people get a little paranoid about what the results of self-help quizzes actually mean. Please note that the self-tests included in this book are not scientifically validated instruments. Scoring low on a particular quiz—or even a number of quizzes—does not necessarily mean that your marriage is bad, and scoring high on them doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is exceptional. What your score does point to is how much loving attention your marriage needs in order for it to become all that you want it to be. That said, let’s look at how you scored overall.
Go back through the last several pages and, in the spaces provided, write the scores you each received individually and as a couple for each trait discussed.
As a couple, you and your mate scored __ out of a possible 450 points.
Keeping in mind that this is not a scientifically validated instrument, it has been my experience that Exceptional couples tend to score in the 420+ range. Please remember, these couples—being part of the Exceptional 7 Percent—would be expected to score higher than 93 percent of all other couples in first marriages (and 85 percent of all couples). If you did not score in this range it does not mean your marriage is bad. For example, scoring in the 360 + range is still very respectable—a bit like getting a solid B or B + . Couples scoring in this comparatively lower range still have some of the best marriages on the block. And if you scored lower than this, it still doesn’t mean your marriage is bad. It simply suggests that you may have been taking either your mate or your marriage more for granted than you ought to and, if this is the case, you’ve come to the right place.
The reason I feel the need to tell you over and over how good your marriage probably is, is that this book has an entirely different focus than most self-help books. Other self-help books are interested in telling the reader how to take a rotten relationship and make it passable. While The Exceptional Seven Percent could be used in this manner, most of the information contained in these pages would be lost on a truly miserable couple. The main focus of The Exceptional Seven Percent is to show couples how to take an average to good relationship and turn it into something profound, blissful, and energizing. Please keep this in mind as you work through the remainder of the book.
Now, let’s take a look at your particular strengths and weaknesses.
Review your individual scores to each quiz. In the space provided below, write the three areas you and your mate scored highest in, individually.
You scored highest in...
Your mate scored highest in...
These areas represent your and your mate’s unique strengths, respectively. Over the next few days, discuss how you will share your particular strengths with each other. For example, how could you help your mate develop more of a particular quality? How could your mate do the same for you? What are the struggles you expect to encounter as you attempt to increase your proficiency in a particular area? What struggles will your mate face? Take time with these questions and discuss them thoroughly.
As a rule of thumb, if you scored higher than your partner on a specific trait, it will be your responsibility to help your mate grow in that area, and vice versa. I do not mean to suggest that a lower-scoring spouse has to do everything the “expert” in a particular area says to do. But I would invite the spouse who scores lower to give serious consideration to any gently and charitably offered suggestions his or her higher scoring mate might make on improving a particular trait.
Now let’s look at the areas that you will want to improve upon as a couple.
Review the couple’s scores you received on each quiz. In the space provided below, write the three areas that as a couple you and your mate scored the lowest in.
As a couple, we need to improve in these three areas.
These represent the areas on which you and your mate will want to focus most of your attention as you begin your journey toward Exceptional couplehood. Of course you should feel free to discuss these areas now, but I will defer any particular discussion questions and tips until later. Just be sure to pay particular attention to these chapters as you read through the book and you will receive many helpful suggestions for increasing the frequency of these positive traits in your marriage.
The Circle of Intimacy
As you consider the nine secrets, it will most likely be obvious to you how each of the Exceptional couple’s qualities, attitudes, and behaviors play off of each other in an ever-widening circle of intimacy, devotion, and actualization (that is, being a living, breathing example of your values, ideals, and goals). Couples who practice these secrets in their marriages are able to tap into the true transformative power of love. They become each other’s best hope of arriving at the end of their lives as the people they always wanted to grow up to be.
For some of you, the ideal that is the Exceptional marriage might seem somehow unrealistic. Our disposable culture has taught us to believe that transformative love is the stuff of fairy tales, but nothing could be further from the truth. From the very beginning, we humans were built to love, to be loved, and to be transformed by love. As infants, we fail to thrive if we are not loved, touched, cuddled, and nurtured—rejecting even food if our greater hunger for affection remains unsatisfied. It could very easily be claimed, on biological and physiological grounds, that we are hard-wired for intimacy from the very first day of life. It is true that somewhere along the way many adults lose the innate instruction manual that would teach them how to satisfy this most deep-seated of needs, but there is good news. With proper training and a willing heart, we can learn to love and be loved as we were created to. No matter where your relationship stands today, you must take comfort and encouragement from the fact that you and your mate were born with the ability to celebrate Exceptional love in your lives and—by association—in your marriage. By practicing the secrets of the Exceptional 7 Percent, you will discover that the path to Exceptional love lies within you, because Exceptional love is your innate call; it is the essential ground of your physical, emotional, and spiritual being. It is what you were built to do.
So, turn the page, and let’s get to it.
2
The Relationship Pathway
The relation between any two decently married people changes profoundly every few years... every change causes pain, even if it brings a certain joy. Marriage is a long event of perpetual change in which a man and a woman mutually build up their souls and make themselves whole.
—D. H. LAWRENCE
WHY ARE you married?
Your answer to this question has everything to do with the longevity, happiness, and fulfillment you can expect from your relationship. While there are many possible responses, they all break down into discernible categories or themes, if you will, which guide the overall course of the marriage. For example some couples build their marriage around the theme of escape, hoping to use each other to avoid dealing with a world which they believe is either too overwhelming or too uninteresting. Other couples build their lives around achieving their basic needs, attempting to guarantee financial or emotional security for themselves—often at the expense of true intimacy or love. For most conventional couples, the primary motivation for marriage is companionship, cheering each other on as both partners seek their place in the world at large. Finally, there are those Exceptional couples who construct their marriages around fulfilling a marital imperative, a deeply held, clearly defined set of values, ideals, and goals. Over the next few pages, you will become more aware of the advantages and disadvantages of your own marital theme and discover the incredible benefits of building your relationship around a marital imperative,