and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) does not include the avoidance of social activities. Without this criterion, sufferers of SAD appear to experience greater incidents of alcohol use dependency. The avoidance criterion in the DSM-III definition kept the SAD individuals who did not attend as many social events (they avoided them) in the calculations, thus reducing the numbers associated with increased risk of lifetime alcohol dependence.
BREAKING THE BARRIER OF SOCIAL ANXIETY
We all experience awkward social moments and those moments when our hearts pound out of our chests. I have a particularly strong reaction—immediate perspiration, flushing of the face—when I feel I am being oserved. If a conversation suddenly swings so that all eyes are on me, it is not uncommon for me to forget where I was going with my dialogue. Times from my childhood when my sister pounced on an error in my speech or made fun of my contribution to the conversation still haunt me. But I am happy to say (yes, I’m a happy introvert) that such moments do not hold me back from taking part in the world. I enthusiastically put myself out into the mix of socializing, loving and learning.
Here are a few of the action steps I’ve employed myself and recommend to push past the barrier of social anxiety:
1 1. Leave your comfort zone. Home is so nice and safe because it either holds people you know well or offers solitude with no people at all. If you leave the comfort zone of your home, however, you can find and forge new places where you can have social interactions without feeling emotionally unsafe. The key to finding an encouraging and kind atmosphere is to think about what you love to do. Do you get a rush from exercising? Join a group class that includes music you enjoy. Most classes meet regularly. You will see the same people every week. They will become familiar and, as a bonus, they also love fitness and the same type of music. Maybe you want a more serene setting than the gym. How about a writing class or a guitar lesson, which combine solitary practice, one-on-one coaching, and group workshops or performances? I have personally used these two settings to launch myself into new social circles and increase my repertoire of skills, although the guitar lessons proved more of a boon for making like-minded friends than for becoming a musical talent. Take small but committed steps. If you sign up for a class and pay for it, chances are you will follow through. I chose a writing class for beginners in a part of the city where I didn’t know anyone. I often find it easier to try new skill-building activities among strangers. If I do make a mistake, I won’t run into my new classmates at the grocery store or my kids’ schools. Much like the rural farm people who moved into the city for industrial jobs in the early 1900s, I am emboldened by anonymity. Once in a new place with new people, I take the time to notice how I feel. Am I energized? Do I feel safe to make mistakes? If the answer is yes, I dig in deep and buoy my social strength by slowly increasing my participation. For example, I may ask the teacher or a fellow participant a question after class.
2 2. Ask questions. Most people are experts on themselves, so ask open-ended questions about their lives and interests. A simple, “What do you love to do in your free time?” can easily garner a few minutes of conversation. Note that this question is unintimidating and that there are no right or wrong answers, so even other socially anxious introverts will find it easy to respond. Other examples of safe and conversation-generating questions are, “So you are from Chicago. What do you miss about that city?” or “How did you meet your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife?” In her book, If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit, Brenda Ueland says that most people will find you extremely charming and witty if you ask questions about them. Bonus: there is no fear of revealing too much if you’re the one asking questions.
3 3. Volunteer or help someone. I’ve been a part of several volunteer organizations. Who can fault, make fun of, or complain about someone who is volunteering his or her time? Again, pick an area that interests you—child welfare, education, cancer research, animal rescue, etc.—and dip your toe in. Commit to attending at least three sessions. Giving to others feels good and puts you in environments with other generous, thoughtful people. Volunteers tend to be unintimidating, open-minded, and open-hearted people. I have seen introverts take on jobs at friends’ parties, such as stocking the food table or cleaning up afterwards. The sense of purpose and focus gives them the ability to take part in the event and even stay longer than planned.
4 4. Make socializing manageable. Invite one or two people out for lunch. Approach people one at a time. Introverts are usually more comfortable in one-on-one settings. Even at a neighborhood BBQ, it is possible to get a neighbor alone on the edge of the gathering and discuss subjects near and dear to you. If you are especially brave, attend an event by yourself. You look more approachable to others if you are alone. I started attending church by myself, and found I was quite popular at the coffee hour afterward. I enjoyed the service part of church, which allowed me to be in my head and relatively anonymous, but then was able to circulate in small doses with one or two people afterward. Gaining the friendship of people at a manageable pace—one or two at a time—works perfectly for introverts and making one new friend often leads to introductions to more new friends.
The eight practices outlined in the following chapters will expand on and provide additional methods of alleviating the anxiety that introverts experience while living and loving in an extroverted world.
Stephen Covey said that independence is the paradigm of I. “I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose.” After passing through the dependent stage of the maturity continuum, we hone skills to get what we want ourselves, rather than depending on others to do it for us. We physically do the work ourselves. We mentally think and make decisions for ourselves. We emotionally validate ourselves from within. We self-direct and act on our own accord instead of reacting to the stimuli of others.
We may think we’ve left dependency in the dust, but, we often have emotional dependencies. The immature or insensitive behavior of others still controls our reactions. We still take on a victim mentality and complain about the state of our lives, blaming others for our misfortune.
A way to test whether we are stuck in dependency is to change our circumstances and see if unhappiness persists. A dependent individual remains unhappy or returns to an unhappy state relatively quickly, if they are not truly inner-directed.
Independence is not the same as individualism. Individualism conjures up “do your own thing” images of liberated and somewhat self-centered people. Independence, for our purposes, is a close relative of autonomy. Along with mastery and purpose, autonomy is one of the three basic human needs, according to motivation and self-determination theorists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. If we want to motivate a human, we should give him or her autonomy, something to master and the opportunity to be part of something bigger than him or herself.
Our current culture values independence (and sometimes individualism) and deplores anything that smacks of neediness or dependence. You are complete on your own. You don’t need a man/woman! Pick yourself up by the bootstraps! Even though educational and professional settings emphasize group projects (introvert nightmares) and collaboration, independence is still revered. We reward and praise those who think independently and make decisions quickly. We see them as smart.
In parenting, the goal of most parents is to teach their children how to live on their own, each maturity stage taking the kids further and further away from home. This may, however, be changing. A 2014 Pew study of recent housing trends found that more 18–34-year-olds live with their parents than either on their own or with a significant other. But despite the statistics, living in your parent’s home still carries a certain stigma.
Inner direction is a leg up maturity-wise, compared to being externally directed. It requires the wherewithal to act on our own, regardless of circumstances and others’ opinions. Although independence is more mature than dependence, it is still missing the key element of relating to others. Independence does provide the necessary foundation for interdependence though, which we will discuss in Section III.
As introverts move along the maturity continuum, we move further away from dependency on our parents and society’s view of us. No longer do