really pride and an inflated self-image that motivate you to hide yourself from others and even yourself. Talking about your failings and strengths with another can be liberating because you surrender the burden of secrecy you carried so long in hiding your affair. The acceptance of another can also help free you from your own harsh judgments about yourself and your behavior. Of course, there is always the danger of self-deception, especially since infidelity had become a way of life for you. Requesting honest feedback from someone you trust can help you to be honest with yourself.
Be careful about choosing the person to whom you confess. The person must be trustworthy to keep your confidence. It might be a therapist, trusted friend, priest or minister. That person should not be your spouse whom you betrayed, because the honest and detailed revelations may well be overwhelming. Over time you will find effective ways of confessing to your partner that will be beneficial in rebuilding trust.
4. MAKE AMENDS.
The next step involves making amends to all the people you harmed with your behavior. Catholics call it doing penance. Making amends needs to be done carefully so as not to create more harm. You are entitled to privacy and do not have to announce your indiscretion to the world. People do not have a right to know your business or your failings. Thinking seriously about the people you have harmed by your wayward behavior makes the consequences of your self-indulgence more real. You become more aware of how your self-centered behavior caused others severe harm. Such awareness can increase your sense of healthy remorse and determination never to be unfaithful again. It can accelerate the process of overcoming your self-obsession, becoming genuinely concerned about the well-being of others. In making amends, you think about how you can restore the balance in relationships that have been upset by your behavior. You ask yourself, “How can I make up for what I have done? How can I be more loving and truthful?” Reversing the downward trend of your life, you can replace dishonesty with truthfulness, the stealing of time and energy with loving attention and the hiding with openness.
5. MAKE A NEW START.
The final step flows naturally from the preceding ones. You make a firm decision never to be unfaithful again. You are resolved to make a new start in your life. Once you have honestly looked at yourself and the hurt you have caused others and yourself, you will naturally be determined to avoid that behavior. You realize that you as a person are better than that behavior. You will feel relief in not having to hide yourself and lead a double life. Your spouse may take some time to trust you again and may be suspicious that you will revert to your old ways. But be patient with him or her and acknowledge to yourself that you deserve his or her suspicion as a consequence of your behavior. Your resolution to be honest and loving will eventually move your spouse’s heart, if you are meant to remain married.
Through this process of facing your guilt and shame, you will come to greater self-awareness and self-acceptance. By acting in truth instead of deceit, in love instead of selfishness, you will come to forgive yourself. You will give up your self-loathing and desire to punish yourself.
PATH TO HEALING: GIVING UP GUILT
1) Acknowledge the pain you caused.
2) Make a moral inventory.
3) Confess your wrongdoing.
4) Make amends.
5) Resolve to make a new start.
As you become more aware of your unhappiness as an unfaithful spouse, think about your parent who betrayed the family. Think back on your memories and try focusing, not on your hurt, but on the suffering of your unfaithful parent. His or her infidelity arose from a sense of emptiness and pain, just as yours did. As you get in touch with your own suffering, feel the suffering of your betraying parent. Feel compassion for your parent as you begin to have compassion for yourself. Replace the anger and resentment, which only harms you, with love and tenderness. It will likely be difficult to feel genuine compassion for the parent who harmed you and the family, but begin with the intention to forgive. Be patient with yourself if resentment persists. Healing takes time and a willingness to forgive.
EXERCISE: METTA
Forgiveness begins with you. You will likely discover that fully accepting yourself because of your transgressions is no simple matter and requires time, patience, perseverance and effort. Others may mistakenly misjudge you, imagining that you do not take your betrayal seriously enough and are not sufficiently guilty. They expect you to live in “apology mode” for an indefinite length of time. However, if you embark sincerely on a path of healing, you will face squarely the obstacle of forgiving yourself.
Make no mistake about it. Unless you can learn to be compassionate and forgiving of yourself, you will not be able to be compassionate and forgiving of others, especially your cheating parent.
A traditional Eastern practice to develop compassion is called metta, or loving-kindness. This deceptively simple and powerful practice has been used for over twenty-five hundred years to cultivate loving feelings as an antidote to fear, hate and guilt. The practice is reinforced by modern psychology, which teaches that the way we think about ourselves profoundly affects our attitudes and behavior. Metta invites us to shower ourselves and others with kindness and compassion.3
For this exercise, sit comfortably in a quiet place. Try to shut out all distractions, especially your racing thoughts, and focus on the rhythm of your breath. Also relax your body, being aware of any tension you feel. Imagine breathing relaxation into the tense muscles you discover. As distracting thoughts arise—as they inevitably do—gently let them pass.
With a relaxed mind and body, imagine yourself in your pain. It may be helpful to hold in your hand a picture of yourself when you were a child. Transport yourself back to your childhood in your memory and relive the experience. See yourself as a child caught in the maelstrom of your parents’ unhappy marriage. Allow yourself to sense the innocence and helplessness that marked who you were as a child. Don’t rush it. Let the memories and feelings emerge. Feel some compassion for yourself as the child victimized by your parents’ troubles.
When you are ready, imagine yourself as an adult feeling the pain and turmoil of your unhappy marriage and your guilt and shame in seeking an escape through the affair. Again, feel some compassion for yourself, as difficult as it may be. Then select some phrases that express wishes for you in the present moment. For example, you may say to yourself, “May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I be at peace with myself. May I forgive myself for the wrongs I have done. May I be loving and truthful with my spouse.” Repeat three or four of these phrases for a period of time, allowing the words to penetrate your soul. Say the words slowly and thoughtfully in time with your breathing. Simply relax and repeat these phrases for at least ten minutes, longer if you are inclined. Throughout the day, if you are feeling tense, stop to repeat the phrases to bring a sense of serenity.
This exercise can also be used with other significant people in your life. At this point in your recovery you are probably most aware of the pain you caused your partner by your infidelity. You are aware of how much you betrayed his or her trust and that you must rebuild the relationship. It is your responsibility to take the initiative in the rebuilding process. As a starting point, you can begin by extending loving-kindness in thought and intention to your partner, developing compassion for that person in his or her suffering. Only love will overcome your sense of shame and guilt.
Begin this exercise again by quieting your mind, body and heart. Sit still in a quiet place. You may hold a picture of your spouse in your hands. Imagine the pain he or she is experiencing in this moment. Recall when he or she first discovered your cheating, the shock, hurt and rage. Allow your heart to reach out to your beloved. Then select phrases that express your heartfelt wishes for this person. “May she be happy. May he be free from the suffering I have caused. May she have joy in life. May he be at peace.” Slowly repeat these words, feeling your love pouring out to your partner, creating a bond of love. Repeat these words for a period of time, allowing your guilt to dissolve in a sea of love.
Undoubtedly, feelings of being betrayed by your unfaithful parents may emerge as you face your own infidelity. Although