miss you so much. Amber is getting married next week. Jenna, she is doing so well in school. You would be so proud of them. Your mother has been there for them. She stepped in after you…after you passed. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I love our girls, Juliet. But I am just not any good to them without you. It was supposed to be us. It was always supposed to be us. What am I without you? I am just alive. I am not living. Living without you…I won’t betray you like that. I just count the days, Juliet. The days until I can be with you again.”
“We are together, Stanley. Please don’t be sad. God, I don’t want you to be sad…”
“The girls need you. You mean more to them than you know.”
“Stanley, I want you to live. I want you to find joy again. I love you so much. I don’t want you to feel this way. Please, Stanley, be happy again. Move on, my love.”
Stanley falls to his knees. I see his tears streaming down his face. I wrap my arms around him, and I cry, but I have no tears.
“Goodbye for now, Stanley.”
* * * * *
Stanley and I were married on October 14, 1994, right after he had completed his residency. We set the date on the anniversary date of the attack to assign that day a new meaning, a new beginning. It was my idea. That day ended a chapter in my life. I wanted it to be the start of a new chapter instead. One that Stanley and I would live out together. We would make it amazing. We decided to let life take us wherever it wanted. We would go with the flow, live free of rigid planning. Our wedding was simple but beautiful. We had a small ceremony in the woods. With redwood trees towering above and the sound of the coastline waves crashing behind us.
My dress had a bateau neckline with an empire waistline and long organza sleeves. It was full-length all the way down past my feet. I chose a light cream color, almost white, but not quite. I wanted it to be very simplistic, but my mother insisted that it be adorned with Chantilly lace. She and I made my dress together. It was simple but elegant. I made my own bouquet from autumn leaves that I had gathered at the site where I proposed to Stanley along with daylilies, baby’ breath, and brown-eyed Susans. Only immediate family were invited to attend the ceremony. My mother was my maid of honor, and Liam gave me away. Stanley and I stood under a chuppah beneath a canopy of redwood trees, staring into one another’s souls, as we exchanged the vows we had written.
I can still smell the fragrance of dry autumn leaves mixed with the salty ocean breeze.
Stanley’s mom was a bit disappointed that we hadn’t allowed for a larger gathering. So we made it up to her by letting her plan the reception. It was huge! We had over 150 guests. Mainly people Stan knew and his extended family, which was numerous and enthusiastic. I had a small circle of friends and an even smaller family in attendance. There was a live band, an open bar, and lots of food. Oh, and dancing, lots of dancing. I never danced so much in my life.
Stanley and I drove up Highway 1 after I was discharged from the rehab hospital. We hiked to a pristine clearing. It was like a chapel in the middle of the redwoods. An opening in the trees served as a window where the waves could be seen crashing against the mammoth coastline rocks. Stanley laid a blanket down on the forest floor. We lay there looking up at the trees. They were so unreal, so majestic. Neither of us spoke for a long time. We just lay there, taking it all in. Stanley broke the silence. “Juliet,” he said as he turned to face me. “I know we haven’t talked much about what happened. I don’t even know if now is the right time. But I can’t keep what I have to say inside of me any longer. That night, the night we spent together…I remember every detail, Juliet. I remember your face, your smell. I remember all of it. You were like a dream, a dream come true. I was wrong to leave you. I am so sorry I left, Juliet. I should have been there. I should have protected you…Can you ever forgive me?”
“Marry me, Stanley!”
“What?”
“Marry me. I want you to marry me. I love you. I love you more than I think is humanly possible. I have nothing to forgive you for. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve someone like you. You have been so patient, so caring. I didn’t think people like you, men like you, existed. I am the one who should say sorry. I was rude to you on purpose. I chose New York over you! You always let me be me. You are such a gentleman. You are not to blame for what happened to me. You saved me. If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be here. I never want to hear you blame yourself for what happened again. I never want to leave your side again. Will you marry me, Stanley Epstein? Will you spend forever with me?”
I reached over, pulling a blade of long grass from the ground. I tied it around his ring finger. Stanley sat up, reached into his back pocket and pulled out a ring.
“I was going to ask you the same question, Juliet.”
Stanley and I had a long engagement. We agreed to get married after he finished his residency. I was twenty-three, he was twenty-nine by the time we made us official through the state of California.
Stanley’s parents wanted us to find a house right away. They didn’t want to see us throw money away on renting. So, as a wedding gift, they offered to put the down payment on whatever we found. They thought I was crazy for insisting on this house. Stanley’s mother encouraged him to talk me out of it. But he never did. He was behind me all the way.
It didn’t take long for our little house to take shape. We did most of the work ourselves. We only contracted out for the really big jobs. I spent the first three weeks on crutches and the next four wearing a big boot. Once my ankle healed, I was able to get a whole lot done.
Stanley was more than a little apprehensive to leave me alone when he had to be at his office or at the hospital. So most times, I went with him. But for the times I couldn’t be with him, he installed a high-tech security system, and we adopted a big dog. He was some kind of German shepherd mix, black and tan with long thick hair, big and goofy. So I named him Goofey. Best dog ever. He was so sweet, we were pretty sure that the only harm he would do to anyone was maybe lick them to death. But he soon proved otherwise the day our neighbors, the Bakers, came to introduce themselves. Goofey, broke the glass out of the bay window in the front room to get to them. Luckily, Stanley was able to rein him in before he could eat them up. So after some obedience classes and a lot of positive reinforcement, he became a first-class watchdog.
I continued to work on the house. Every day, it came together a little more. One day, as I was scraping some old tile from the bathroom wall, I became very light-headed. I was too dizzy to stand. I sat down in the tub, holding on to the sides to try and regain my bearings. The room was spinning all around me. I began to wonder if maybe this had something to do with my head injury.
“Stanley! Stanley, come quick!” I yelled out in a panic.
I could hear him bolting up the stairs. He pushed the bathroom door open, causing it to bang loudly against the wall.
“Juliet! What’s wrong? Oh God, did you fall?” He rushed over to me, placing his hand on my forehead. “You are soaking wet.”
He scooped me up out of the tub and carried me to the bedroom, laying me down on the bed. He checked my heart rate and looked into my eyes, checking the size of my pupils.
“I just got really dizzy, Stanley. I felt like I couldn’t stand up without falling so I sat down. You don’t think this could be my head injury, do you?”
“I don’t know, but we aren’t going to sit around guessing. I am taking you to the hospital.”
Stanley helped me walk down the stairs and outside to my old VW bug. “We have got to get a different car, my dear.”
“Really, I love my old bug.”
“We don’t have to get rid of it, maybe just get something a little nicer.”
He placed me in the passenger seat and went around and got in.
“Déjà vu?”
“Yeah, I have definitely been here and done this before.