It is important to note here that the very personal stories in this book are from lives in progress, with no final endings. Life never rides off into the sunset I do not want to imply that the people whose lives I tell about have achieved total success and everything from then on out was a perfect dream. No, their lives continued after the publication of this book, just like yours and mine. They’re still out there, wrestling the ego and listening to the little voice inside. Every one of these people continues to have challenges, setbacks, and incredible growth. They are living their lives, and each day they come home from the wars, a little more victorious than the day before. Their biggest success is that they have become the main characters in their own lives. These lives may not be perfect dreams, but getting as much of the dream as possible into our lives is the goal.
There is nothing you can do about what interests you or energises you. It is simply who you are. Trying to change this, not accepting this, will always result in a tiring, frustrating struggle.
Nora was back. She perched on my tufted office chair in poised anticipation. Her large designer scarf graced her neckline with elan and confidence, richly complementing the long dress that draped across her knees. Nora’s black paper-board portfolio of artwork rested against her chair, as she updated me on her vocational dilemma. I had not seen her in over a year; our last contact had been a vocational assessment interview. She had appreciated my help back then, but now needed more. Nora’s winsome blue eyes and softly waving blonde hair defined her femininity at a glance, and when she spoke her whispery, melodious voice was full of intelligence and insistence. “I have two diametrically opposed selves,” she complained. “Whichever one I try to satisfy, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t I’m sitting on a fence, paralyzed. It’s depressing to be this indecisive!” Nora had come to me for answers. I asked myself, Can she stand to hear the truth?
The truth was that Nora was scared to death to fulfill her talent’s purpose. I knew what to expect from the portfolio, because I had seen samples of her work the year before. Nora had attained national recognition in her areas of expertise, turning out exquisite art that had been acclaimed in print, yet she could not bring herself to insist upon a career in art. Nora occasionally made money with commissioned art projects, but when these dried up, she began to think long and hard about other careers.
This interview marked the latest in a series of crises in Nora’s life over who she would become. The first had occurred when she was seventeen. Having shown promising talent in high school, Nora was offered a small scholarship to art school by a benefactor. Nora chose nursing school instead. Later, a divorce and the demands of a handicapped child made it a struggle for her to keep her head above water over the years.
But as things calmed down and her child got older, Nora had come to see me for occupational direction. At that point, the year before, she had decided she could not make enough money at art, and chose instead to pursue a degree in social work. This had proved to be a huge bore, and she did more doodling than note-taking in her classes. Now Nora was back in my office. She handed me a sheaf of her latest art work, which was stunningly imaginative and of professional quality. As I looked through her drawings, transfixed by their strange and moving beauty, Nora implored me anxiously, “So what do you think? I’ve been considering getting a degree in biology or genetics.”
Here was Nora’s split As her striking artwork wordlessly declared its unmistakable message about her life’s purpose, Nora spoke about an advanced degree in science. She was agonizing over the original conflict she had never resolved. Should she help others, or express herself?
This is the dilemma that this book addresses. You are probably familiar with Nora’s predicament for it is one many of us encounter: to choose one direction would mean giving up her deepest desires for self fulfillment, but to choose the other would mean feeling irresponsible. The good news is that this dilemma is an illusion. No one is really stuck like this. We have been taught to think in absurd extremes, as if we had to choose one or the other: our happiness or the good of others.
Is This You?
Take a moment to see if you recognize yourself in the following:
You are unfulfilled in a key area of your life. You would like a change, but cannot see a way to make it Often you feel frustrated and blocked. You are very attuned to the needs of your loved ones, whether you show this outwardly or not Duty is taken seriously. You have a humanitarian streak and want to improve the lives of other people. You daydream about a different kind of life and have a strong desire to be free of the burdens you carry. Perhaps you have bought some of the tools needed to fulfill your dream or plan, and even allowed yourself limited time for its pursuit. You may have come close to making a major change in your life, but it never quite happened. Responsibilities sidetracked you, and you turned back to the familiar life you already knew how to do. This was a relief, because you did not want to appear selfish or egocentric. You hate the thought of not pulling your own weight. For instance, depending on someone else’s financial support while you train in a new field, or borrowing money for a new venture, seems irresponsible to you. Often you have thought to yourself “How can I pursue my plan and dreams when others still need me so much?”
This description may not be a perfect fit, because these things rarely are. But if you scored yourself five or above, you match up well. If so, there are a few things we can tell about you from the preceding description:
You notice your own feelings and the feelings of others.
You want to improve your life.
You tolerate unhappiness to fulfill your responsibilities to others.
You know how to act and what is expected of you.
You have a strong conscience and sense of duty.
You are a humanitarian and want to help improve others’ lives.
You like to be creative.
You do not want to be selfish or egocentric.
You like to be helpful, but try not to trouble others for help.
Don’t you think this reads like a resume for the kind of person this world needs more of? These are exceptional qualities that show concern for others, creative potential, and a well-developed sense of responsibility. The trouble is, we can be such good citizens that we stop leading our own lives.
Let me add here that there are phenomenally successful people who have very creative careers, and yet they too experience the same inner clash between what they want to do and what others need them to do. It is not the nature of the job that defines whether or not you have this conflict; it is the reasons you are doing the job at that moment. If you are pursuing a job in order to fulfill the needs of someone else, your true self will find a way to object.
Are We Afraid to Know Ourselves?
It amazes me how ready we are to jump through hoops, fulfill all kinds of numbing job requirements, and top it off with acts at home that could cinch