images. They are real people! Pornography is not the harmless “adult entertainment” many people believe it to be. It has terrible consequences for real relationships with real husbands and wives.
Here is a brief overview of what pornography does to marriages:
It destroys the trust necessary for a healthy marriage and the ability to feel safe with the spouse they thought they knew.
To the spouse of a pornography addict, pornography use is as serious as an extramarital affair. Spouses of pornography users also feel deeply rejected. Sexuality is a very private and intimate gift that is meant to be shared only with one’s spouse, bonding a couple together and open to new life. With pornography, that special gift becomes tainted. Even though they’re “only” characters on a screen, it can feel as if complete strangers have been welcomed into the intimate self-gift between spouses. Most porn stars are very young with “perfect” bodies, only adding to the spouse’s sense of rejection and being cast aside. This is especially true for wives. Patricia is in her late forties. When she saw the kinds of women Dan was viewing in porn, she began to think, “I’m no longer beautiful or desirable. He wants to replace me with the young girls in porn.” This led her to question her identity and value as a woman. Such a betrayal cuts to the very soul of a woman, and the pain is beyond belief.3
Pornography shatters the respect spouses should have for each other.
Patricia had always considered Dan a faithful, virtuous husband. Discovering his pornography use destroyed that image. Patricia lost all respect for Dan. She could no longer view him as a good father and role model for their children. She didn’t even feel safe leaving their kids alone with him.
Spouses of people addicted to pornography often struggle with feelings of guilt.
Although rationally they know they are not to blame for their spouse’s pornography use, they can’t help but feel that if they were only prettier, nicer, more sexual, etc., their spouse would never have turned to pornography in the first place.
Some feel blamed by others for not being a better wife or a better husband.
Dealing with a spouse’s pornography addiction can feel very isolating. Because of the guilt and shame they feel being married to an addict, many refuse to discuss the issue with close friends and family, which leaves them to deal with it alone.
For the addicted person, life becomes consumed by the use of pornography.
No matter how hard they try, they cannot stop. Although society may approve of their behavior, deep down they know it is wrong, and they keep it a secret. They live their lives with the constant fear that others may find out about their sexual sins. The guilt and shame can be unbearable. Some even entertain thoughts of suicide because their pornography use has become unmanageable. As hard as they try, their pornography use does not cease. They may have short periods of sobriety, but they usually always return to it. The kinds of pornography they seek out often become more extreme. They go from soft porn to hard-core material. This can include pornography depicting sex that is deviant,