First Secret: A Marital Imperative
Every couple’s marriage revolves around a theme, that thing to which a couple gives most of their time and emotional energy. For example, more conventional couples build their lives and marriages around either securing their basic needs, maintaining companionship and security, or finding each other’s place in the world, investing heavily in careers or social roles. Exceptional couples, on the other hand, while concerned with all of these to some degree, spend most of their energy working together to pursue the development of positive character traits, moral virtue, and spiritual growth—a theme I call a marital imperative. In other words, exceptional couples consider their marriage to be their best hope for becoming the people they want to be at the end of their lives. This is the single most important way exceptional couples distinguish themselves. Their tendency to view marriage as a partnership in destiny accounts, in no small way, for the uncommon longevity and fulfillment these couples exhibit.
Take the following quiz to help you determine the clarity of your own marital imperative.
MARITAL IMPERATIVE QUIZ
Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below. The points you receive for each item are printed below the answer you choose. Be honest. No one is going to see your results except you. Complete scoring and interpretive information will be presented later in the chapter.
a. I know the purpose of my life.
b. My daily life and choices obviously and consistently reflect my attempt to fulfill the purpose of my life.
c. My mate and I share clearly defined and compelling values, priorities, and ideals.
d. Every day, my spouse and I consciously work to help each other live up to our clearly defined values, priorities, and ideals.
e. I believe that my mate and I are uniquely qualified to help each other fulfill the purposes of our lives.
You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Marital Imperative.
The Second Secret: Exceptional Fidelity
Most people think of fidelity in sexual terms, as in “I’m faithful because I’m not sleeping around,” but exceptional couples have a broader understanding of this word. To them, fidelity, the promise to “forsake all others,” includes all those friendships, family-of-origin commitments, career opportunities, and community involvements that do not serve to increase either the physical and mental health of each spouse or the intimacy of the marriage. This Exceptional Fidelity is absolutely essential if the marriage is to become a partnership in destiny (see the First Secret). That is not to say that Exceptional Fidelity requires a husband and wife to never leave the house. Rather, Exceptional Fidelity raises the couple to a new level. It empowers them to guard the initmate core of their marriage. It encourages them to prefer the meaningful companionship of a few close friends over a menagerie of casual acquaintances, and it dispels the illusion that social and occupational success must come at the price of marital poverty. Spouses in exceptional marriages don’t give up anything that is truly important. They just don’t waste time pursuing anything that isn’t.
EXCEPTIONAL FIDELITY QUIZ
Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.
a. My work is regularly in competition with my marriage and family life.
b. My social commitments or other friendships place many demands on me, sometimes making it difficult for me to find time for my marriage.
c. Though I may feel guilty about it, I would often rather be at work or out with my friends than with my spouse.
d. I feel caught in the middle between my parents and my spouse.
e. When it comes to dividing up my time and energy, my marriage usually gets the leftovers.
You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Fidelity.
The Third Secret: Exceptional Loving
To varying degrees, more conventional couples view love primarily as a feeling, and they perform affectionate gestures when they feel loving. Exceptional couples, on the other hand, view love as a calling. They do loving things for their mate every day, whether or not they feel like it and whether or not their mate “deserves” it. Why? For two reasons. In the first place, it would be beneath their own personal dignity to act any other way, and secondly, Exceptional couples know that it is their personal commitment to being actively loving—whether they feel like it or not—that helps them so often feel in love. Loving behavior fuels loving emotions. Exceptional couples know this and practice it.
EXCEPTIONAL LOVING QUIZ
Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.
a. I believe it is possible for love to simply die.
b. I think it is dishonest to do loving things for my mate if I don’t feel lovingly toward him/her.
c. I could easily answer the question, “What did you do today to show your mate how much you love him/her?”
d. Love is either there or it isn’t. Good relationships shouldn’t ever feel like work.
e. My mate regularly compliments me on how thoughtful and affectionate I am.
You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
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