is still good news for every human being, even though the call to chastity can seem at first like a sacrifice too daunting to attempt. In a world that so quickly rejects God’s plan, however, the Church needs to proclaim it more clearly than ever. Dogmatic formulations, while always true, can sometimes be hard to hear amid the noise of the media and of political discourse. Personal witness captivates the attention of the modern world.
David Prosen is in a unique position to testify to the beauty and goodness of God’s will for sexuality and of the Church’s call to chastity. As a man who has experienced same-sex attractions for most of his life, he speaks very candidly about his own search for love and acceptance, the compromises he made along the way, and the disappointment he encountered. As a Catholic who has embraced the Church’s teachings about chastity, he shares honestly how difficult it once was to hear that teaching, and what a difference it made in his life once he was able to accept it. He is able to lead clergy and others in ministry to a deeper understanding of what Catholics who experience same-sex attractions need and seek from the Church and their spiritual fathers. This book is a special gift to the Church and could not have come at a more important moment.
“The great ideals of the past failed not by being outlived,” G. K. Chesterton wrote in What’s Wrong with the World, “but by not being lived enough.… The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.” David does not deny that the Christian call to holiness, which includes the call to chastity, can be difficult. But he invites the reader not to stop there — not to reject God’s plan, untried, as an impossible ideal. His candid testimony provides important guidance, both for those who experience same-sex attractions and for those who love them, to find a path through the difficulties and arrive at the fulfillment and the joy that God has planned for each of his sons and daughters.
Fr. Philip G. Bochanski
Executive Director
Courage International
Author’s Preface
I am a Catholic man who experiences same-sex attractions.
I have found tremendous freedom and peace in embracing the Church’s teachings about homosexuality, after many years of fighting the truth. Knowing how much joy life in the truth has brought me, I am troubled when I see shepherds and leaders in the Church promote ideas that contradict Church teaching and condone sin. In an effort to be kind, too many in the Church are embracing cultural thought as fact without proof, presenting the Church’s teachings as “mean,” and advocating for her to change.
When our shepherds don’t speak with clarity, those of us with same-sex attractions who strive to live according to the Church’s teachings feel letdown. Thank goodness, these shepherds are the minority. Many others help tremendously, as I have experienced firsthand. They have helped me grow in my relationship with Christ, supported me, encouraged me, and have been Christ to me. These amazing and inspiring shepherds, and others within the Church, provide clarity, truth, hope, and love in a time of chaos, where love is too often equated with simply being “nice.”
Those of us who experience same-sex attractions need much more than to be treated nicely. We need to be loved authentically, with truth, and given hope in Christ. I wrote this booklet for priests, bishops, lay leaders, and members of the Church who want an easy-to-reference guide for accompanying and loving their brothers and sisters who bear this particular cross. This booklet is designed to be read easily, and it’s packed with concrete ways to help Catholics who experience same-sex attractions, yet seek to embrace the Church’s beautiful teachings.
David Prosen
October 2018
I
Are We Asking Ourselves the Wrong Question?
There is much confusion right now in our Church as members attempt to discern ways to love, welcome, and accompany those who experience same-sex attractions. This book is intended to equip bishops, priests, religious, and lay leaders, as well as all members of the Church, with knowledge and concrete strategies for how to respond to and welcome into the Church those who experience same-sex attractions, while authentically loving them as Jesus does.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church makes it clear that, regarding those who experience same-sex attractions, “They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity” (2358).
How do we respond as a Church to this vital call? Many leaders and members of the Church have loved ones experiencing same-sex attractions and must face this question daily. The struggle to find the balance between loving the person while not condoning unchaste acts is a challenge that some accept. Others disagree with what the Church upholds as truth and want the Church to change her position (as though the Church somehow has the authority to change what is true).
For those in the Church seeking to welcome and minister to those who experience same-sex attractions, many questions arise. Yet I think the questions we tend to ask are missing the point. Maybe the question here isn’t the often asked, “How do we welcome and accompany those in the Church who experience same-sex attractions?” Perhaps instead we should ask, “What are the needs of those in the Church who experience same-sex attractions, and how can we meet these needs?”
Needs and Wants
When I think of the word “needs,” I think of Jesus’ words on the cross: “I thirst.” Here is Jesus in his most vulnerable state ever. He has been wrongly accused and sentenced to death, abandoned by his friends, whipped, spat upon, robbed of his clothes, mocked, rejected by most, and left there to hang on a cross in immense pain.
After this Jesus, knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), “I thirst.” A bowl full of vinegar stood there; so they put a sponge full of the vinegar on hyssop and held it to his mouth. When Jesus had received the vinegar, he said, “It is finished”; and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. (John 19:28–30)
Many theologians write that when Jesus said “I thirst,” he wasn’t referring to a physical thirst, but instead to his thirst for our souls. He freely chose the cross because of his thirst for us to be restored to relationship with him. While his physical body certainly thirsted for water, his much deeper thirst was for each one of us. Likewise, he wants us to thirst for him. The psalms are filled with references to the human soul thirsting for God, such as, “O God, you are my God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you;/ my flesh faints for you,/ as in a dry and weary land where no water is” (Ps 63:1).
The soldiers didn’t know that Jesus’ thirst was more spiritual than physical, and they gave him vinegar. Now, these soldiers clearly didn’t want to meet Jesus’ needs, since it’s obvious that vinegar isn’t going to quench thirst. If the soldiers had done the right thing and given Jesus water, his real need still wouldn’t have been met. Why? Because the soldiers assumed his need was something to drink. That’s not what Jesus meant, so the soldiers wouldn’t have met his true need, even if they had sincerely tried. Similarly, we as Christians might give people what we assume they need, often based on what they tell us they want, when, in fact, it isn’t even close to what they need. When we do this, we’re more than likely hurting them and not helping them.
There is a huge difference between wants and needs. I want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I need healthy food for my body to live. I want soda pop or sweet tea. I need water for my body to live. If I want to get married to a person of the same gender, ultimately, I might want the Church to change her teaching. Yet, what I really need is to be accepted for who I am as a child of God and authentically loved by others.
Jesus knew what he wanted and what he needed, because he was God. The rest of us often don’t know what we really need … we just know what we want. But what we want might not be what is best for us and might even harm us in the long run. We see enticing things in our culture that we want, such as money, fame, power, and even harmful things like drugs or pornography. The more we give in to the desire for these things, the more they