stress is felt when there is a challenge that might take us out of our comfort zone but we have an overall sense that we will handle it. We recognize the gap and feel equipped to close it. We love working towards something and such challenges can be exciting and energizing. They give a sense of purpose in life and a reason to get out of bed. When we handle a challenge well, it gives us a sense of achievement. It builds our confidence to face future challenges; even spurring us on to seek them out.
Negative stress, on the other hand, is a sense of feeling overwhelmed with the challenge we face. It arises when we don’t feel equipped to close the gap and meet it. Money worries, unrealistic deadlines, impossible targets or relationship issues are all examples of things that might create negative stress. The effect of negative stress in our lives can be demotivating and exhausting, and it can diminish our confidence to face future challenges. Most importantly, it gets in the way of us being the amazing human beings that we can be.
Stress affects us all differently. It becomes apparent in the day-to-day choices we make; in our lack of patience; the way that we drive; and in the way we take our loved ones for granted. It shows in our aches and pains, our chronic ailments and our appetite. When we are stressed, an underlying tension sits under everything that we do, whether we see it or not.
Most people get stressed sometimes; it’s part of life. The problem arises when we aren’t equipping ourselves to meet our challenges. Stress can sneak up on us through the accumulative effect of the many small demands of daily life. Singularly, each of these demands would be no problem but when several begin to accumulate, they can tip us over the edge. It can be a blurred line between coping and not coping. As I am sure you can relate to, even when we recognize that we are stressed it can be tempting to ignore it. We are often too busy or too scared to delve into the real cause of stress and take the actions that would be required to address it. Dealing with the ongoing trickle of daily-life stress will help you to avoid reaching burnout or breakdown.
We will all face times where life will be extremely challenging, if not totally overwhelming. That’s being human. A bereavement, accident, divorce or moving house are all examples of situations that may overwhelm us. It’s what we do when we are stressed that will make the difference. Some people spend their whole lives either failing to recognize their own stress or trying to ignore it, numb it or mask it. Owning stress is the first step in addressing it. Life isn’t about being stress-free; it is about dealing with stress when it arises, in whichever form that is.
Remember that you are not your stress.
When we are stressed, we are not the people that we want to be. We can become narrow-minded, less generous and less loving. We might become miserable, dissatisfied and impatient. Often we are less creative, less focused and less productive. We know we are more than that. Nobody gets up in the morning intending to have a bad day. None of us set the intention to look for things to irritate or upset us. We don’t intend to pass our stress on to others or to ruin their day. It’s worth remembering that. Stress isn’t something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. It is something we should own and address. Stress is our call to action – to get whatever help we need to deal with the challenge that we face.
# The hack
Identify the cause of your stress. Is it acute stress from a specific situation? Is it the accumulation of the many demands of daily life? Or is it a mindset or belief like a lack of confidence? It might help to write it down. At the top of a piece of paper start with ‘I get stressed about…’ Just allow yourself to keep writing until you feel that you have emptied it all out onto the paper.
Negative stress causes us to become increasingly on edge. Under stress, we can become emotional, irrational and over-reactive. When stress is left unattended, our whole outlook becomes more negative; we begin to fear the worst in every situation and start to perceive everything as a threat. Eventually, everything has the potential to trigger us into an anxious, angry or withdrawn state.
Our nervous system’s response to stress is the same now as it would have been in survival days when faced with a life-threatening danger like a predator. We freeze, we fight or we run. Our nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a real-life threat and a perceived one. If we are worrying about something that isn’t even likely to happen, our nervous system will respond as if it is happening. If we are triggered by the stress of meeting a deadline, it becomes the predator. We will react in a fight, flight or freeze way. Have you ever noticed that when you’re nervous about something, like the day of a big presentation or taking an exam, that you are going to the loo every five minutes before it starts? Yep – that’s your nervous system emptying you out so you are ready to fight or run from the predator. Notice that your heart rate goes up when you are being given unwanted feedback? Yep – your heart is pumping blood around your body so you are ready-set-go to fight or run in response to it.
The fight response is reasonably apparent. It might show up as anything from mild irritation through to excessive acts of verbal or physical violence. It served us well when we needed to fight a predator trying to kill us but when it arises during road rage – well, it seems a bit excessive. But in that triggered, irrational, road-rage moment it can feel entirely justifiable to be aggressive – even though that’s not who we want to be. In a fight response we attack the situation or person we are having the problem with.
The flight response would obviously have been to run away from the predator. When faced with something that worries us, the flight response might look more like going quiet, denial, burying our head in the sand or withdrawing from life. In the flight response, we avoid the situation or person we are having the problem with.
The freeze response has a benefit in some situations; if we stay still for long enough if faced with a predator passing by, it might not see us and that could save our life. But the freeze response isn’t useful if we feel frozen to the spot when it would be better for us to take action.
We all have our ‘favourite’ triggered reaction; sometimes we combine them all depending on the situation. It is useful to identify your default response. I used to have quite an explosive reaction when triggered, which usually involved a deluge of tears after I had erupted. My unconscious default is to initially get verbally defensive before running for the hills and avoiding the person or situation altogether! Because I don’t feel comfortable with conflict, another unconscious default is to try to mediate whenever there is a problem between other people, which can mean I get involved in situations that are none of my business. Self-awareness brings many useful insights that can better inform our chosen response to life. I have found it really helpful to recognize my triggered stress reactions. I have also learnt that taking a few deep breaths to put space between how I might feel and how I choose to respond is invaluable, as is understanding why I have been triggered in the first place.
Gaining more control over our reactivity requires both in-the-moment action as well as longer-term action. Using the single-breath practice or the sigh-of-relief breath from #hack 4 will help in the immediate moment, while practising belly breathing daily for ten minutes will help you to be less reactive in general.
# The hack
What’s your triggered reaction in life? How does it vary from one situation to another?
Next time you notice that you are having a fight, flight or freeze reaction, can you take a few deep breaths? Give yourself a moment. Use the sigh-of-relief breath from #hack 4 to deactivate your fight-or-flight reactivity. Use the daily belly breath practice to become altogether less triggered in life.
How does your stress show up physically?
Our physical body is witness to everything that we experience in life and will often show us what