rel="nofollow" href="#ulink_8b7c31fa-9d04-53de-bb5a-2a567fbfc220">The Lustful Betrayer—Knowing No Limits
Pete, a middle-aged businessman, claimed he had never been happy in his marriage. He was raised in a poor Italian family and never went far in school. When he met his future wife, Jane, in high school, he was captivated by her beauty and intelligence. Her family was from the better side of the tracks, wealthy and sophisticated. Dating, he felt honored to have her as his girlfriend, believing that others envied him. After high school, Pete began working in the office of an electrical supply company as an errand boy. He was accustomed to hard work and ambitious to make something of himself. Jane went away to an Ivy League college where she earned a degree in liberal arts. For several years, they maintained a long-distance relationship and were together during Jane’s vacations.
After Jane graduated from college, they decided to marry. Pete worked hard to put money away and advanced in the company. His superiors recognized his work ethic and natural leadership ability, despite his lack of education. Because both were Catholic, they refrained from having sex before marriage, although Pete constantly tried to coax Jane into it. She resisted his every advance, promising that saving herself for marriage would be worth it. They were married in a Catholic church in the wealthy suburb where Jane’s parents resided. Local papers reported the ceremony as the social event of the season. Pete and Jane tied the knot in the presence of their family and friends, hopeful for a life of promise and bliss together.
The hope and promise evaporated quickly for Pete on their wedding night. Pete was anxious to consummate their marriage but Jane claimed she was too exhausted for sex and asked him to wait for the honeymoon. They flew to a resort in the Caribbean the next day. Jane remained aloof and passive, though willing, when he initiated sex during their honeymoon. Pete imagined it was just nervousness and inexperience that prevented Jane from enjoying sex, so he remained patient when they returned to the routine of their lives.
After the honeymoon, Pete went back to work and Jane occupied herself with putting their new home together. They fell into a routine of weekly sex in which Jim always felt an edge of dissatisfaction. He was always more interested in sex than she was. He complained and became increasingly irritable, occasionally erupting with temper outbursts. Jane was shocked at his anger, which she’d never experienced while dating. She saw Pete as a quiet man who worked hard. When he got angry, she withdrew in fear and became even more passive.
The distance increased in their relationship as Pete became more involved in work, and Jane focused on maintaining the home and pursuing her interests. Their infrequent sex nevertheless resulted in two pregnancies. Jane then occupied herself with caring for the two children, while Pete spent more and more time at work. He climbed the ladder at his company, becoming a hard-nosed manager who earned a substantial income. He was achieving the career success he had longed for.
Pete had always enjoyed the attention of women and he was feeling neglected at home. His secretary, an attractive younger woman, caught his attention. They became friends. She shared with Pete her marital problems and stress raising two young children with a deadbeat husband. They went out for a drink occasionally after work. Pete always made some excuse to Jane that he had to work late. He withdrew more and more into a secret life, fantasizing about a future with his young secretary. Eventually, they began regular meetings for sex. Pete justified it because his wife could not fulfill his natural desires. He saw her as a frigid woman. “I’m just a normal man with natural needs,” he told himself. Pete never considered divorce because of his Catholic upbringing and position in the community as a successful businessman. Furthermore, he did not want to break up the family. For several years he maintained a double life, keeping the façade of a happy family man while indulging his sexual and emotional needs with his mistress. He became an expert at subterfuge, keeping his wife in the dark about his other life.
Then the inevitable occurred. His wife found a motel receipt and confronted him, threatening divorce. At that point, to preserve the marriage and his image, Pete agreed to come to therapy. I met with them as a couple and with each of them separately.
I explored Pete’s family background with him. He was the oldest of three children in a traditional Italian family. His parents grew up in Italy and were married there. They moved to the United States to escape the poverty of their village. Pete’s father was a quiet, hardworking man who labored long hours at a construction company. During the winters he had his own home improvement business. Pete remembered his father being absent most of the time. His mother was a simple, uneducated woman who kept herself busy doting on the children and caring for the home. His parents showed little affection for each other and never seemed to talk. His father was a domineering, strong-willed man in his silence, and his mother followed his directions without complaint or questioning. They just seemed disengaged from each other.
Pete enjoyed his freedom in his father’s absence. He feared his strong-willed father and manipulated his weak mother. Outwardly, he conformed to his parent’s requests, but secretly he did what he pleased. He rode his bike to school, but often skipped classes on the sunny, warm days to go fishing. His parents were fervent Catholics. As a teen he told them he preferred to go to Mass alone. He often skipped church to play baseball with his friends. His friends nicknamed him “Sneaky Pete.”
When I asked Pete about his parents’ marriage, he observed, “It was just your traditional, old country Italian marriage.” I inquired about the possibility of either having been unfaithful and Pete mentioned that his father spent much time with his female cousin, saying, “They connected because they were from the same town.” Further probing led Pete to admit, “I heard some rumors that she was his mistress, but I didn’t think anything about it. In the old country, the men often had mistresses and it was no big deal. The women took care of the home, while the men took care of themselves.” He added, “I guess I became more like my father than I thought. My father crossed the line and I did the same thing.”
Pete decided, “I want to be honest with myself, perhaps for the first time in my life. I have never been happy in my marriage, and I can no longer tolerate living a double life.” He told Jane he was filing for divorce.
CHILDHOOD CONNECTION: IDENTIFYING WITH THE AGGRESSOR
For better or worse, the relationship of your parents becomes the model for your own relationships. What you grow up observing as a child becomes your norm, until you are older and can compare your childhood family experience with others. Then you may question your upbringing and its impact on your own life. Unless you develop a discerning attitude, you will repeat what you observed in your parents. You naturally gravitate toward what is familiar, finding comfort in the known and avoiding insecurity in the unknown. Even if you judge your upbringing as deficient, you have no positive role models on which to base a different life for yourself, unless you were fortunate enough to find some surrogate parental mentors.
If your parents’ marriage was troubled and you came to admit that, you undoubtedly told yourself, “That will never happen to me.” You will make every conscious effort to be different from your parents. But genetics always seem to take over and you may catch yourself behaving in ways you detested in your parents. Biology appears to be destiny and you pray you do not have the cheating gene.
Furthermore, as you focus closely on your past family life, you may discover a subconscious urge to repeat what you grew up with in order to create a different result. You unconsciously repeat your parents’ marriage in order to repair it and gain mastery over a painful past. In psychological jargon, it is called “repetition compulsion.” You are compelled to repeat a painful past to make it different.
As the saying goes, “Imitation is the highest form of flattery.” Children naturally imitate their parents as a way to stay bonded with them. When your parent was unfaithful, he or she betrayed not only his or her partner, but also you and the whole family. The decision to venture outside the marriage caused a severe disruption in family life. Peace and stability in the family were shattered. Furthermore, your secure relationship with your parents was strained beyond the breaking point. Even though you were not fully aware of the reason for the disruption, you instinctively knew that something your parents did caused it. At some level, you blamed your parents, developed mistrust of them and were angry with them. In turn, their preoccupation with